There's So Much More (If You'd Only Look)
by Mona001
Summary: She met him second. The question that is always in the back of her mind is what if she'd met him first. Not that it matters. Because Killian Jones looked right through Emma as if she wasn't the vital beauty she knew she was.
1. Chapter 1

At the ringing of her cell phone from on top of the laundry basket, Emma only peeked through the shower curtain to glance at it. There was no way that she was going to drip her way over to the opposite side of the room to answer the phone that was more than likely unimportant. Instead, she dipped her shampoo-covered head into the steady stream of hot water.

It was only seconds after the ringing had stopped that it had begun again.

Someone was being persistent…

Emma groaned, but refused to let it bother her more than that. She had to get ready for work. She didn't have time for whoever it was. And how important could it be when anyone who knew her schedule knew what she would be doing at this time of morning?

So she ignored that ring as well. And when, not five minutes later the phone rang again, she dismissed it once more. Was fifteen minutes too much to ask of time for herself? She didn't think so.

When Emma finally ended her shower, in which she was only a bit annoyed with because of the constant attempts at interrupting her, she wrapped herself up in her towel and quickly stepped out.

Bending her head over, she haphazardly rubbed a drying towel over her wet head. Her steps were slow, walking over to the hamper for her phone.

The banging of one of a door from outside the bathroom is what stopped her in her tracks. Her head popped up at the sound, catching her off guard.

Neal wasn't home. He wouldn't be home from work before she was already gone. So who the hell had caused that bang?

She wasn't scared, just a bit more than curious.

Emma couldn't hear anything beyond that initial loud shutting of the door. It sounded as if it had been near the bathroom. Maybe the bedroom…

With only a hint of hesitation, she wrapped her hand around the knob and pulled. The cool rush of air hit her still damp body sending a chill throughout. And then she thought she heard footsteps. The sound was coming from their bedroom.

Had Neal gotten home early?

Emma moved with soft steps against the carpeted floor, heading towards where the sound was coming from. She could feel the beat of her heart speed up. She knew the doors had been locked, so there was no way someone should have been able to get in. And they lived on the second floor, so a window wasn't optional.

When she peaked inside the bedroom, she saw the tall form still padding across the room. And then her heart wasn't beating out of her chest because of fear of a stranger. It was racing because she knew…

"Killian?"

He turned quickly around to face her. "Emma."

Eyes blinking, she lifted her shoulder in a, hopefully, nonchalant shrug. "Um… abusing the privilege of spare apartment key holder?"

What was he doing here? Other than the obvious…

"Actually, I'm living up to the responsibilities of the spare apartment key holder," he countered with a shrug of his own.

She felt her heart begin to pound. She became all too aware in the moment that she was only in a towel and her still-dripping hair clinging all over her. Not that he seemed to notice. Nope, not at all. Sometimes she wondered if he ever noticed anything singularly about her being a vital and beautiful and attractive woman, and not just the girlfriend of his best friend. Because it never escaped her mind that he was a sexy and engaging and gorgeous specimen of the male species.

Killian had the nerve to grin sheepishly at her. She almost melted with the way his fingers raced up to scratch a spot on his ear. If he didn't notice that she was all woman, never let it be said that she didn't notice that he was all man.

"Ah… Neal called you." Killian's eyes squinted on her for just a moment. "Ems, I'm sorry." It then must have dawned on him what he had walked in on. He turned around. He turned away from her. A modicum of decency she supposed. "I called you, too."

Emma's arm wrapped around her front, holding the towel closer to her. She couldn't take her eyes off of his back. She could make out the muscles there from under the thin T-shirt as he swung his arms in front of him.

"But I didn't get an answer," Killian continued. And it made Emma realize just how fast she had forgotten what he had said. "Neither did Neal."

Her mouth fell open, and she looked behind her towards the bathroom. She had not had the chance to even look at the phone.

"Oh, I didn't see that," she murmured. She turned back towards him. "I mean, I heard the phone. It was in the bathroom with me. But I was in the shower. It wasn't close really. And I didn't want to…" Emma stopped, feeling the need to stop herself before her babbling became noticeable even to him.

"Neal asked me to stop by," Killian told her. He looked over his shoulder.

Oh, he was probably waiting for her to move to actually try to cover herself and obtain some type of dignity…

Emma moved toward the bed where her robe lay waiting for her.

"Um…" Neal, right. "What did Neal send you over here for?"

She slid her arms into the robe as she looked back at him. The wet towel pooled to the floor at her feet. Her attention was focused on him though. She watched with peaked interest as he began to move closer to Neal's side of the room.

"He locked his keys in his car," Killian said with a slight laugh. "When he couldn't get you then he asked for me to come over and grab his spare key."

Emma tightened the sash of her robe around her waist as she watched him. He seemed to know exactly where the spare key was held in Neal's dresser.

It was such an odd predicament to be in, Emma thought as she stared at his back. She had known Killian almost as long as she had known Neal. Being best friends and all, it had not been out of the ordinary for them all to get together sometimes. But the fact that Emma had been attracted to him nearly that entire time didn't help her situation. She loved Neal. He would always hold a special part of her heart. But Killian…

Emma licked her lips at just the thought of him in such close proximity to her. It was just the two of them.

It wasn't just the physical attraction. And maybe it was a little wrong on her part to admit that she was probably more physically attracted to her boyfriend's best friend than she was her actual boyfriend. But it was more than that. It was the size of his heart that had drawn her in. It had been his sense of humor and his quick wit. And it had been the way- at any given moment- he could open himself up wide and let her see a side of himself he tried to keep hidden away.

Killian and Neal had some similar qualities. And that was good when you were best friends. But there were many things that distinguish the two as different. And, unfortunately, those differences seemed to draw Emma a little in the wrong direction.

"Ah… Ems. Are you decent?"

Her eyebrows raised at his peculiar question. "What?"

Killian chuckled at that. "Are you decent? I know I barged in on you and all…"

"Oh. Oh!" Emma felt her cheeks flame hot and she tugged tighter on her robe around her. "Um… yeah. You can turn around."

She heard rather than saw the dresser drawer open, and the jingle of the spare car key on its ring.

When he turned around, her gaze became transfixed on his eyes.

Emma loved everything about his look. He was just tall enough that if she stood up on tiptoe, the height difference would make for a delicious kiss. And if she wore heels, then their lips would only be mere inches apart. His deep blue eyes were encased by long and dark lashes. She liked how thick his eyebrows were. But Emma couldn't decide what was more enticing. Was it that silky-looking black hair that curled just so slightly over his forehead or was it that thick red-hued beard that she imagined was rough and coarse that would feel best under her skin?

God! It was like Killian looked right through her. It was like he never noticed how her body responded to every part of his. Emma was standing there, completely naked underneath the bathrobe. And he never gave an inkling that that fact enticed him even the tiniest bit.

"I'm sorry, Emma," Killian told her with a frown.

Emma shook her head. "For?"'

He shrugged again. "For barging in like this. Neal said you were probably getting ready for work. Since you didn't answer the phone, it was going to be likely that you wouldn't have had the time to run down to his job and bring him the key. So it was important that the best friend swooped in to save the day."

"It's no problem," she assured him with another shake of her head. "That's what best friends are for, right? And that's what you have the key for."

Killian nodded then.

Emma stared up at him. Because she thought it was her imagination going wild that made her see something in his eyes. Something quick and fleeting.

"I… should get going," Killian murmured. "Neal gets off of work soon. And you need to get dressed."

Yes, because she was naked underneath that robe. And she was very aware of that nakedness.

He moved then.

It was a tumultuous and very difficult thing to live with. Emma wished more than anything that Killian would not walk right past her and ignore the ache that was building inside of her for him.

He didn't know. Killian walked right past her. He didn't see the utter despair that consumed her completely.

"Killian?" His name left her mouth as a murmur just as he was behind her.

"Yeah?"

She knew that he considered her a friend. She knew that he respected the relationship she had with Neal. She knew that he believed that she was a really good for him as well. And Emma also knew that Killian Jones had never looked at her with anything that contradicted those facts.

And, with a heavy sadness in her heart for a man who had been a part of her life for years now, it stopped her from acting on that impulse to bare herself in that moment.

Emma turned to look at him. She buried all thoughts and feelings down deep because… there was no other possible acceptable solution.

"Um… thanks for saving me a trip down to Neal's job," she murmured. She couldn't meet his eyes because those feelings weren't buried deep enough just yet.

"My pleasure."

Emma heard the buzz of Killian's phone from somewhere on him. She watched as she pulled it from his pants pocket.

"And that's Neal texting me now." His laugh was small. "He wanted to make sure I got in okay. You're still not answering your phone. Ems… Emma." And his hand came to lightly tug on one end of her sash. "I have to get out of here."

His grasp of her robe didn't mean anything to him, but it took every fiber in her being to accept that it was only a friendly gesture.

"Yeah." She cleared her throat quietly, looking away from him. "So go."

Killian moved then, heading back to the bedroom door.

"I'll talk to you later. See you, Emma."

"Yeah, see you later, Killian."

Emma looked back up and she watched as he disappeared out of the bedroom.

It was her issue, and no one else's. The fact that he made her heart race by just a simple touch of fabric that moved just barely against her skin was only known by her. The fact that it was a secret best kept to herself only made her feelings of loneliness grow.

Moving towards the bedroom door herself, she heard the click of their front door closing.

Killian was gone.

A smile broke across Emma's face. It was her burden and her burden alone.

If she was honest with herself- and sometimes it was really hard to be that honest with herself- she was falling quite hard for her boyfriend's best friend. A best friend whose friendship had spanned years before she had known either of them. A best friend who wouldn't usually give her a second glance. At least not the way she would like.

And, damn, no matter how wrong she knew it was, Emma still wished that he would look at her the way she needed him to. Because if he did, all bets would be off.

Yes, she loved Neal Cassidy. She wouldn't have stayed all this time if she had not loved him.

But, she believed with everything in her heart, that loving Killian Jones would be all the more fulfilling.


	2. Chapter 2

Having a workout partner was supposed to be the encouragement anyone needed to push through the burn. Having a workout partner meant that there was a shared load.

Killian and Neal had had a solid routine for over a year. And Killian had appreciated it for what it was. Neal may not have been totally invested- His routine was a bit lighter than that of Killian's and his diet a lot more laxed- but the point was that he had been there. They were partners.

And then Neal had met her…

Emma had changed the routine up a little bit. She hadn't distracted Neal to the point to where he could no longer make his morning workout. No, it had just equaled to this natural adoption of bringing her along. It had been Neal who had persuaded her to join the two. So now…

Killian could see Neal on the other side of the gym. He was sure that he wasn't making conversation with the guys down at the free weights in an attempt to get out of his own workout…

He smirked at that. Because he knew that was exactly what was happening down there.

A tap on his arm that didn't disturb his jog on the treadmill did make him turn his head. Emma had an all-knowing smirk on her face as well. The tap hadn't tripped him up, but it was all about conscious effort to not let the fact that he was seeing her accomplish the same issue.

It was probably the point that they both had in earbuds that she didn't say anything. She lifted her chin in the direction of where Neal stood across the room and then shook her head.

Okay, so they both knew that Neal wasn't as dedicated as either one of them. But it didn't matter. Coming to the gym together had other benefits for all of them other than getting physically fit. It was about spending time together and hanging out. It was about having fun.

The problem Killian sometimes found himself in was the same situation as now: Neal venturing off on his own- finding some lightweight exercise to entertain himself- while Emma stayed close to Killian as they usually hit it hard.

He liked her at his side. Emma was strong and she liked to push herself during workouts. And Killian liked watching that dedication. Like now.

She was looking at Neal from lowered lashes, her running pace never letting up. And it was annoyingly attractive.

Damn.

He found himself watching her as she turned her head to the opposite side. The amount of white smooth skin that was exposed looked tempting. A bit too tempting. Because it was one thing to notice the dripping of perspiration making its way over that skin. It was something else altogether to find that one drop, making its path quickly over that creaminess and disappearing in the crevasse that divided her body.

Damn it all.

Neal was his best friend. They were as close as brothers. So finding himself attracted to his girlfriend was just about beyond reproach. It was okay to admit that she was more than just attractive. It was okay to admit that she was gorgeous. And it was also okay to admit that even though she was more of Neal's type when it came to the physical, he couldn't help but be drawn to her more than any woman he could even think of.

Yeah, all that was okay. Neal knew how lucky he was to have found Emma. Getting to hear from his best friend that that fact was true always seemed to put a smug grin on his face.

It was the other thoughts that entered his mind that were not okay. It was the thoughts that he had always been good at tampering down deep and out of sight.

Killian's mind had wandered off somewhere away from his workout and his body was about to follow. There was a small hitch in his sprint, but he caught himself. Emma would probably be the first one to laugh at him if he suddenly found himself rolling off of the treadmill because of a missed step.

He brought his speed down significantly, coming from a jog to a nice and slow walk. And then he turned to look at her again.

Emma was his friend. Neal was his friend. Emma and Neal together were solid and good. So it was a hell of a situation to find himself in when it came to being more that a bit attracted to her.

How had his mind even gone there? He'd been having a nice and normal workout. And then suddenly he had to start getting the stirrings of how she affected him.

Killian yanked the earbuds out, letting them fall against his chest. He grabbed at his water bottle that was sitting in the cubby and popped the top. Annoyance was riddling his body, and he was ready for it to be over.

He steadied himself to look back at her, knowing exactly what he would see.

She was running at top speed, the blonde topknot beginning to loosen and pieces of hair falling down. Emma threw him a glance, noticing immediately that he was watching her. Her eyes widened and she playfully poked her tongue out at him before she turned her gaze back in front of her.

It took him by surprised for just a second. And then he could no longer contain his smile.

Emma Swan.

Killian was happy it wasn't all the physical. She was a cutie and she was sexy. She was also smart and funny and challenging in the best way.

And she belonged to his best friend…

He watched as she gave him a quick shake of her head. Then she began moved to lower the speed of her own treadmill.

Emma was breathless when she turned to him again. There was a smile on her lips as she looked him over.

"What?" she asked in a huff, pulling out the earbud. Her hands went to rest on her hips as she tried to steady her breathing.

Killian shook his head, not having an answer for her.

Damn, if Neal didn't already realize what he had with Emma then Killian would have been happy to remind him on a regular basis.

"What?" Emma asked again. And then there was something behind that look she was giving him. It had gone from playful annoyance to something he couldn't define. It was something soft and curious.

He shook his head again. "Nothing."

She stared at him, her steps on the treadmill having to be somewhere in the two miles an hour range. It felt like a long and intense quiet moment.

Emma. She was a friend. She was the girlfriend of his best friend. She was beauty personified. That was both inside as well as outside.

Killian couldn't put a name to what else he felt about her. He liked her. He liked her a lot. It was a good friendship. All three of them had this wonderful friendship.

So he left those feelings undefined. He'd chalk it up to envy of his friend for having it so good. He'd chalk it up to Neal being one lucky man. He'd leave the fact that Emma was a great woman there on the floor.

Killian watched as she blinked her eyes at him. Her smile was tiny as she looked over at the control panel of his treadmill.

"How much longer do we have?"

He looked to see the pedometer to see just what he'd done so far.

"I have another mile or so to go," he confessed.

"Hmm, slacker." Emma grinned then. "Well let's get this over and done with." She turned back to her own machine and cranked the speed back up.

And it was adorable. Emma Swan was adorable. She was a hell of a workout partner and motivator.

With his own smile, Killian followed her lead to speed up his treadmill.

Okay. She was all of those things and so much more.

Most importantly, Emma Swan was in a relationship with his best friend. So whatever other thought that might have entered his mind at any given time, that fact overrode them all.

**** 

"I'm done." It was a little strained, but Emma smiled up at him from her place on the bench. Her eyes remained closed as she waited for him to lift the bar back onto the rack.

Killian looked her body to access the truth behind that statement.

"You can do one more set," he murmured. And then he smiled down at her.

Emma's groan was slight. "I guess I could, but I think I'm good for the day." Her eyes popped open then.

He thought he would have gotten another protest from her, but instead her gazed locked onto his. She was staring intently into his eyes. It made Killian wonder just what she was trying to convey. What was she trying to say to him.

"Come on, Emma," he pushed her with a smile.

He watched as her tongue poked out of her mouth to wet her lips. There was perspiration dotting her forehead. And strands of hair sticking to her wet skin.

"Just a set of five."

It was the unwavering of her green eyes on him. Killian only felt the tiniest bit apprehensive about it.

"Killian." His name came out her mouth as a soft whisper.

She was laying there on that bench directly beneath him. The way that she was looking up at him was…

Nothing…

"Yeah?"

"A set of five," Emma finally conceded.

And he nodded. Lifting the bar back off the rack, he helped position back in place for her.

"Your arms will thank me for it," he assured her with a smile.

"I doubt it," Emma said with a sigh. "Due to great genes I don't really need the extra set." She smiled then. "This is just for you."

The whispered acknowledgement shouldn't have done a thing to him. Not one goddamn thing. So he ignored whatever that internal thing was at the moment.

"I'll take that." Killian grinned down at her. "No more talking, Emma."

Her eyes burned into his again. But he ignored it. She wouldn't distract him in any way.

"Let's go."

When those eyes shut tight, it didn't break the spell. But it did help.

Emma Swan.

Neal was nowhere in sight. It made Killian question it. He had this woman, and yet he didn't take advantage of the moments like this.

It should have been Neal and not Killian. And then maybe he wouldn't have to dig in deep to bury something that was best laid to rest.

"One… two…"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm really happy that people are liking this fic! It completely came out of nowhere. It was only supposed to be a one-shot, so please excuse any missed details. I'm only now trying to flesh out what it's supposed to be.**

**This is only the third piece of ff that I've uploaded here, and you guys are great with responding and giving feedback! Please, continue to let me know what you think. And thank you for reading!**

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"Did you need any help?"

Emma looked up to see Neal walking into the kitchen with his usual smile. It was always so warm and inviting. That was the smile that always made his eyes look bright and had them crinkle in the corner

"A little." She offered him a raised eyebrow. "Dinner in front of the TV sound okay with you?" "Sounds pretty terrific to me," he assured her.

"Then you can just take all this stuff out there. The spaghetti's done now."

Neal bypassed the table that had the dishes she had already set out for them and moved over to her. His hands found her waist easily and he placed a kiss on the side of her neck.

"Mm, there is just this _intoxicating _fragrance you have going on, Emma." The murmur was buried into the spot under her ear before he kissed that spot, too.

"You mean tomato and basil?" she asked lightly. Emma pushed at his shoulder, moving him slightly away from her. "Yeah, really nice."

Neal's smile turned into a grin. He took another step back and began to observe her.

"How about a bottle of wine to go with this feast?" He moved then, heading back over to the table.

Emma watched as he gathered up the basket of bread and glasses and forks and napkins, filling up his hands and arms to full capacity.

"Even better."

His last stop was to the freezer, where he pulled out a nicely chilled bottle of one of her favorite wines. It was with a grin that he backed out of the kitchen.

It left Emma with a smile on her face.

It had been a little more than two years. Just over two years ago, Emma had met Neal. And it had always been good and easy. He was one of those genuine good guys who was eager to please.

It had been easy to like him. It had been easy to love him. Because loving Neal meant comfort and simplicity. It had come with an open heart and sincerity. She hadn't known how much she had needed that until she had it.

"Emma!"

And sometimes that eagerness was on the higher end of the scale.

"I'm getting it now!" It was with a roll of her eyes that she reacted to her name.

They had moved in together after a year. Her lease had come to an end and it seemed like the perfect next step in their relationship. Things had been going great. So why not? And she had never regretted the decision. Their lives together so far had been great. If Emma had the chance to change anything about Neal, she didn't think she would. Not because _he_ was the perfect man, she thought with a smile. But because everything about him _fit him_ perfectly.

Carefully balancing the two big bowls of pasta in her hands, she walked slowly into the living room where he was waiting for her.

Neal was pouring ample amounts of wine into both of the glasses when she had made her way there.

"This is perfect."

Emma sat the bowls down on the table that he had pulled up to the couch. She then rose back up to look at him.

The grin was back. It was easy.

"A night at home alone. Just the two of us."

Emma lifted her shoulder in a shrug. "It's what we do." She moved then, taking the pre-offered glass into her hand while slipping herself to fit right into his arms.

She liked the way he held her. It was safe and comforting. She could feel the way his mouth moved across the top of her head so lightly.

"Dinner's going to get cold." She moved then, lifting the glass to her lips and taking a sip. "Come sit down."

"Wouldn't want that to happen. Not after you had a long day at work and _still _came home to cook for us."

Emma ran her fingers through her hair, fluffing the ends. "My day was fine. My schedule may fluctuate, but it's not like _I'm _the one pulling all of the doubles."

"Yeah, well." Neal, taking a hunk of the crusty bread, dipped it into the sauce. His eyes met hers again. "No pain no gain."

"Hmm…"

Emma liked her job. She liked being able to help those who were really in need of it. As a physical therapist assistant, she had spent time in a hospital setting, had inquired about a school setting, but had found her home at a total of two nursing homes with her physical therapist. She liked the fluctuation of her schedule. Depending on the week, she could find herself there either until the early afternoon or other times until the early evening. She found it to be the most rewarding work she had been able to do in all her years.

She guessed that Neal had found his own job rewarding. She'd never say that she really and truly knew what it was like to work in industrial field. She imagined that B & D Pallet Building & Supply was as self-explanatory as the name said. She imagined hardworking men in protective goggles and cotton gloves while making and shrink wrapping pallets, and fork lift driving. Was it a job she could picture being entertaining? No. But Neal had seemed to enjoy it.

"It's bringing in the money that we need," he reminded her.

Emma smiled over at him.

"My wonderful provider," she murmured.

Because she believed that providing for them _was _one of the reasons he worked so hard. And that was just one more element that she loved about him.

"I try."

He did more than try. He succeeded. And it did something to her heart.

Emma had a smile on her face when she moved closer to his side of the couch. She touched her lips to his faintly bearded cheek.

"Hey, what was that for?" he asked her softly, a mock confused look on his face. But his hand went to fall on her knee, pulling her closer to him.

"It was for being you," Emma told him. "I love you."

And his smile reached his eyes again. "I love you, too."

When he moved to kiss her once more, it was the buzz of his phone that made it only a quick little peck on the lips.

Emma watched as he pulled the phone out of his pocket and looked at it.

Text message.

There was a bit of hesitation as he read it.

Emma finally grabbed at her bowl and placed it in her lap. But it was her curiosity of the look his face displayed that drew her attention.

"What?"

Neal's fingers were hovering over the screen, but he looked back at her.

"It's Killian."

And the thought of him made her smile. "Yeah?"

"He said that he was going to stop by, if that was okay." Neal dropped the phone in his lap and moved even closer to her. "But I was _sensing _that things were moving towards… _something _here tonight." He gave her an all-knowing smile. "I could tell him not to come by."

Emma could feel her heart begin to pick up speed. Killian was coming over? It was the fact that that made her happy that caught her own attention. Although she understood where Neal was coming from- they were having a pretty nice time with just the two of them- she really didn't want to pass up the chance to see Killian.

How could it be so instantaneous? How could she go from feeling completely complacent and happy in her moment with Neal to beginning to have that desperate need to see Killian?

"No, no," she told him with a shake of her head.

"No?" With a raise of his eyebrow, he looked at her in surprise. "Are you sure? Because…"

"Yeah, I'm sure," Emma told him. "Text him back. Let him know we're having spaghetti and that we'll save him some."

She turned her focus back onto her food. Staring down into the bowl, she swirled the food around her fork.

"Well maybe he'll make it a quick visit," Neal said, sounding hopeful.

_And maybe he wouldn't._

Emma smiled to herself as she listened to Neal pick up his phone.

She was going to see Killian tonight! She was used to this feeling, she noted to herself as she threw Neal a side-glance. It had been so quick- too quick?- that her heart had did that switch thing. She had been enjoying her time with Neal. She had even begun to anticipate this great night between them. And then he had mentioned Killian. And then it had been lost. It was him who drove her crazy- who made her heart go crazy.

_Her boyfriend's best friend.  
><em>She was a bad girlfriend. Worse than bad, because ultimately she knew she wanted to act on those feelings. More than just a little bit…

.  
>.<p>

She didn't rush back to the living room after she was finished with cleaning up the kitchen. No, of course not. She had walked in casually, sharing a smile with both men, and took her seat on the couch.

Emma probably felt the worst when they were all together. Not all the time, because it wasn't _all the time. _But with him sitting there in the chair across from both her and Neal, it was a little difficult to keep her mind off of what it would be like to have him.

Tonight was a little harder than most. She didn't know why.

She found herself a bit entranced by his hands. She imagined her hand palm to palm with his. She imagined how small it would appear in comparison to his. And she imagined that hand closing around hers and holding her tight.

Emma watched as the corners of his lips lifted into a smile. She watched as his fingers found that elusive itch that was behind his ear. It was one of the most adorable idiosyncrasies that she had ever seen. There was a ray of light that made his eyes sparkle.

And it had all been for Neal. Emma was lost on the conversation. Coming in on the middle of it had not helped the situation.

It was crazy how happy he made her. She attempted to think about them as friends and what the friendship had afforded them both. She tried to keep her mind clear of the other aspect- how she physically yearned to know another side of him.

_Damn._

Emma bit down on her lip as she leaned back into her seat. She had caught a glimpse of Neal out the corner of her eye on her way.

_Neal._

She mentally shook her head.

Not an hour ago, she had been thinking of how good her life had been for the past two years. And it was because of him. And now…

Emma's gaze focused back on Killian.

She wasn't expecting to meet his eyes in that same moment.

That brief stare sent tingles throughout her whole body and had her breath catch in her throat. His eyes were a rich and beautiful shade of blue.

Their meeting had been all too brief. In the space of a few seconds, Killian had looked away. He had turned his attention back on Neal, as if he had not experienced the same rush of electricity that she had.

It was because he didn't…

_Damn. Did that hurt?_

No. Emma just wished that sometimes- like this time- Killian could feel what she felt. Because it was an amazing feeling. It had given her hope, even if it was so brief. It had made her feel…

Without warning, she was being dragged over to the other side of the couch. It was a bit jarring- Neal's arm crossing over her lap and bringing her closer to him- to be pulled out of her thoughts. Pulled out of her dreams and back into reality…

Neal's smile wasn't as infectious as Killian's. Which only left Emma curious.

"What?"

"Killian has made a request from us," he told her, nodding his head toward his friend.

Emma turned to look back at Killian. And what she saw- a hint of hesitation- piqued her curiosity all the more.

"What is it?" she asked slowly.

Killian's smile was small. Those fingers disappeared once again to some unknown spot behind his ear as a puff of air escaped between his lips. Pretty pink lips that _could _kiss first her cheek before moving on to other places…

She caught herself before she let her thoughts take over.

"I'm sorry/" She turned back to look all of a sudden. "What is it?"

"Apparently, our friend here has met a very nice young lady," Neal informed her with a sly smile.

_And the surprises kept on coming…_

The instantaneous disapproval that ran through her entire body felt cold. She forced herself to look back at Killian and _not _show the surprise on her face.

"Oh, yeah?"

Killian shook his head. "It's really nothing yet."

Neal's hand clamped down hard on Emma's knee,

"It's nothing yet. But it looks promising." And his smile grew into a full grin. "He wants our help, Emma."

She felt a sudden dryness in her throat. There was a large part of her that didn't want to hear whatever she had missed out of on their conversation.

"I was just thinking of getting your opinions and such," Killian murmured softly.

Emma was quick to turn back to him. She wondered what the apprehension was for. She wondered if he realized how conflicted her entire self was by this.

Of course he didn't realize. But there was something there.

"I was thinking we could all get together and do something easy," Killian explained. "Just to figure out if I'm headed in the right direction with this thing."

Emma shook her head. "I… didn't know… you were seeing anyone." How could she have not known? Were those brief and fleeting looks she'd thought she'd imagine really been over thoughts of another woman?

She felt the jealousy seep through her. It wasn't fair to be jealous when she had no relationship whatsoever with him. She had- _God, her she really did have- _true feelings for him. But it was one-sided. Not only that, but she had a boyfriend. A good-

It didn't stop the jealousy though. In the two years that she had known Killian, he had not been in a relationship with anyone. Brief and inconsequential encounters with women that never went anywhere.

It had been a while since the last one that she had heard about. And in that time, her feelings had grown even more. So this news was…

"Like I said, it's nothing," Killian told her. "But maybe she'll be… a new friend. So you guys should meet her."

There was something Emma couldn't read. Something strange in his demeanor. It still sent confusion through every part of her.

"So maybe dinner and a movie," Killian said, peering at her with guarded eyes.

"Are you up to doing something this weekend, Emma?" Neal chimed in. "I'll make sure to keep my schedule clear if you want."

Emma could only look at Killian. There had to be something she was missing.

As unfair and unwarranted and hypocritical as it seemed even to her, she didn't like the thought.

"Um…" She turned back to Neal. "Just give me some time to figure out… my own schedule. Then I'll let you know."

Right now would have been the perfect time for that bottle of wine.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Fanfiction, you guys feed my muse! Thank you so much for all the great comments. You're the most receptive of all three sites that I post on, and that is amazing! So please don't stop. Let me know what you think:)**

.

.

"You look… stunning, Emma."

Had she taken his breath away? Hmm…

"Oh?" She gave herself a little twirl. Or more like him a chance to check her out.

Emma wouldn't let jealousy rule her night. No, she had done everything in her power to make sure that that didn't happen. She wouldn't have time to be jealous because nothing nor no one would be able to compete with her that night. She had a gorgeous body in her arsenal. One that Killian seemed content on not even noticing. But tonight…

Tonight, Emma would make sure he had to think twice about where his eyes laid.

Jealousy was not an admirable attribute. Even without knowing anything about the woman who would be accompanying them, she had decided to make sure she looked her best. _The_ best.

She wanted him to notice. Not the extra time and effort she had put in for him. But she wanted him to take notice of what was right at his fingertips. If only he would actually notice _that _fact.

The red cocktail dress wasn't new in the least, but it was one of her favorites. It was the way the satin of the halter ruffled mini hugged every single curve. She loved that every inch of creamy skin that it displayed was done in a classy way. Just a hint of cleavage, but all legs that were highlighted by the matching heels. She felt nothing but beautiful. And the way he looked at her…

A hand clapped firmly at the small of her back, warm and secure.

Emma blinked up at Killian, a small smile gracing her lips as she felt Neal take his place at her side.

"So where is she?"

And even though she had enjoyed that tiny moment that she had shared alone with Killian- even if it was only in her mind that he was a bit captivated- she, too, wondered where this mystery woman was.

"Ah…" Killian's eyes narrowed on the both of them. "She said that she was on her way. She should be here any minute."

"You didn't come together?" Neal asked, sounding surprise.

"Picking her up would have been the gentlemanly thing to do, Killian," Emma chimed in. Secretly, she saw it as a good sign. Come alone, leave alone…

The double-date was supposed to consist of dinner and a movie. Dinner was first. And they had decided to meet there at the reserved time.

Emma hadn't been surprised when she had seen Killian already inside when they got there. He had a penchant for being on time, if not early.

"Yeah, well." His hand raised to midway into the air and stopped there. "We decided that we would meet instead." He offered up one of his dashing smiles.

And it made her cringe at the feel of Neal's hand at her back. Emma had tried very hard to tamper any… _lust _for Killian when they were all together. It was just…

_Damn, those eyes! _He had beautiful blue eyes that looked just a hue lighter than normal. The usual carefully disheveled hair was now combed back and away from his forehead. And the beard that she had imagined grazing against her skin was actually trimmed down.

He was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

And he was that way for…

Not her, but some random woman. Some random woman who was in no possible way good enough for him.

The hand on her back began to move up.

Emma swallowed hard. Life wasn't always fair. She had been studying her boyfriend's best friend. She had begun to take in every nuance of him while Neal stood at her side. She had spent a good part of her evening getting ready so that maybe she would see an appreciative glint form in his eyes. And she had stood there wishing that they were alone instead of Neal being at her side and some woman coming to be on his arm.

Killian looked down at his phone that he had pulled out of his pocket.

"Why don't you two go on in? I was just inside and they said our table would be ready soon. I'll just wait out here until she comes."

"Are you sure, man?" Neal's arm moved from Emma's back to wrap around her waist. "We could wait out here with you."

Killian shook his head. "No, I'm fine. If our table is ready then there is no reason to wait. I'll see you in there."

Neal nodded. "Okay." The slight tug informed Emma that he was ready if she was.

"Fine."

She let Neal take the lead, walking closely behind.

"Ems." And Killian's fingertips grazed her just below her elbow.

She couldn't contain the shiver that ran through her body at just that touch.

"Yeah?" It was breathless and had a note of surprise to it.

_Those damn blue eyes, sincere as ever._

"You do look stunning, Ems."

She searched those eyes. She wanted to put a name to whatever it was she saw. And she wanted it to be what she thought it was.

For just a moment- it was such an infinitesimal and minute moment- it was everything that she had needed it to be. But it didn't last…

"You look rather dashing yourself, Killian."

She saw the corners of his lips move just as her hand was being grabbed in front of her. Neal was pulling her close again.

"See you inside," she called back.

_Oh, what an _interesting _night this was going to be._

.

.

She decided immediately not to like the redhead. And then she decided how foolish she was being. Emma couldn't _dislike _someone just because she was on a date with Killian. Then again…

She could feel the foreign feeling of resentment as she watched the close proximity of their chairs beside each other. There was plenty of room, and there was no need for those seats to be pushed against each other.

Okay, Emma surmised as she took in a deep and steadying breath, she was a bit jealous. She had absolutely no right to be jealous. No right at all. All the meticulous care that she had given herself that day had done the job. Even if Ariel- _Ariel, really?- _looked… hmm… Okay, she looked quite beautiful in her white A-line dress that hugged nicely at the waist and flared out into princess ruffles. There was a stark contrast of red waves that fell over her shoulders against that her already milky skin and that white dress.

Emma found herself out of the loop of conversation. It was so easy to continuously get distracted about trying to see what Killian may have seen in her.

Ariel. She seemed sweet and bubbly.

Was sweet and bubbly really Killian's type? Emma would beg to differ.

It was the way she sat there complacent. It was the way her fingers lightly tugged at the ends of her hair as she smiled sweetly from under lowered lashes.

Emma couldn't put her finger on it. It wasn't that it came off as pretentious or fake. No, that wasn't it. It was just…

_Wrong. _She was all wrong...

She felt the glide of fingers high on her thigh before it became a single pat that then rested there.

Neal's gesture had forced her to tune back into the present conversation. If Killian liked her, then she was supposed to give her a chance. She wasn't supposed to watch her so carefully until it sent her running for the hills.

"We haven't heard the story of how you guys met." It was Neal who had turned the subject from… well, she had no idea to be honest.

Ariel turned to look at Killian. Her smile reached those green eyes and she looked tempted by what to say next.

Emma wanted to shake her head in disbelief. Ariel had looked at Killian as if this story could possibly be of any interest. But how could it be? How long could he have known her without even mentioning that fact to her? Or to Neal?

Killian was looking back at Ariel. His lips formed a single line in question.

"It wasn't that long ago," she said with a shake of her head.

Killian turned to look back at them from the other side of the table.

"Not long at all," he agreed. "Or else you guys would have known about her."

_Of course! So why act like this was the beginning of something when it clearly was not?_

"We met at work," Ariel finally answered with a smile.

_Which sounded a bit problematic. _

Emma couldn't help the glare of surprise she gave him.

_This wasn't going to work. And when it all fell through, then what?_

"He was sent from the IT department when we were having issues with our computer system," Ariel continued. "And then, Killian being Killian, it was easy to strike up this little friendship."

"How long have you been dating?" Maybe it was out of line, but only because of her tone. Which she was sorry for. "I mean…"

Killian was slow to turn to her. The expression was difficult to read, but maybe he thought that she was a little out of line as well.

Ariel held up two pretty and perfectly manicured nails.

"This is date number two," she answered proudly.

_Hmm, interesting._

"A second date and he suggested to make it a double with his best friends?" Emma wondered how she felt about that.

"Oh." Her eyes were wide and innocent. "This is a wonderful opportunity to get to know more about Killian. To be introduced to friends? I was all excited about it."

Emma shrugged. "Well at least a good chance to see how this will go."

She saw the stunned look on her face before the quick recovery.

"I… I…" She turned her attention to Killian. "I hope I do okay." And then she gave a nervous laugh.

"I'm sure." Her focus went from Ariel and back to Killian.

The look he gave her this time was indiscernible, but she could imagine what was on his mind. Why the attack?

Why the attack indeed.

Ariel was too sweet. Too good-natured. She wouldn't be able to give Killian what he needed. Not in any aspect. Didn't he get that?

"Emma."

She turned to see Neal smile at her, but a similar look of what the hell.

She was supposed to be on her best behavior. She was supposed to give this girl a chance. Because she knew how hypocritical it was to have Neal at her side and have feelings for Killian, and then expecting Killian to stay free and clear of any and all females. The fact was that he didn't want her. So shouldn't she be excited for him to be dating?

_The reincarnate of any pick of the Disney princess… Hell no!_

"Will you guys excuse me for just a moment?" Ariel back her chair away from the table slowly and very carefully.

Killian was quick to raise from his chair as well. _Consummate gentleman…_

"I'm going to go to the powder room. I'll be right back."

"Emma?"

She glanced at Neal. Did he think she was going to go make girl talk in the bathroom with her? It was almost laughable.

Emma lifted her gaze up at Ariel as she reached for her glass of wine.

It was a mystified look that she shared with Killian before she eventually walked off. _Perhaps she was making a bad first impression._

Emma had only taken a brief sip of the wine before she heard the huff of laughter from beside her.  
>"I get the feeling …"<p>

"Don't start."

"What is the issue?"

She turned to look at Killian then. He was stooped over the table, his gaze straight on her.

"Am I missing something?" he murmured softly. And those eyes roamed over her face. "When I thought about you guys meeting Ariel, I didn't think it would go so bad."

"So what is it, Emma?" Neal's arm wrapped around her chair, bringing him closer to her.

"She's sweet," Emma answered.

"But somehow that doesn't seem like a compliment." Killian leaned back in his own seat and he watched them both. "She doesn't like her?"

"I don't think she likes her." Neal grinned back at him.

"Is 'sweet' what you want, Killian?" Emma asked softly. Because she didn't think so.

The urge to be alone with him was stronger than ever. She wanted to say things that she knew she couldn't. It was for many reasons. Her boyfriend- his best friend- was sitting beside her. There was a woman who seemed to be hopeful of a budding relationship with him. And maybe most significant was the fact that she was in this alone. Just her.

So no, she wouldn't be alone with him in this moment.

"She's more than just sweet," Killian assured her.

_He hadn't… Because she felt like her hypocritical heart would betray her if she thought that they had…_

"Well you would be the one to know," she agreed pointedly.

"Is that the problem?" He moved then, his hands lying flat on the table before him. "I value your opinion- both of your opinions."

Maybe that chipped her heart just a little bit.

"So… can you give her… a chance here?" He offered the smallest of smiles. "It's early. Only a second date and all."

"Killian, we have your back," Neal told him with a firm nod of his head. "Finding a match isn't the easiest thing to do in the world. Emma," he looked at her then, "just wants you to be happy. Sorry for the…" He cut his own self off to chuckle lightly. "I don't know what that was really."

Neal had apologized, but Killian's eyes was only on her.

Emma didn't know enough about this Ariel woman. And it wasn't fair to Killian to be so rude just because she couldn't have what she wanted.

Okay, there was a bit of jealousy there. But that wasn't the reason she wanted him. She knew that the fact that he was this elusive to her wasn't the reason she craved him so much. She had nothing she could do about it. Nothing that could solve her problems. Not when she was with Neal and he was seeing someone else. Not when she was in this alone.

"I will… keep an open mind," she finally told him. "And I will be honest about whatever it is I think."

Killian shrugged at that response. "It's all I ask."

And she nodded in concession.

Open-minded or not, she knew that Ariel was not the one. If Emma couldn't have him, that didn't mean he got to ride off into the sunset with a bubbly redhead who was nowhere near his match.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks for all the comments, follows, and favorites! They mean so much to me:)**

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.

The bar wasn't crowded just yet, but he could see the stirrings of a good night. On nights like this they usually waited for each other at the bar or at least somewhere close by. And it looked like she had been able to save him a seat.

"Hey, did you hear from Neal?" Killian slipped onto the barstool next to Emma.

He watched as her eyes went wide and how she patted down her jacket.

"Did you talk to him?"

And it made Killian smile. "I'm almost tempted to think that you are avoiding his calls. How is it that he can never reach you, Ems?"

Emma pulled out her phone and searched through the contents.

"He said that he won't be able to make it tonight," he told her as she still looked through her text messages.

"He said that he's going to go in tomorrow morning for some overtime, so drinking has to be out for the night," Emma murmured, looking down at the screen. "He's sorry." Her eyes flew up to his, a look of something that hinted to curiosity.

"Yeah, I talked to him," Killian assured her. "He said you weren't answering. I'm lucky that I found you." He didn't know what it was. He didn't know what that peculiar look was. Why her eyes seemed a bit sad and her mouth just slightly turned down.

"Maybe you're not up to this either. Did… did you want to just go home?"

There was a lift of her eyebrows as she watched him.

"No," she said after a short pause. And then that sadness turned into a frown. "No. It was a long day at work and I just want to unwind."

_So what was that look for?_

"Are you sure, Emma?"

She offered him a half smile. "Yeah. I'm looking forward to relaxing with a few shots of tequila. Don't you want to join me?" She grabbed at his hand and squeezed tightly.

"I'm all for it." And he was. It had been one of those days for himself.

"Good." Emma signaled the bartender. "Tequila shot. Please."

"Make that two."

Emma nodded. "You're going to venture out with me, and I like it."

It made Killian smile. It was going to just be the two of them tonight…

"Neal's going to work on a Saturday, which means…"

"He won't be able to go to the gym tomorrow," Emma finished for him. "It'll be just the two of us. That's fine. Neal would have been off on his own anyway. It's no big deal."

Killian sat up straight on the barstool and turned to look at her.

"You know who would likely be keen on joining us, since Neal can't make it?" He shook his head. "I'm sure if I called her-"

"You're not serious," Emma huffed, rolling her eyes to showcase her pure disgust. "I know you're _not _about to suggest calling Ariel to invite her."

Killian caught his lip with his teeth, trying to contain the grin. "You said that you were going to be nice."

Her eyes squinted on him. "And I also said that I would be honest. They are two in the same, Killian."

"Hey." He pulled her into his arms. It was instinctive, the need to hold her in that moment. "Hey. I was only kidding."

Her arms went around his shoulders and she held him tighter in their embrace.

"You better be." The murmur came close to his ear, soft and alluring.

Killian felt his mind began to race. It was supposed to be a conciliatory hug. Something to appease his teasing her. What it was _not _supposed to be was warm, cozy, intimate. It wasn't supposed to speed up his heart. He wasn't supposed to breathe her in and not want to let her go.

But that hug was all of those things and so much more.

He felt her fingertips hold firm at the nape of his neck as he pulled back.

"Tequila's here."

Emma pushed herself off of him and back onto her barstool.

It was a quick and fleeting glance between them. Quick, fleeting, and nothing.

"Bottoms up, Killian." Emma smiled. She lifted her shot glass and waited for him to do the same. "Now let's see if you can keep up with me."

He loved the sass. She was going to be fully on tonight. So…

"I think _that _is a challenge, Ms. Swan. One that I fully accept."

He watched her over the top of his glass as both shots went down.

.

.

He didn't know who he would have considered the victor in her contest. Not when he had the forethought to stop after a few of those tequila shots and beers. Emma, in all her tininess, had not had that much forethought. Killian was sure he had lost count of how many she had actually downed.

His decline of moving to the dance floor had not deterred her in the least. The bar was now at full capacity, and it had been a little difficult to keep track of her out there.

Killian eventually caught sight of her, making her way through the throng of bodies and back his way. Even if it was clear that she was drunk, he couldn't help but smile. It wasn't sloppy (yet), just a certain buzz that she seemed to be quite enjoying.

"Killian."

He found the fact that she wasn't slurring a positive.

"Killian, why didn't you come with me?" Emma poked out her bottom lip as she moved even closer to him.

"I'm dead tired, Ems," he told her with a shake of his head. "Just looking at you is exhausting."

Emma ran her hands over her face, scrubbing roughly at her cheeks. She opened her eyes so that she could watch him. There was a slight twinkle about those eyes.

"I think I won," she said matter-of-factly.

Looking up at her, he guessed that he would concede to that. "I think you won."

And it made Emma giggle. She broke out into a fit of giggles.

Killian watched as she moved quickly over to him, her steps surprisingly fluent.

Arms outstretched and ready, she plopped herself down onto his lap. Those arms closed around his neck loosely and she laid her head down on his shoulder.

She was… drunk, Killian thought with a slight smile. His fingers danced over the back of her head, tempted… They found the silky strands of blonde hair that fell down her back. For a moment, they lay just like that, hovering over that spot. And then… his fingers buried and tangled themselves deep into that mass.

"It's late," he murmured. "We should get going."

There was a moment of silence. She was so still that he wondered if she had actually dozed off. His fingers deepened their search in her hair as his free arm draped over her lap. He would wait, just another moment. Because, lying against him, she felt...

"Killian?" His name left her mouth on a hushed breath. Emma pushed herself away from him so that she could see his face. And once again, like before, there was a sadness there.

Emma's eyes opened wide as she looked down at his chest. Her mouth was tense and formed a straight line.

"What is it, Emma?" He didn't know. He didn't like the sadness. Didn't know what had caused it. But he knew that he wanted it to go away.

Her hands found his chest and moved slowly up to his shoulders.

Her pause lingered as her eyes fell on any part of him but his face.

"Ariel has green eyes."

It came out of nowhere, maybe a place from her drunken haze. Killian had to think about that. Her eyes weren't blue. Or brown. Hazel, no. So…

"Yes, Ariel's eyes are green."

Emma looked up at him then.

"Do you like that her eyes are green?" she asked him softly.

Such an odd…

"Because my eyes are green, too."

The shining jade orbs.

"I know, Emma."

"Do you?"

"Of course."

Her hands closed firmly over his shoulders.

"So? Do you like her green eyes, Killian?"

He shrugged from underneath her hands. "I like her eyes."

Her gaze narrowed down on his. "What about my eyes then? Do you like my eyes, Killian?"

Emma had gorgeous eyes. Those eyes, shrouded in an apparent sadness, were still beautiful now.

"I-"

"Because you never seemed to notice my eyes before," Emma continued in her soft and sad whisper. "You never seemed to notice anything about me. Not my eyes. Not my mouth. Not my body. You notice absolutely nothing about me. Why?"

It had come out of nowhere- this lie. Because he noticed her.

"Emma, you're drunk," he reminded her.

She tilted her head back.

"Why did you bring her?" she whispered, looking straight into his eyes. "Why did you want me to meet her, Killian?"

She was all over the place with her thoughts, and he didn't know if he was following her correctly.

"I wanted to know what you would think of her, Emma. I wanted you to like her."

"You don't even like her," she told him with a deep frown creasing her forehead. "Not like that. And you shouldn't. She's a mouse! A little mouse who is not worthy of you."

Killian smiled at that. Both hands came to rest at her waist.

"I heard that tequila has a way of making you crazy, not honest." He squeezed there. "But it's serving as some sort of truth serum for you tonight." He sighed as he peered confusedly into her face. "You don't like Ariel."

"I like you!" Emma's hands closed over his and she held on tight.

It was the way she had said it. She was drunk… and she was saying things… and they didn't make sense.

"You don't know her, Emma." Killian licked at his lips, nerves leaving him feeling a chill. "I see you and Neal together. You're happy. I want that, too."

Her face turned into a scowl as her hands moved again. They were quick to find their spot back on his shoulders.

"You're an idiot, Killian Jones." And maybe this time there was a bit of fury behind those eyes. "Two years. I've loved you for two years."

"Emma, what…" Because he didn't know what she was saying. She couldn't be saying…

If Killian had done anything, it was tamper down any and all things related to looking at Emma as anything more than a friend and the girlfriend of his best friend.

"And that means nothing to you," she continued, the anger building. "Two years. Then you have the nerve to put some mouse in front of me and say that _she_ is the one you like. You look right through me on a nearly daily basis, and you don't see me."

But he did see her. Every day he saw her.

"Emma, you're drunk and you don't know what you're saying."

Her fingers moved up and towards the back of his head. He felt the way they sifted through the hair there, feeling achingly good, as she pressed her chest against his.

"I know what I'm saying." She was so close. "And if it means you'll for once in your life say that you notice me as a woman who is vital and beautiful and worthy of you, I'll say more."

She was drunk and he shouldn't…

"Emma." His hand moved from her waist so that he could caress her cheek. It was a soft cheek, warm and inviting him in.

Something was wrong. Either he really was here in this moment and drunker than he previously believed, or this was all a dream his subconscious had dreamed up. There was no alternative. There was no way that he was actually living this moment. There was no way that Emma was saying things that he had never before let him dream possible.

But that cheek felt real under his palm. Soft and smooth.

Her eyes closed instantly at the touch, and he could feel the tremble that ran across her whole body.

"Emma."

"I love you, Killian." Her eyes opened languidly. "I'm in love with you. And I have been in love with you, you _idiot_, for a very long time."

His eyes locked on hers. This was real, right? Every word out of her mouth had been spoken to him. Every touch had been more than just a touch, but a caress.

"Emma."

He didn't know who had moved first. He didn't know whose fingers entwined in the other's hair first, pulling them closer. He didn't know whose lips had reached for the other first, signaling this soft and gentle first kiss. He didn't know who moaned first in delight, but heard the intermingling of theirs together.

A kiss that began timidly soon turned into something more.

She was a vixen- a minx. Her hands came to capture his face on either side, pressing his head back. It was her tongue that invaded his mouth as she positioned herself on his lap so that most of her was pressing up against his chest.

Killian followed where she lead. It was a firm hand that grabbed at the back of her head, pulling her down to meet his mouth. Her deep moans and light tremble encouraged him.

She tasted of tequila, but she tasted of so much more. This was Emma. And that fact tore a low growl from him.

She was grinding her hip against him, driving him a bit mad at the feel. She was still sitting across his lap, and all he could think about was what it would be like to have her straddling him instead. Then maybe he could drive her crazy, too, at the feel of his immediate arousal.

_His arousal._

Killian's eyes sprang open as his thoughts brought reality back into the forefront.

_Shit._

He pushed Emma away from him, pushed her back.

Emma was hesitant to move, a moan escaping her throat as she moved back on the search for his mouth.

"Emma."

_Shit._

_Neal._

_What just happened?_

"Killian?" She finally opened her eyes and looked at him. "Do you love me, too?"

Shit! _What just happened?_

"Emma." The panic was setting in. "Emma, get up." He didn't wait for her to do it herself. Instead, he lifted her up off of him, standing her up in front of him.

She was drunk. She didn't know what she was saying. And he had kissed his best friend's girlfriend. He had made out with Emma, and had wanted to do more. He had been living out a dream that he had not let himself reach too far at.

Killian was quick to stand up.

"We have to get out of here," he told her.

"Are you going to take me home?" Her eyes looked hopeful as she came to drape her arms over him once again.

_This was Emma._

"I'm going to take you home," he agreed.

Killian was appreciative of her fluidity at the time. He took her hand in his- just her hand. His heart was still beating like mad.

He didn't look back at her, as he moved them through the bar to the exit. His head was still muddled with misund

erstandings. Looking at her would not help in the matter.

.

.

Pulling up to a red light, Killian took a skeptical glance over towards the passenger seat.

Emma had fallen asleep the moment he put her in her car. He was hopeful that she was just asleep and hadn't actually passed out due to all the tequila she had downed.

_Shit._

It was the thought that repeated like a mantra in his head.

She had said a lot in her drunken state. And he didn't know if he was supposed to take her at face value or believe that it was all a mistake.

Did Emma love him? She had said she was in love with him. _Had _been in love with him for quite some time.

_But what about Neal?_

Killian's foot hit the gas and he shot out into the darkened night.

_Neal and Emma had been together for over two years. _

_Neal was his best friend._

_He'd never betrayed his best friend in all the years that they had known each other._

_Emma, to his knowledge, had never been unfaithful to Neal._

_So how in the hell was this possible?_

Killian swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. He didn't know what to do now. He had no clue what the outcome could possibly be after…

He glanced back at the sleeping Emma.

He couldn't delve into his own feelings for her. He wasn't supposed to. But…

She had kissed him. Emma had grabbed him with all the force inside of her and kissed the hell out of him. Right there in that bar. She had sat on his lap, had told him that she not only loved him, but was in love with him And then she had set his whole body on fire with her mouth and her hands and her hips.

Emma thought that he didn't notice her? It was a full-time job in keeping those thoughts at bay. It was all he could do to acknowledge that she was a taken woman and just a friend. But he did it. Every single damned day.

Killian grabbed for his phone out of the console. Hesitantly, he pulled up Neal's number.

_Damn, he was nothing but a bastard for this._

The phone rang a total of three times.

"Yeah?" Neal's voice was groggy at best. "What?"

It was instant guilt that washed over him.

"Neal." Killian glanced back over at Emma. Her head was slumped onto her shoulder and she was completely out.

"Yeah?" He could hear Neal clearing his throat.

"Em… Ems got… a little drunk," he staggered out.

"Yeah?" There was a smile in his voice.

"Yeah. So… I'm on my way to drop her off." And he threw another quick look her way. "I'm going to drop her off. We're in her car. And I'll just catch a cab back to the bar."

"Um… yeah. Yeah, okay." There was a loud and long yawn from his end of the phone. "You're a good man, Killian. Thanks."

Killian heard the tiredness in his voice. He heard the ease in which Neal trusted him. Trusted him with his girlfriend enough to send her out late at night at bars with just the two of them. Trusted him with a key to their apartment. Trusted him wholeheartedly with everything that was his.

"We'll be there soon."

He disconnected the call almost immediately.

How in the hell had he let this happen?

Emma was…

And it was still an internal struggle. He couldn't do it. He couldn't let his mind leave what had happened between them just minutes prior change what reality was. Not even for a moment.

Emma had been drunk. She didn't…

Did she?

Had he missed something? Had his need to keep his own mind free and clear of elusive thoughts made him blind to the truth? That Emma had feelings for him?

But what about Neal? That would mean he was blind to it as well. If he had an inkling, then why would he let them get so close?

"God damn it, Emma."

.

.

She fit snuggly in his arms. Holding her tight against him, Killian pushed his key into the keyhole and turned.

From what Neal had said, he had expected him to be right in the living room. He would have been able to hand Emma off to him. Mentioning the activities of the night would not have come up. For one, Emma wasn't in any capacity to defend herself. And another thing was that Killian wasn't all too sure how to defend his own actions.

He had betrayed his best friend. He had tarnished their friendship. Killian also knew that by not coming clean, he was even more in the wrong. But he had made up his mind, finally, when they made it to the apartment: tonight was not the night to confront any of this.

All those thoughts were for nothing, because when he opened the door, he was greeted by only the soft light of the lamp that sat on the end table.

Nervousness still coursed through his body as he stepped inside. He felt Emma stir for a moment in his arms. Her head readjusted on his chest and her arms tightened around his neck.

It wasn't until Killian moved into the room that he finally saw Neal. He had attempted to be up and waiting for Emma to get home, but hadn't actually made it. He was laid out on the couch, facing away from them. Arms outstretched and falling onto the floor, he looked like he'd had a night himself.

Killian swallowed the new lump forming in his throat. Emma wasn't heavy, but it was the situation that was weighing him down.

He moved then, his steps light against the carpeted floor. He wouldn't disturb Neal. Maybe if he didn't see or talk to him, then it would be less like lying. He wasn't ready to lie to his friend just yet.

Holding Emma tightly against him, his steps led him to their bedroom.

Killian was more than relieved that she had slept through their trip back home. It made the situation a lot easier. For the night at least.

He laid her across the side of the bed that he knew was hers.

It was a quick mental flash that ran through his head. Laying Emma down in the bed and immediately following with his own. Her lips drawing his to hers like a magnet. An open-mouth kiss that was full of heat, just like earlier…

Killian mentally cursed himself for that thought. In all this time, he had never had such vivid ideas about Emma. The second she kissed him, it was like she had unlocked all those hidden desires. They were going to take a lot more will-power to stay deep down and not creep to the surface.

He watched as Emma turned on her side and how she snuggled up with her pillows.

She would wake up and tell him that it was the alcohol. She would wake up and say that she didn't know what came over her. She would laugh and say that Neal would get a kick out of it- after he punched him square in the jaw.

Killian's fingers rubbed the imaginary spot. He would let Neal take a swing at him. He would deserve it.

He looked at Emma once more, and…

_She bent his head back and fisted her fingers right at the nap of his neck. The hunger of that kiss had made him pull her head down to him, holding firm because he had not wanted her to go anywhere. The feel of her hip and bottom grinding against his middle. The need for more. Right there in the bar, surrounded by strangers._

He needed those thoughts to disappear. He needed to forget. And yet they wouldn't leave his damn head.

Killian's steps were quicker out of the bedroom and down the hallway. He had to get out of there. He couldn't continue to be around either one of them. Knowing that he was the only one who was currently affected by the scenario only made it more difficult.

The door shut quietly after him. He didn't look back. He wished that that would be enough and that all those thoughts and ideas would stay locked inside there. He wished to not be haunted by thoughts of Emma- because that's what thoughts were at the moment: hauntings of his mind and his heart.

Because Emma had said she loved him. She had said that she was in love with him. She hadn't mentioned the fact that she was in a relationship with his best friend. No. Instead, she had kissed him with passion and intensity.

And she had awakened something in him…

Damn. How could this go any way but horribly bad?


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: OK, so this chapter kind of flipped around on me. I had it planned for it to go one way, but while writing it went totally somewhere else...**

**Thanks for the continued support. It means so much to me!**

**.**

She woke up with a dull ache throbbing right at her temple. It wasn't too bad, but she figured she'd known where it had come from.

_What time is it?_

It was Saturday. Neal wasn't beside her like he normally would have been.

_He went in for some overtime._

Emma turned on her side towards her nightstand. Her phone wasn't sitting there like she had hoped. Instead, she did find a bottle of water and two aspirin sitting there seemingly waiting on her.

_Sweet._

Emma moved to sit up in the bed. It was just a moment before she stood up. She was only a bit surprised by the fact that she was still in her clothes from the other night. But only a little.

A thought dawned on her, and she patted down her pockets. She was correct. Her phone was there, and nearly dead. She also saw that it was pretty late. At least for her usual Saturday routine of her gym workout.

No text messages. No missed calls. She would have thought that Killian would have tried to contact her to make sure she was going to be on time or what was the holdup. Because she couldn't even recall how she had made it home. Had she drove? She doubted it somewhat because he wouldn't have let her go on her own.

Emma bit down on her lip as she began to move. She didn't have time to sit there and question things about last night.

She picked up the thoughtfully laid out aspirin and popped them in her mouth. It was the note that been underneath those pills that drew her attention. Before she could get to it, she opened the bottled water and took a sip, forcing down the medication.

_I heard that you had a pretty wild night. Think about staying in bed for a little while. Don't force yourself out just to go to the gym. I will see you later._

_I love you!_

The sweet note made her smile. She tossed it back down to the table and began to move quickly. She wasn't going to be able to do what Neal had suggested. She wasn't going to be able to stay in bed for a couple of extra hours. She had to get to the gym.

She expected the dull ache to be gone by the time she got out of the shower. It wasn't even that bad.

It made her curious though. The night was such a blur. Emma had gotten to the bar first. She had waited for the guys to get there. It was Killian who had shown up and had mentioned that Neal wasn't going to be able to make it because of work this morning.

She was going to have a night alone with Killian. It had excited her and saddened her at the same time. Her feelings had a way of running away from her those times they were alone together. But then he just had to remind her of… that woman…

Emma wasn't sure how much time he had spent with Ariel in that week since their double date. It couldn't have been much. But why had he needed to bring her up? What did he see in her?

She remembered tequila. She remembered lots of tequila. And she didn't remember much after that.

Well she didn't have time to contemplate what her night had been. If she wanted to make it to the gym- if she wanted to see Killian- she was going to have to get a move on. A quick shower was all she would have time for. And then she would see him.

.

.

When Killian didn't pick up when she called him the first time, she let it go. Being a good twenty minutes late, she herself could imagine him just beginning to get into his workout. But when she finally set her eyes on him, when she saw him reclined on the incline bench with the free weights, there was a bit of hesitation that was almost instant. She caught his attention with the reflection ftom the mirror in front of them.

Her smile was small as she watched him quietly.

She saw the slight stutter in his movement, the dumbbells hitching in midair before finishing the repetition.

Killian's quietness was a bit disconcerting. He had looked at her with slight surprise, his eyes widening just a fraction before he turned away from her.

Emma watched quietly as he finished the set of chest press. Although his silence was a bit confusing, she took the moment to appreciate his physique. The muscles of his triceps and biceps were working hard at pushing that weight over his chest. And, yeah, it was a bit entrancing…

Was she a distraction? Because as soon as she moved within viewing range, she saw the slowdown of his movements. Although he seemed to be making a conscious effort to actually not look her way.

Emma watched as he lowered the dumbbells and placed them on either side of him onto the floor.

"Good morning," she offered when he didn't seem motivated to do so. She moved to stand in front of him.

"Morning."

There was a wariness there. A vagueness that hinted to... something. Emma wasn't sure.

"I… didn't… think." Killian paused so that he could wet his bottom lip with his tongue. "I didn't expect you to…to come this morning."

It made her turn her head and search that face of his.

"Oh." Her fingers went to touch at her left temple. "I woke up with only a small headache." She gave him a tiny smile. "Neal set out some medicine for me. I feel much better now."

"Neal?" At that one word, Killian moved from the bench.

"Yeah." She watched as he moved to replace the dumbbells onto their rack. "Before he left for work, he laid some stuff out for me. But..." She waited until he turned to look at her. "Of course I came." She shrugged. "Neal bailed. I wouldn't leave you to it alone. So-"

"Ems."

His calling her out was a bit surprising. She looked up into those cautious eyes and waited.

Why was he so fidgety? Why was he looking at her as if the most important thing he could do was protect himself from her by keeping track of every single one of her movements? Why was he so damned apprehensive and stressed out?

"What?" she asked with a shake of her head, now fed up with his quietness.

"Ah." His gaze fell to some point on the floor in front of him. "It's… nothing. Nothing."

But apparently it was something. Something he had thought twice on about sharing.

What was it?

"Killian?" His actions were making her apprehensive and unsure.

He looked back at her, his eyes blinking over and over. "Nothing… Emma."

She didn't want to leave it at that. She wanted to know what has caused the awkwardness. She wanted to know what was wrong. Because she couldn't place that look. In the two years that she had known him, this was not something common for him.

What could have happened this morning to shake him up? Because he had been fine last night. He had entertained her need to unwind. And he had been… fine. So…

"Did you want… to start on the treadmill?" Killian asked her softly, finally meeting her eyes with his.

Emma took a tentative step towards him. He didn't back down, although he looked like maybe he wanted to.

"If I'm not throwing your workout off by being late," she said to him.

"No." And it was like he was consuming everything about her in that look he was giving her. "No, it's fine."

"Then," Emma smiled up at him, hoping to have it returned, "it sounds like a plan."

He didn't smile back, but gave a stiff nod.

Emma didn't like it. She didn't like the uncharacteristic aloofness about him. And he wasn't sharing. That wasn't like him either.

She would get it out of him. It was her new mission for the day. Because, as she watched as he led the way to the treadmills, it was clear to her that he needed to get something off of his chest.

.

.

He was clearly distracted. His distraction was only causing _her _to be distracted. Yes, the headache had completely subsided. She felt fine. But it was Killian's mood that had set her on edge.

She couldn't shake the feeling that it had something to do with her. What that could possibly be was beyond her though.

Emma was used to the music streaming from both of their earbuds which kept conversation at a minimum when they were on the treadmills. This was something different. It wasn't just his need to stay in complete focus without any side conversation. This was avoidance. Clear and cut dry avoidance.

It made her wonder if it had something to do with the night before. Try as she might, there was a haziness beyond the early stages of their evening. She remembered him meeting her at the bar. She remembered feeling a bit sad about his bringing up Ariel when it seemed as if they were going to have a night to themselves. She remembered feeling a bit… yeah, it was that jealousy thing again. Had she… offended him somehow? Emma couldn't remember anything beyond taking tequila shots to an open table. The start of many many tequila shots… But she had needed something to relax her. She just wanted an easy, fun, and free night. With him.

And now…

Killian was pushing himself. Hard. Why was she even there? What was the point when he kept her at arms' length or blatantly ignored her?

She waited until his set was over. She waited until he moved away from one more machine and tried to outstep her.

Maybe she should…

"Killian?"

He only threw her a brief glance as he tried to make his way to another machine.

"I'm going to try my hand at the elliptical for a little bit and then I'm going to get out of here." _Since you don't seem to care either way_.

He didn't even look at her. His attention instead on a spot on the floor.

"Ok." The mutter was thin and monotonous.

It was close to pissing her off. But she wasn't sure how in the mood she was for him to keep being so off-putting with her.

She was slow to turn, her head shaking with confusion.

"Emma, wait." She hadn't made it two steps.

When she turned back to look at him, she heard the string of muttered curses leaving his mouth. What was wrong with him this morning?

"What?" she asked, hoping he had the mindset to finally tell her what he had been thinking.

Killian looked up at her with wary eyes. His teeth scraped over his lip over and over again. But he stood there otherwise silent.

Emma took a step closer. What had him so on edge?

"Say-"

"Do you really not have an inkling, Emma?" he cut in before she could even start. And it looked like that fact pained him. "Do you _truly _have no memory as to what happened last night?"

_Then it was about her…_

Emma's steps were slow, careful, as she moved towards him. Something was eating him up, and it was about her.

When she stood directly in front of him, she saw a mixture of emotions. Did he want to turn tail and run? Maybe just a little bit. And that scared her. There was also something else there that she couldn't read.

"I drank a lot," she reminded him.

That earned her a small laugh as his eyes moved skyward. Another mutter of something she couldn't make out. And then he finally looked back at her.

A bit of apprehension was creeping through her

"What happened last night?" she asked in a whisper. She moved even closer. While she waited for him to answer her, her mind went on its own search.

First round of tequila shots. She was having fun. It was just the two of them. She'd had a bit of sadness over the fact that he'd brought up Ariel. Had she said something to hurt his feelings over that mouse?

_Mouse? _It sounded familiar to her.

"Did I say something?" she asked him, looking straight into his eyes.

Killian licked at his lips as he watched her. He took one more step closer, bringing their bodies within inches of one another.

"Emma." His tongue swept once again over his lip.

There was something intimate about the way they now stood. She didn't have time to be thinking about that fact, but she couldn't deny it.

Had she been this close to him last night?

_Killian wouldn't come to the dance floor. He'd used the excuse of being dead tired. Emma had not pouted. If he wouldn't come to her then she would go to him._

His hand was slow to wrap around her arm, his eyes a bit sad and wondrous.

"What happened last night," he asked quietly, "was because you were drunk? It didn't mean anything?"

Her heart was now pounding. Her breathing had become deep and heavy.

"Tell me what I said, Killian, and then I can answer your question."

It was right there in front of her, but she dared not think it through. Had she said…

The memory was hazy.

_Falling down into his lap. She liked the feel of his body under hers. She liked the feel of his shoulders and chest, she had noted to herself. So she moved her hands back and forth over him._

"You said…"

Emma felt like the memory was on the brink of coming back to her. That part of her had tensed up as she waited for him to speak.

"You said…"

Maybe he was dreading it the same way she was. Maybe it was inevitable- something that had to be spoken- but that didn't mean it wasn't difficult.

"You said that you loved me."

_You're an idiot, Killian Jones. Two years. I've loved you for two years._

His fingers tightened on her arm just a fraction more.

"You said that you were in love with me, Emma."

_I'm in love with you. And I have been in love with you, you _idiot,_ for a very long time._

The memories were still fuzzy. They were only coming back in bits and pieces. But it was true. Private thoughts she'd had for years had come out in the light because of a drunken night. And it looked as if it had scared the hell out of him.

Emma swallowed hard. He was staring at her, but Emma was trying very hard to fill in the missing pieces.

"Emma."

"You kissed me," she reminded him softly, her chin lifting in the air as the memory dawned on her.

Killian's eyes blinked again and again.

"You kissed me."

"You kissed me back."

His hand fell away from hers and he took a step back.

The blur was trying to clear itself. She wanted to remember. Wanted to remember everything about that night.

"Did you mean it?"

She noticed how labored her breathing had become. She noticed the way he was looking at her. He had stepped back, but the glare was intense and it was strained.

"Did you want me to mean it?" she asked breathlessly.

What was happening? There was so much intensity in his gaze. Her own eyes haunted his. She needed to know. Why was this his reaction? Why hadn't he pulled her aside earlier and said how wrong it had been? Instead…

Emma listened to the string of curses come from his mouth. Maybe…

"No," he finally answered.

It didn't hurt. It could have. But she knew him. Maybe not as well as she thought she had.

"I meant it," she whispered. "I didn't mean to tell you, but I meant the words."

Emma wanted him to take her in his arms. She wanted him to kiss her even more breathless than she already was. It was unfair. She had bits and pieces of the memory of kissing him, but not the memory of how it felt. God, she just wanted to know.

This was crazy! Crazy because it was real.

Killian's silence ended as he took another step back.

"God dammit, Emma." His hand went to cover his mouth. He turned slightly away from her, his shoulders hunching over. "You weren't supposed to…" He was shaking his head.

She took in a deep breath as she watched his back. His reaction? What did it mean?

Killian looked at her from over his shoulder.

"Neal?"

And reality was thrown right back at her. Neal. Killian's best friend. Emma's boyfriend. It was a reality that she had been aware of the whole time. A reason why she had never acted.

"I love Neal," Emma confirmed.

"So?" Killian turned back towards her. His face was contorted into some kind of pain.

Her eyes darted as she tried to read him. What was real and what was the façade?

Her answer was honest, and the only one she had.

"It hasn't changed the truth. It hasn't stopped my feelings for you."

"This…" Killian stopped to take in a deep breath. "This isn't right, Emma."

_The consummate good guy. _But he had kissed her back. She knew that. Couldn't recall most of it, but she knew.

"Then why did you do it, Killian?" Emma took a step closer. "Why did you kiss me back?"

"Because," he said with a sigh, "I was in the wrong, too."

She thought she'd seem something that she'd never seen before within him. It was more than just the opposition of what they'd done in a drunken and passionate moment. It was something that she had never believed to be true.

_Did he…_

It made Emma inwardly smile. It made her heart beat faster. There was an excitement that she'd never felt before.

"I'm sorry I put you in this predicament, Killian," she told him. "What I didn't mean to do was for you to find out that way."

It should have been Emma who was eaten up with regret and sorrow. She should have felt guiltier about kissing her boyfriend's best friend. Instead, it had _excited _her to know that maybe- just maybe- there was a part of him that wanted her, too. Before now, it had never seemed possible.

"Emma, I…"

She didn't know what he would say. Didn't know how he wanted to handle this.

"We should just forget this," he finally said.

His solution seemed impossible to her. He had pressed her into the memory, and then said that they should forget it.

Emma understood. She had told him that she loved him, and she had also told him that she still loved Neal. She loved them both.

"And Neal," he continued, his voice becoming gravelly, "doesn't have to know. _If _you don't want to tell him."

He had come here this morning with a resolute decision, Emma mused. Where her head swam with the truth, his mind was set on fixing everything.

Where she knew her feelings should have settled because of the seriousness of the situation, his knowing was more of a catalyst to set things right. But Neal… She wasn't ready for that. Not when Killian felt that the subject was more or less taken care of.

"No, we don't have to tell Neal," she agreed.

His nod was jerky, his eyes once again blinking.

She wanted to kiss him. It was her first thought. So what did that say about her? It said that she wished that his reaction would have been different. That he would have put her first instead of Neal. But she understood. Neal equaled best friend. She equaled best friend's girlfriend.

"Okay. Good." He began to move then, as if putting this behind them.

Not so easily done.

"Killian?"

And he stopped right where he stood.

"It was true," she told him. And it was firm. No room for misinterpretation. "Every single thing that I said was true."

Absolutely no room for misinterpretation.

"And I won't tell Neal."

She knew that it was for her benefit, but it wasn't the response that she wanted.

There was a bit of fear for the first time. If their friendship suffered from her drunken confession… then what?

Looking at him now, seeing the indecision crossing his face, she knew it was something she was not ready for.

It wasn't fair. She knew that he had been hit with a bombshell, but there had to be more.

"Killian?"

His face was a picture of indecisiveness. "Emma."

"I need you to be honest with me," she told him softly. "You kissed me back. You look as shook up as you possibly could. I understand it was a shock. I know that you want to protect Neal. But none of that tells me how you feel about what I said to you last night." Emma paused. Because there was a part of her which thought that it wasn't just hopefulness, but an actual grain of truth in there.

"How… do you feel… Killian? About me?"

'Emma." He paused to turn completely around to face her. "It doesn't matter because you are with Neal."

"And yet I love you," she noted softly.

She saw the squirm. In that squirm, she also saw a truth that couldn't be denied.

"Neal doesn't deserve any of this, Emma," Killian reminded her. "So we chalk it up to one drunk night. And we forget it." With that, he pulled back away from her.

Emma couldn't help the inward smile and the lightness of her heart. He wanted it to be over, but she knew. It was anything but over.


	7. Chapter 7

"Umm… fair warning, Emma."

She looked up from her lunch and her seat at the table to watch Ruby Lucas stride into the lounge room, her eyes a bit wide.

"Mr. Laraby is…" She stopped to cough back a laugh. "Full on this afternoon."

Ah, one of Emma's favorite octogenarians!

"I swear if he grabs at my butt just one more time…" Ruby's smile grew. "So just watch out for him." Her trek across the room lead her straight to the refrigerator.

Emma only gave a light shrug as she watched her friend. "I will keep that in mind. _But _he seems to have a real thing for the dark-haired dark-eyed ladies. Which puts me pretty much in the clear."

"Well, lucky you," Ruby teased. "God, I don't know if I'll ever get used to it." With her lunch bag dangling from her fingers, she made her way back to the table.

"Mr. Laraby is a sweet guy," Emma reminded her.

"When he isn't being creepy grabby guy," Ruby corrected

If Ruby sounded as if she was a bit fed up with her job, Emma knew that it wasn't true. She had been with this facility even longer than Emma had. And she also knew that having the attention of their patients wasn't the worst thing about this job by far.

"Well it's lunch time, and I'm going to enjoy it," Ruby said as she went through her back. She looked up suddenly. "Speaking of, I was wondering if you guys wanted to get together. I mean, it's been a minute." She smiled. "We could do dinner."

"Like a double date?" Emma asked skeptically.

It conjured up thoughts of her last night out with a couple. It had not gone all that well. Watching Killian warm up to Ariel as they sat across from her and Neal. The jealousy that coursed through her during the entire night…

What didn't help was the fact that Killian was now avoiding her at all cost. It had been more than a week since she had seen him last. More than a week since that day at the gym.

The way that they had left it had been with him completely on board with acting as if that night at the bar had never happened. But it wasn't as simple as that. Not when she saw something more than just regret and guilt in his eyes.

The kiss had come back to her. It wasn't just her. He had kissed her back. And it had been lust-filled and passionate. And…

She wanted more. Kissing him had only deepened her need.

"We could corner our men, Emma," Ruby told her with a conspiratory smile, pulling Emma from her thoughts.

She raised an eyebrow at Ruby's statement.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning… I've been waiting on Victor to pop the question for months now," she confided to her friend. She shook her head as she opened her bag. "And still nothing. Three years, Emma? If he doesn't go down on one knee soon, then it's going to be Armageddon."

It made Emma laugh. "Who knew you had the wedding bug so bad?" She arched an eyebrow in skepticism. "But what does that have to do with me and Neal?"

"Maybe you guys have hinted around at the idea of marriage yourself?" Ruby asked lightly. "Or maybe _you_ have had the idea? The point is, I need the sound of wedding bells to be ringing in the air. And I need Victor to hear them."

_Hm, marriage. It had never been at the forefront of her mind. And now…_

"I don't think Neal and I would be a winning example of a couple on the horizon of marriage," she murmured softly.

Ruby looked pointedly at her. "Two years and _nothing_?"

_When she loved another man?_

Emma shook her head. "Don't look for that invitation any time soon. Or ever."

It seemed to surprise her friend. "But…"

"Maybe I'm just not the marrying type."

Ruby's smile was easy. "I find that to be hard to believe." Her gazed narrowed on hers. "So… seriously… you guys have never even considered marriage before?"

Emma's phone began to vibrate from inside of her pocket.

"No," she answered simply. Pulling out the phone and seeing Neal on the screen only forced a sigh from her mouth. "And now that you've spoken him up, would you like to have confirmation?"

Ruby shook her head. "No thanks. Who knows? His answer might just surprise you."

"Oh, please." Her eyes fluttered closed briefly at the thought of Neal asking her… to _marry _him.

"Oh please what?"

His voice was thick and deep and so familiar. She remembered how, at one point, she had loved to hear it right there in her ear. It sent a bit of an ache to her heart to not feel that way anymore. She attributed it to many things. Some of which she knew she was supposed to put behind her.

Emma shook her head to herself. "Nothing. Hello, Neal. What is it?"

"I'm glad I caught you while you're on lunch break," Neal told her. "I wanted to let you know that Killian had to cancel on us tonight."

That one sentence had almost depleted her. She wasn't surprised by the fact. She had even expected as much. So she really only wondered what excuse he would have given to Neal.

"Why? Why did he cancel this time?"

"His whole schedule has been changed around," Neal explained. "Apparently he has some extra work that is keeping him busy."

"Did you see him?" She wondered if she had asked too quickly. No, she didn't…

"Not today. I only talked to him over the phone."

Hm. Killian was still talking to Neal, but had completely ignored her since the last day she'd seen him. How was _that _acting as if nothing had happened? It was surprising that Neal hadn't noticed himself. But she guessed it was better that way.

"Well if his schedule has changed, then there's nothing else to say."

She didn't like the way Ruby glared at her. Her gaze had left lunch so that she could watch Emma.

"I'll see you when you get home tonight," Emma murmured into the phone.

"I may be late," Neal said warily. "I may be able to stay over an extra hour or so. But I will see you tonight, Emma."

"That's fine. I'll see you at home."

Ending the call, Emma moved to put the phone back into her pocket.

She didn't know how long things were going to go like this. She understood Killian's need for space to get used to what had happened, but it had already been a week. It only made her wonder where his head was at. He hadn't been upfront about how he felt about her that last day. So what did that all mean?

"Who cancelled on you?"

Ruby's question brought her attention back to her.

"Killian."

Her eyes brightened instantly at the name. "Oh, it's been far too long since I've seen him."

"At least it feels that way," Emma murmured softly. And she didn't like it.

"Is he still single as ever?" Ruby smiled coyly. "Because maybe going the jealousy route with Victor would work. And it would be fun, too."

"He's… dating." If she had to categorize it as that. Not because she wanted to.

"And taking all his free time away from you?" Ruby shrugged. "I only ask because you don't look too happy about it. I know you guys are really close."

They _had _been really close. Had she messed up everything by sharing her drunken confession?

Based on this past week, it seemed to be the case.

But no. There was a part of Emma that couldn't be sorry about Killian knowing the truth. There was a part of her that knew telling him was the right thing to do.

"What is it, Emma?" Ruby asked her. "Your mind just went somewhere."

Emma shrugged. "I was just thinking of how things have changed."

"Well I can't picture him straying too far for too long. He always seems to drift right back to you guys."

Emma was unsure by that. "What does that supposed to mean?"

Ruby shook her head. "Killian hasn't been serious with a girl since I've known him. He seems content with how things are- don't ask me why. He's Neal's best friend, but he also picks up the slack for him as well. When Neal isn't around to take you out or just hang out, it is always Killian who steps in. _Always. _I don't know if it's intentional on Neal's part- or even Killian's. But he's like the fill-in boyfriend." Ruby paused to give another coy smile. "A fill-in boyfriend without the perks. But he always seemed good with it. If he left you high and dry for his own full-time girlfriend, then I'll be completely blown away."

Emma could only stare across the table at her friend as Ruby casually went back to her lunch.

"I never thought about it that way," she said softly. But she could see how Ruby had.

Killian was a big part of her life. He had been soon after she had met him. She leaned on him for friendship and so much more. Over time, it had been so easy to count on him when Neal had failed where time was concerned. He filled that role greatly. Over time, it was a debate on who she had wanted to be with on those certain occasions. And, more times than it should have been, it was Killian who she wanted.

"And… there you go again."

Emma's gaze fell back to Ruby. She saw the question written across her face.

"I never thought about it that way."

Ruby shrugged at her. "Do you think he's going to get serious with some random girl?"

_A random girl?_

"No, I don't think so."

_Not some random girl. Because…_

She wanted it to be her.

Emma wanted to… wrap her hands around his neck and _strangle _him! Literally _strangle _him! She got it. She truly understood why he was ignoring her, but that didn't stop it from driving her crazy.

Killian's phone went straight to voicemail. She shook her head as she decided to text him instead.

She knew that he was at home. She had seen his car in his parking space in the lot. So it was the simple fact that he was avoiding her.

It was her conversation with Ruby that had made her need to confront their situation again. Killian was a part of her life. She wasn't ready to give up on him. It had been more than a week. Time apart and avoidance was not going to fix their issue. She had come clean about her feelings for him. She had not had the chance to go in-depth about them because… Well for many reasons.

Emma had gotten the sense that maybe there had been something there for him as well. Why else would he have reacted the way he had? Why would he need to put so much space between them?

She had never believed it to be possible before. But now? Now it was the only thing on her mind.

Her knock on his door had had a sense of urgency to it. If he ignored her now…

If he acted as if she meant nothing to him…

The door swung open with the smallest of creeks. On the other side of that threshold stood the man who she had not set eyes on in a very long time.

For just a moment, they stood there eyeing each other. If he had known it was her, would he have opened the door? The way he nibbled at his bottom lip made her think otherwise.

"Emma." The mutter of her name left his mouth quietly.

She looked past him and over his shoulder.

"Are you going to invite me in?" she asked lightly.

Emma saw the indecisiveness all over his face. There was a brief shake of his head before he stepped aside.

"What… what are you… doing here, Emma?"

She stepped inside the apartment slowly. Her heart- she could feel it- was beating strongly in her chest. She turned around so that she could face him.

Killian had closed the door behind him and had leaned against it. His eyes were travelling across every inch of her. But it was with a wariness.

"You've been avoiding me," Emma reminded him. "I just called you. No answer. I texted you. Still no answer."

His smile was small, and it didn't reach his eyes.

"You know the deal, Emma."

Her head tilted to the side. "That you can't handle this?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "That's… not fair, Emma."

He wasn't even looking at her. He had closed his eyes. He had let her into his home, but it had been with reservation. It had been a drunken confession, but it had been nothing but true. And yet, the way he reacted to her made her feel as if she had been right all along.

This part did hurt. It hurt to think that her heart could not give its all to Neal because a part of it was solely Killian's. But it didn't matter to him. He would rather ignore her than face the truth. He would rather close his eyes instead of accepting it.

"Is this us now, Killian?" And it was broken. Her heart ached as she looked at him.

He opened one eye- just one- so that he could see her.

"You don't-"

"Because I know you talk to Neal," she cut in. "I know you still see Neal- even though your schedule has all but totally switched around. Which means you've stopped coming over to the apartment and you make plans to hang out, but eventually cancel."

His other eye opened then.

"What do you expect me to do, Emma?" His voice was raspy, deep. It was full of emotion.

"You said that you wanted to act as if this never happened," she reminded him. "I told you that I loved you. And your response to that was to act as if it never happened. All for the sake of Neal."

"All for the sake of Neal," Killian muttered, his eyes closing for just a brief moment. He pushed himself off of the door. "I need a drink."

"Isn't that how this all started?" Emma asked, watching him make his way towards her.

He stopped in his tracks immediately. His gaze, which had been trained on his destination out of the entranceway, rested on hers.

"You're right." His hand swiped over his mouth and he slowly shook his head again. "Goddammit, Emma. What are you doing here?"

It was full of frustration. It was full of despair. The way he looked at her. It was as if there was a need to consume her.

"It's been more than a week," she answered firmly. Her stance was just as strong as her words as she stared back at him. "And I refuse to let you continue to ignore me the way you have been."

His chin tilted upwards slowly, his gaze never leaving hers.

"What do you suggest then, Emma?" He shrugged tightly, his fingers curling into fists at his side. "I'm… trying my _damnedest _here, Emma, to do the right thing."

Her eyes widened as she watched him. "What is the right thing?"

He moved then, his eyes wild as he stood right in front of her.

The energy was electric, bouncing off of him and onto her. She felt it as it ran all throughout her body.

"The right thing to do is to forget what happened, Emma," he cried out to her. "The right thing to do is to forget that you said it. How… how can you… not see that, Emma?"

He was close. There was a nervous tension washing off of him in waves. But it was also Killian. Standing right in front of him, she didn't mind that he was wild with disbelief. It was still Killian. It was still the man who she had secretly loved for so long.

"Why is _that_ the right thing?"

His scent was invading her, making her need to have more of him all the stronger.

His hand dragged over his face. "Are you serious?" He turned his back on her, his murmurs kept to himself.

"You wish I would have never said anything."

"It would have been a hell of a lot simpler if you hadn't."

"Killian." Her hand closed over his arm and she waited for him to swing back around to face her. "I didn't do this consciously, Killian. I didn't set out to tell you how I felt about you so that I could hurt Neal- or you. It was all the factors that lead up to it. The fact that I look at you and see a handsome, good-hearted, incredible man who is my friend. A man that I am not only extremely attracted to, but who makes my heart beat out of my chest because he simply smiled at me. It was the fact that there was never a day that you looked at me as anything other than a friend. And not even the beautiful and attractive friend. You ignored the fact that I am all woman."

"Is that-"

"It's the fact that you presented that woman to me as if I was supposed to be happy that you chose _her!_ It's the fact that all this was in my mind when I was alone with you and drunk! I was sad. You made me sad that you never even noticed _me!"_

"I never noticed you?" His blue eyes were piercing into her eyes. His hands came to outline her face, almost touching but refusing to do so. "I never noticed you, Emma? Is that what you honestly believe?"

It made her swallow. It made her question her thoughts.

He was closer now. So very close. But he could be closer still…

"You wanted to challenge that fact?" she whispered up at him.

"Damn right, I do!" And he did move closer, his body finally making contact with her.

Emma felt the tingle run through her body at that touch.

"I saw you, Emma." Those eyes were burning on her now. Truth was a powerful fuel energizing him in that moment. "I saw you every damned day. Since the day Neal brought you home, I knew how lucky he was to have met you. You're beautiful, smart, and vivacious. You have a tongue on you that refuses to take crap about anything. You tease me. You taunt me. You push me."

She felt his fingers as they pushed through her hair and took a firm hold to a handful of it right then.

"If I let you, you'd drive me crazy," he continued as his eyes roamed over her. "Unfortunately, since the moment you told me that you love me, that is _exactly _what you have been doing."

It was everything that she wanted to hear and everything she thought she would never hear. Emma's hands ran across his waist until she held on just there, tugging him all the closer.

"Do you mean that?" She was in awe. She saw the heat in his eyes. She could feel it radiating off of him.

"I mean it, Emma." It tore out of him as if the words were actually causing him pain.

"Kiss-"

She had barely opened her mouth before his was falling down over her.

The instant feel of his tongue invading her mouth made her knees grow weak. That hand tightened in her hair and he angled her mouth just perfectly for him to kiss.

It had taken Emma by surprise. She felt the shudders pulsating through her body as he slowed down the wild kiss. Her arms encircled his neck, bringing him all the closer to her.

Maybe it had been fear that had drove him at first, making him messy and eager. She had liked the way he had commanded control over her. But she liked this, too.

Killian's lips opened slowly over hers, coaxing her with a bit of his tongue to come out and do the same. And she loved it. She had happily accepted his invitation.

His arm came to grip her by the waist tightly, pulling her even closer. She could feel him. She could feel all of him.

_God, he was kissing her! And she was kissing him back!_

"Killian." She wanted more…

He pulled back, and she heard the groan.

Emma pulled him back to her, finding his lips with hers again in a soft peck.

It didn't last. He pulled back away from him.

"What?" she whispered. "What?" _Don't._

He was slow to shake his head. For a moment, his gaze was trapped on the ceiling before looking back at her.

"Neal." Another painful realization. "We shouldn't-"

"No, no!" Emma pulled at his arm, bringing his close again. "Please don't bring up Neal."

"This is wrong!" The torment was all too clear.

"Don't think about Neal." He was going to shut down on her again. "Put me first. Think about me. Touch me. Kiss me."

"Emma."

She let him slide out of her arms.

"You love him. You're with him."

"Not the way that I love you. If I knew- if you would have opened your mouth, you idiot- then I wouldn't have been with Neal."

Killian watched her in surprise. His lips turned up in a smile.

"So it's my fault, huh?"

Emma moved then, grateful for just a moment of levity.

"It's all your fault," she whispered. Her eyes closed at the feel of his arms wrapping around her. "I love you, Killian."

She could feel the brush of his lips against the top of her head.

"Heaven help us," he muttered. "Neal… doesn't deserve this."

Emma wanted to hear him say it back to her. She wanted to know that this was more than just a questionable judgment call on both of their parts. She wanted it to mean something.

"Well maybe we do."

Killian pressed a kiss on the top of her head.

"You see why I stayed away, Emma? Do you understand? That once you said it, you opened a box that I couldn't close? How am I supposed to stay away from you now?"

She looked up at him. "You don't."

And it really was a hell of a situation. But it was the one she wanted to be in if it was the only road to her happiness. With him.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Oh, guys! I totally agree with you! That's why this was supposed to be a one-shot. Now, I'm trying perform this delicate dance between Emma and Killian's feelings while still being morally cognizant of what's right and wrong. Have no fear! I have faith that I can handle it. So enjoy this baby bit, and I should have more in another short frame of time...**

**.**

"Am I supposed to hold it like this?"

Emma's question sounded innocent enough. The way she looked up at him with big wondering green eyes looked innocent as well. It was the awkward way she held the bar in her hands- wrist loose and hands turned outward- that suggested her innocence was a ploy.

Killian only spared her the smallest of smiles.

"No, not like that."

Her frown was slight as she looked back at the bar.

"Then come show me how to hold it correctly."

Killian's eyes went on a search for Neal. He was only two machines away from them. It was one of those rare occasions where he seemed focused and intent on his workout.

"Killian?"

He looked back at her as he slowly made his way towards her.

He was sure she knew what was on his mind. Emma was trying to play coy. She was trying to get his mind off of his guilt. But asking him to lean up into her back and shadow the correct motions of how to do the exercise wasn't exactly the best idea.

"Like this, Emma," he murmured close to her ear.

Her hair was up in a topknot, but a few strands had slipped away as they always did when she was in the process of a good workout. He was so close to her, his arms shadowing her own until he touched her.

Soft and glistening skin. He mentally shook his head, stopping any thoughts from what else other than a gym workout could leave her in the same predicament.

"Like this?"

He also ignored- to the best of his abilities- the feel of her bottom pressed closely against him.

Killian adjusted the angle of her wrists slowly and carefully.

"Just like this, love."

And he ignored the way her body seemed to quiver at his words.

"Okay," she whispered. "I got it."

He met her eyes in the mirror in front of them as he stepped away. They were dark and held a mystery, those green eyes. Killian stepped back, moving away from her.

He watched for just a moment as she raised the bar to her chest slowly. There was a fair amount of what that she was lifting. She was strong. Her strength was one of her greatest attributes. He loved watching her.

But he turned to look back at Neal.

_Damn._

It could have been worse. The betrayal could have been a lot greater than it was. But the fact that Killian had feelings for Neal's girlfriend- and she returned those feelings- didn't bode well for him. They had been friends for nearly a decade. Neither one of them had known Emma for more than a quarter of that time. And yet he had let his feelings for her get the better of him. It hadn't been a "to hell with it"moment, but it might as well had been.

They were in the wrong. _He _was in the wrong. But…

Killian turned his attention back to Emma.

Like he had told her: she had opened Pandora's Box, and that box was filled with his feelings for her that had come flooding out. He loved her. The circumstances were not ideal, but… he loved her.

"Killian?"

He watched with surprise as he lowered the bar down to the floor in front of her feet.

"You cut that short," he pointed out to her. "You'll have to make that up."

She turned around to face him.

"I just need a minute." And she was walking back towards him, closing the small gap that was between them.

Killian's eyes swept over to Neal's quickly. It was only for a second, his conscience getting the better of him.

"I want to tell him."

He turned back to see Emma staring plainly at him. Her face held little expression as her eyes locked on his.

"You want to tell Neal?" His eyes narrowed on her. "Are… you sure?"

There would be a hell of a lot of consequences for all of them if she told him. They would both lose Neal. There was almost no doubt about it.

Ten years… It made his heart constrict, that painful thought.

"I'm sure." Emma moved closer to him until their bodies were mere inches from each other. It was then that het voiced lowered.

"I know this has been a difficult week on you. It's been difficult for me, too. Being home with him. Acting as if everything is still the same. When it's not."

She was too close. Too close for him to not want to hold in his arms. Killian couldn't do that. Not here. Not with Neal right there.

"Emma," he whispered achingly. "You're too close."

It made her smile. It was a teasing smile. And it just wasn't fair.

"Oh, my consummate good guy," she said in a sing-song voice, her eyes lighting up. "And you're _never _going to do more than _kiss_ _me_ until everything comes out in the open anyway."

Was she right? Well, it was probably one of his goals: do not cause Neal any extra pain that could be considered avoidable. Because loving Emma was unavoidable.

Emma didn't move away. She stayed right there, her glistening eyes gazing up at him.

"There's something that you don't seem to get, Killian," she whispered.

It made him nervous. The strength behind that gaze and those firm words.

"And what is that, Emma?" And he waited, not hoping or wishing too hard for something right to come out of her mouth.

"I don't need a romance on the side. I don't want the stable and mock happy home with Neal and then the sneaky and adventurous affair with you on the side. I. Want. You. Killian." She nodded vigorously. "I'd leave Neal. For you."

His hand was quick and sudden as it wrapped around her wrist. His eyes slanted over to his friend.

"You don't mean that."

"I do," Emma pleaded. "Why don't you believe me?"

He looked back at her. He found sadness and a hurt found in her eyes as she watched him.

"I…" Killian's eyes closed and he took in a deep breath.

"Do you want me to stay with Neal?" she asked, a hint of confusion in her voice. "When you know that I love you?"

"Two years is a long time, Emma," he reminded her. "Do you really want to give that up… for me?"

"I love you, Killian."

"You love Neal."

Emma frowned deeply, her eyebrows knitting together fiercely.

"Is that going to be your response every time I tell you that I love you?"

_I love you, Emma._

"No," Killian muttered softly.

A soft expression appeared on her face. And maybe she knew the words that he had yet to vocalize to her already. Maybe she knew that he loved her so much that it hurt to even think about.

She took a step away from him, her smile a permanent fixture of her face.

"Don't you want to do more than kiss me, Killian?" she asked him quietly and oh so very innocently.

_Her naked skin laying against his cool bed sheets and caressing his own skin._

"Yes, Emma." A bit strangled, but there was never a truer answer to a question.

"Is that even a possibility when I'm still with Neal, you damned Boy Scout?" There was a hint of annoyance in that question.

_Neal doesn't deserve this._

"No, Emma."

She looked up at him with more sadness. "Then I need to tell him, Killian. To end things."

Killian gave a stiff nod. "I know."

There was a silent moment shared between them. Things were going to change. All because of pent up feelings and emotions. If- when- she told Neal, nothing would ever be the same.

"I'm sorry… about your friendship," Emma told him softly as she moved away from him.

"I'm sorry, too." _But you're worth it._

Maybe he should have said the words. Maybe it would have been good for Emma to hear.

But… he didn't. Not yet.

She offered him a smile just before she turned around. She had walked back to the bar and was going to begin her workout again.

Killian watched her in awe. Why wasn't it more difficult for her? Why was it so easy to say she'd leave Neal? Why, when it bothered him so deeply, did it not affect her?

He turned to look at Neal then.

Their friendship was almost over, he knew that. And it was all his fault.

Neal would never understand. He would only see it as a backstabbing. And for all intents and purposes… it was a backstabbing.

Killian's fingers came up to swipe over his chin, lost in deep thought and anguish. Everything that was happening- everything that Emma doing and everything that he was doing- was bundled up in a convoluted and messy situation. But…

He turned to look at her. He watched as she set lifted that bar with a stark concentration and watched as she did so perfectly…

It was messy, but it was worth it.

"So are we ever going to see Ariel again, Killian?" Neal raised an eyebrow at him. "Or are you going to tell me that Emma ran her off?"

It made him uncomfortable. There was a sudden heaviness that lay in his chest at that question.

"I…" Killian looked over at Neal. "Things didn't get that far." He fell down on the bench while throwing his towel over his head.

The locker room seemed to be stifling, but it was probably just him. He hadn't been alone with Neal since before Emma had come to his apartment. Before things had changed between them.

The thought of that first kissed loomed in his mind. Her fingers tightened at his waist and creeping up. Her lips soft and mouth completely pliable. The way she moved closer to him…

"Well at least tell me it wasn't Emma who messed this up for you."

Killian smiled to himself. If Neal had only known.

"Emma referring to Ariel as a mouse had nothing to do with it."

He heard Neal's chuckle from under his towel.

"I didn't know about that nickname."

A strong hand fell over the top of Killian's head, and it shook.

"I'm sure she wasn't a mouse. Ariel was just a sweet girl. But maybe even a little too sweet for you. Emma's probably right about that one."

The feel of Neal's hand over his head brought thoughts of an impending punch. He would punch the hell out of Killian. And Killian would let it happen. He would probably even let him get in a few good punches. He saw a black eye in his future. And a busted lip. Maybe a bruised cheek.

He pressed his towel hard over his face. They had never come to physical blows. Their friendship had been solid the entire time. And although Killian knew he was stronger and more powerful than his best friend, he knew that he wouldn't lay a finger on him when the time came. He would take it like the man he was.

"Hey."

Killian felt the give of the bench as Neal sat down beside him.

"Yeah?"

"You've been around her lately. Have you noticed any changes?"

He frowned under his towel. "Ariel?"

"Ariel?" He heard the frown in his voice. "Emma, of course."

What was he about to ask him? Killian didn't know, but there was a sudden quickening of his heart.

"I don't know what it is," Neal muttered, sounding distant. "She's just been…I don't know… a little strange lately. Have you noticed?"

Killian pulled the towel away from his face. The look on Neal's face was innocent and free of any knowledge of the truth

"I…"

He didn't have an answer. It was one thing to lie by omission. It weighed on his heart heavily. But it was something else altogether different to outright lie.

"It's probably just my imagination, huh?" Neal stood up. "I feel kind of bad, you know? I work a lot." He shrugged easily enough. "Emma works a lot, too, but I put in all those extra hours. Sometimes I wonder if it's too much." A sudden grin lit up his face. "I just wonder if it's been bothering her more lately."

"I…"

She said that she was going to tell him. Here was Neal in front of him, wondering what the change was in Emma and if it was his fault. And there was Killian, as silent as ever on the subject.

"Well, thanks for the input, man," he said. The sarcasm was dripping.

"Sorry." Killian looked up at him warily.

Emma wanted to tell him, but he still didn't get the feeling that she was as torn by the whole damned situation as he was. He had kissed her. He had ran his fingers through that mass of blonde hair, and it had felt better than he had even imagined. Her mouth was always giving, her kisses leaving him with no doubt about how she felt about him. It left no doubt about how she had wanted more than just those kisses.

There was very little exploration of new skin. He never let his fingers travel pass over an imaginary line that he had set for himself.

He wished that Emma had a more defined line. He wished that she didn't feel the need to tease him and test those boundaries with little experiments of how he'd react. Because it only made him want her more. It only made him want to live out those suppressed dreams and desires…

She said she was going to tell Neal.

"Listen, man." A firm clap on his shoulder. "It's Saturday and I have the day off. I'm ready to get out of here. Emma should be almost done herself. So I'm going to head out of here."

Neal was going to go home with Emma. Because, just as it had been for two years, that's how things were: Emma and Neal. Neal and Emma.

And if Emma came clean with him, then that would be over. Just like a lot of things.

"Okay." The towel was draped back over his head.

A hell of a situation. One that refuse to leave his mind for longer than just a moment.

"Killian?"

He heard the worry and confusion in Neal's voice.

Killian shot up from his seat. If Neal had asked him _anything _right now, he wouldn't know how to react. It made him wonder if Emma ever worried about them being alone. He wondered if it ever crossed her mind that it could have been him who felt the need to come clean.

It was a possibility. The guilt was becoming overbearing. But… no. No, Killian wouldn't confess his indiscretions in that way.

"I have to jump in the shower before I leave," he murmured, moving away from Neal. "I'll see you later. We'll catch up later."

"Alright."

He didn't look back, but heard as Neal grabbed his bag and began to leave.

His hand went to stroke at his bearded chin, becoming completely caught up in his head. It was his thoughts. They were running him ragged.

He had begun something he didn't know how to control. He had let feelings cloud his judgment. He couldn't decide what was right and what was wrong. But, if he was right, then what he wanted was so wrong.

_Emma._

One way or another, she would be the death of him.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: The responses I'm getting our so awesome. Thank you all for you comments and compliments!:) **

**I think that there is some nice fluff here in this chapter, but I can't stop _thinking _about the angst that is soon on its way. As the author, I hope it's surprising and not foreseeable. I'm super excited!**

**.**

Emma liked it best when Killian left all their issues behind them. In the weeks that they'd shared their true feelings with one another, she only got the carefree version of him on the rarest of occasions. So when he slipped his fingers through hers and wrapped his other arm around her waist, she smiled happily up at him.

It felt as if she'd been waiting forever. Waiting for her work day to be over. Waiting for him to pull up in the parking lot. Waiting for him to sweep her off her feet.

"It's about time that you showed up."

"I got here as soon as I could."

It was the press of his lips to her neck that made her tremble in his arms. She grabbed on to his hand and squeezed tight.

It should have been taboo. It should have made her nervous, having him this close to her when anyone she worked with could have seen. Anyone could have walked out that door and seen the man who was not her known boyfriend but her known friend, hold her so intimately. But she wasn't nervous. She was excited!

"Did you miss me?" Emma bit down on her lip to keep from smiling too widely.

It was those eyes. Those damned blue eyes that sparkled down on her. She felt the tingle that was nothing but love run through her body.

"I missed you," Killian told her, grinning like a silly idiot.

"Good." Emma nodded. "I missed you, too."

Those arms tightened around her waist, dragging her all the closer to him.

"Well that's good to know."

Emma stared up at him. She was entirely secure in his arms- the way he held on tight to her felt so good. The smile on his beautiful pink lips was genuine and unintentionally breathtaking.

She wanted him. She wanted only him. She never thought he would return her feelings. And here he was, uninhibited about how he felt about her. Holding her and kissing her. And loving her.

"Are you in a rush?" Killian asked, gently swaying them side to side, his arms never loosening in their hold on her.

"I'm not in a rush," she told him. "I just missed you. I want to be able to spend as much time together- _just _the two of us- as possible. Neal's doing some overtime tonight for the first time in days. That means _we _have some overtime for the first time in days. And is a precious commodity that does _not _need to be squandered."

Maybe it was the wrong thing to say. At least in that moment. Emma felt the sudden and instant tension in his arms, and there was a slight darkening of his eyes.

He was more sensitive to the situation than she was. It did make her question herself. Why didn't she feel guiltier about being with Killian than she did? Why didn't she feel more remorseful when she left work and spent her free hours with Killian and only thought of Neal as the time constraint that kept it from being any longer? Why did her dreams consist of a happy ending with Killian and not Neal? Why was it that she now fell away from Neal's touch because it wasn't Killian's?

That was her life now. And she wanted more. Not just these few hours stolen away. She wanted it all. The hugs. The kisses. The embraces. The words. She wanted it all.

"Don't do it, Killian." Emma's hands took hold of either side of his face. "Don't."

"Don't what?" And he was moving then, out of their hold on each other.

"You know what."

"I'm not doing anything," he told her. He reached for her fingers with his own as he began to walk away.

Emma held on tight, not even wanting the momentary breach of contact.

"Just don't."

Killian wasn't looking at her. He was leading her back to where he had parked his car.

"If we have a couple of extra hours at our disposal, what is it that you want to do tonight?" he asked instead.

Her answer was an intense tug from somewhere deep inside of her.

They had always done the normal things. If anyone that they knew had seen them while they were together, then they wouldn't have been any wiser to notice the change that had occurred between them. It was a bit more flirtatious. A bit more hands-on. But they had always been close.

Nights had included late dinners or drinks. Sometimes they meant walks at the park or trips to nowhere. It had been only the rare occasions when they found themselves in an apartment. And more often than not, the apartment was his and not the one she shared with Neal.

"What if I said…" She quickened her steps so that she was next to him. "I just want to relax together? It's been a long day."

He was looking her over, his eyes darting across her face.

"I'd said… that it sounds great."

And it made her smile again. God, she did…

"I love you, Killian."

She knew she said it a lot. She said it practically every chance she got. But it was because it was true.

He planted his feet firmly to the ground, his fixed gaze on her.

Emma thought that just maybe this time- unlike all the other times- he would…

Killian wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closely against him.

He didn't say it. He wouldn't tell her. But she felt it. She felt it in the way his arms held her tightly, and the way he lips brushed against her neck as he buried his face right there.

Emma was slow to wrap her arms around his neck. She got it. She understood. But…

There was a lot to take care of. So she wouldn't let his refusal to tell her upset or hurt her. No. Because when the time was right- not only for him, but for them both- then he would say it. And it would mean the world to her.

.

.

"The best part- out of the entire day- was the basically the sheer panic looks that Ruby kept sliding my way." Emma pulled his comforter over both of them, bringing it up to her shoulder. "It's adorable, right? In a 'violation of privacy' kind of a way though."

"If sexual harassment is something you're in to, then sure. Adorable."

She wasn't sure if his smile was for the comment on Ruby's work adventures, or if it was for the feel of her skin against his from underneath the blanket.

Emma hadn't gotten used to his touch yet. It was still something new. The way his fingers splayed widely over the expanse of her thigh, the way he pulled her whole leg to lie comfortably between his, made concentrating a somewhat difficult challenge.

They were both completely clothed underneath that comforter. Sometimes her mind drifted off to what it would be like to not have those barriers. One day…

After…

"It's not that bad." Emma closed her eyes at the feel of his legs squeezing over hers. "If we can laugh about it, then how bad can it be?"

"If it was that bad then she would do something about it, yes."

His hand was on the move. Covering her back and pulling her even closer.

She opened her eyes to see him smiling at her. And it was instant: the change from casual conversation to this overwhelming need of… _something _more.

It didn't happen a lot, so when it _was _this easy she was going to enjoy it.

Naked would be so much better, she mused, moving her hand up to caress his hair-roughened cheek. But for now, this was okay, too. His jaw had actually become one of her new favorite spots on his body. She was sure that there were even more spots that she would love to get her hands on.

"What are you thinking, Ems?"

His nickname for her shouldn't have done anything to her heart, but it did.

"That sounds like something that I should be asking you, not the other way around," Emma teased.

"What is it, Ems?" That hand on her back became his arm, pulling her all the closer to him before he flipped them both. "Are you a little jealous that Ruby is getting so much attention from your patients and that no one is paying attention to you?"

His body underneath hers felt deliciously right…

"Um… I can see why you would think that," she agreed with a nod of her head. "But… no. I'm okay with the fact that some men prefer brunettes."

Killian's grin was infectious, making her smile down at him.

"Well I seem to prefer the one," he told her softly. His fingers caught a piece of blonde hair that fell over her shoulder and tugged gently. He lifted his head from his pillow, bringing his lips up to meet hers.

She loved his kissed. She loved the firmness of his against…

"Wait a second." Their mouths had almost come together before that thought came to mind. "Wait one second."

"What?" Killian looked confused by her sudden draw back.

"I am the _only _blonde I've ever seen you with," she told him with a slight frown. "You _do _prefer darker featured girls."

His smile came back just then, his eyes shimmering up at her. His hand found the back of her head and he pulled her down to take her lips with his.

It was a soft kiss. The pressure of Killian's hand on the back of her head had helped him control that kiss, holding her mouth prisoner to his.

And she loved it. Absolutely loved everything about it and him.

"You're pretty special," he murmured when he let her go. "And I prefer you over them all."

The tingle that was just for him shot through her entire body.

"Okay." And she saw it in his eyes. She wanted the words, but she couldn't deny that she both saw and felt it. "I believe you."

Her mouth met his again, kissing him achingly slow. His hands were in her hair. She could feel him- all of him. And he could feel her.

God, Emma didn't know how long that _this _was going to be enough. She wanted…

She heard the buzzing of her phone as it lay on the nightstand beside the bed. She also heard her own groan at the sound of it.

"See who it is."

She wanted to ignore the buzz _and _Killian's mutter. Who would dare interrupt here one-on-one time with him?

Emma only spared him a quick glance before she leaned over to grab the phone.

Looking at the screen and seeing Neal's text quickened her heart. Not for the obvious reasons of being unfaithful to her boyfriend of more than two years. No. It was because she didn't want the reminder. She didn't want Killian to get side-tracked and guilt-ridden in the way she knew he was prone to be.

"It's…"

She had been half atop him when he moved from underneath her, sliding to the other side of his bed.

"Neal."

It was as if something magical had been broken. Emma didn't have time to think about her sadness because the phone buzzed in her hand again. She read the text once. And then twice. And then for a third time. Her eyes darted from the words and to the time.

9:39

"What is it?"

Emma turned to look back at Killian to see him make his way to a sitting position. His glare was questioning and full of concern.

"Um… he's not… staying over," Emma told him softly. "He's getting off at his regular time."

"In a few minutes," Killian murmured.

"Yeah," she said with a nod. "Um…"

She didn't want to go. They were supposed to still have hours left together. Now, it was minutes. It wasn't that she had to be home when Neal got there. It wouldn't be out of character for her. She just couldn't be here. Doing this…

"Yeah."

They had both gone silent. After everything that they had just experience.

Emma watched as Killian stood up from the bed.

"Okay, let's get ready," he told her firmly. "I have to drive you back to work to get your car."

Emma nodded. She watched him for just a moment longer. The way his fingers combed through his hair, his head held down as he moved across the room.

She stood up, her movements slow.

"I'm ready."

He nodded. "Okay."

"To tell Neal," Emma clarified, knowing he hadn't understood her.

It caught his attention, his eyes flying up to hers.

"You said that before."

"And… I meant it," she assured him, her eyes growing wide. "I'm ready. If… you are."

She wanted him to be ready. It wasn't just her relationship she would be ending. It was their friendship.

"I need you to have an opinion about this, Killian," she said firmly and resolutely, leaving no room for misunderstanding.

"You… said it before, Emma," he reminded her softly. "And… are you… sure?" It was a deep frown that creased his forehead. "Are you _sure?_ Because it can't be taken back. Once he knows, he knows. If…" It was a frustrated sigh that escaped from between his lips. "If this is… just… some… some _thing, _Emma- something that is over in the matter of days or weeks- hurting Neal can't be undone."

"Days?" Had he actually said that? "A matter of weeks?" Her eyes slid up across to the bed. "Some _thing?"_

"Emma."

"That's not what this is to me, Killian!" And maybe she was a little upset by his poor choice of words. "Is that what this is for you? Some tryst with your best friend's girlfriend?"

"Emma, you know that's not true."

"I _know _that?" It sounded incredulous, her eyes growing wide as she looked at him. "_How _do I know that when you look scared to death to move forward?"

"You're making light of the situation if it doesn't scare the hell out of you, Ems!" And maybe he was getting upset, too.

Her gaze narrowed on his, the heaving of his chest and frantic eyes stared back at her.

"I _am _scared," he confessed. "I'm scared that I'm ruining everybody's life by being with you. Nothing is going to be the same. And if this doesn't go the way we want it to, then what?"

He was scared. Killian was scared of making the wrong decision and…

Emma swallowed the lump in her throat and moved quickly towards him on the other side of the room.

"Killian." She went into his opened arms, her own arms flying around his neck and holding on tight.

"I love you," she murmured into his neck. "I love you so damned much."

"I…" He chose not to finish his thought. Instead, his arms closed fiercely around her.

Yeah, she felt it…

"I'm going to tell him."

"Maybe I should."

Emma moved back a fraction to look at him.

"It's my admission to make. I kissed you. I told you." She bit down on her lip to keep her smile from spreading. "I seduced you, Killian. It wasn't the other way around."

His lips twitched into a smile and his arms tightened around her. "It didn't go exactly like that."

"Well," she said, giving a tiny shrug, "it was mostly like that."

Killian's mouth swooped over hers, kissing her quickly.

It was those moments that told her it was true.

"I want to do this," she murmured against his lips. "I want to leave Neal. For you. I want to be with you, Killian."

He nodded, his eyes locking on hers. "I want you, too."

She wanted more. And she was going to have it. But for tonight, that was enough. Because she knew him. She knew what he wanted. And it was her. It was them.

Emma closed her eyes as she laid her head on his shoulder. This was her future. She knew it was true.

"Soon."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: And the angst begins...**

**.**

Emma gave herself a good hard stare in the bathroom mirror. And she liked what she saw.

Killian liked her hair best when it was down. For someone who could have been thought to prefer darker features of the opposite sex, Emma found it amusing that he obviously had a thing for her blonde long locks. His fingers had a way of always slipping around a curl or two…

She hadn't realized before _them_ that he had bad been a leg man, but it had become obvious fairly early. His hand had a way of traveling the path up and down her leg. Sometimes it was slow- she liked when it was slow. It was those times when her she wished that he would just continue his path upwards. Why would he go any higher?

It the two years that she'd known him, she thought that he had been none the wiser of the woman behind the exterior. How quickly she had found out that that wasn't the case…

So Emma would wear her hair down tonight. She would wear one of best form-fitting dresses that showed off just enough leg that he seemed to enjoy. She would look beautiful for Killian tonight.

Not that it was any more special than the other nights they had spent together. It was just that things were moving rather smoothly. All except for that one small task of informing Neal…

It was at the top of her list. If only Emma could be one-hundred percent sure that Killian wouldn't turn tail and run at the prospect of having everything out in the open. She loved him. He knew that. He loved her. They both knew that. So honesty was the only thing that was going to make the situation better. _Not _ignoring the truth.

Emma heard her phone from the other room. The ring informed her that it was a call and not a text message.

She gave herself one more quick glance in the mirror before she left the bathroom to find it.

Was it Killian? Was he calling to check up on when she would be ready?

No, it wasn't Killian.

"What's up, Ruby?" she asked, answering the call immediately. It wasn't Killian, which made her wonder just how important this call actually was.

"You tore out of this place without giving me the chance to even say goodbye."

Emma smiled to herself at her friend's description. It was an exaggeration. Although Killian _had _been waiting on her…

"There was a lot I had to take care of, that's all," she said as she made her way across the bedroom.

"Yeah? I was wondering about that."

It was Ruby's tone, an accusatory sound Emma thought, which gave her pause.

"What?"

There was a moment of silence on her friend's end. And then she heard the slight huff. She could just imagine Ruby's face. Big brown eyes giving her a side-glance.

"Was that… _Killian _that I saw waiting in the parking lot for you? Is _he _the one who greeted you with this long and intimate-looking hug?"

Emma caught her own eyes in the dresser mirror. _Ruby had seen._

"Because I thought I saw you hop into the car and speed off together."

It was more than just her words. It was her tone. It was as if she questioned everything that she had seen. And it was as if she wanted more.

Emma laughed into the phone. "Why do you sound as if there is something more to what you saw?"

"Do I sound like a horrible friend?" Ruby asked. "Because maybe I do. I know you guys are really good friends. So maybe I feel a little bit horrible about even having the thought cross my mind."

"What thought is that?" Emma asked. She heard the thickness of her voice.

Standing there, all dressed up for _him, _Emma listened to one of her best friends try to put into words what was happening between herself and Killian.

She couldn't tell her. She couldn't come clean with Ruby when she hadn't even told Neal.

She heard the tsk from Ruby. There would have been an eye roll that accompanied that sound.

"I was thinking how, all of a sudden, you two are spending a hell of a lot more time together. Which is really saying something, Emma. And how this new routine of him picking you up just to drop you back off some hours later to pick up your car may actually mean something."

The silence inside the apartment seemed to be broken by something outside of the bedroom. Or was it her imagination, she wondered as her attention turned outside the door. Pulling the phone away from her ear she listened closer. And… nothing.

_Hm…_

"Ruby, _what _do you want me to say?" Because she couldn't say…

"If it was a one-time thing, or maybe even a couple of times, then I would get it," Ruby said wistfully. "But this has been going on for a couple of weeks now."

"So… even though you acknowledge the fact that Killian and I have always been close, it is now… what… _suspicious_ that we are spending more time together because you see him after work?" It should have been skeptical. Emma should have not only been putting doubt in her mind, but assuring her that she was wrong.

"Uh… yeah." Ruby huffed off a laugh. Emma guessed she had been unsuccessful in her attempt. "Unless you guys are being… secretive with a purpose. Like maybe planning some huge surprise for Neal and have decided to keep it hush. But I don't think that's what is happening here. Those hugs, like I said, look pretty intimate."

"Our hugs look _intimate, _Ruby?"

Maybe she let her guard down too much on those days after work. It _had _become their routine. Killian picking her up was logical in their minds. It had given them even more time to be together.

"You think that I'm the only one who thinks so?" Ruby asked her.

"What does that mean?"

"I'm not the only one who sees these things, Emma. There are windows." She laughed at that. "Everyone who wants to see gets to see."

"So are you saying that you, as my friend, think that I am sleeping with Killian?" Because she wasn't sleeping with Killian…

"Are you having an affair?" There was no more time to beat around the bush. The question sounded as if she were in disbelief, but also intrigued. Emma heard a smile in her voice.

"Ruby, I… can't… not now… I can't talk to you about this."

"Oh my God." The fun and games had left her tone. "Emma._ Emma? Are _you having an affair? With Killian?"

She hadn't expected the nervousness. She hadn't expected it to be something hard to admit.

"Ruby… I… I love Killian."

"What in the hell is going on?"

The words made the phone slip instantly from her fingers as she spun around, eyes wild and wide at the quiet and calm voice entering the bedroom.

He stood in the doorframe, eyeing her with a mixture of disbelief, mistrust, and anger.

"What the hell are you doing here?" It was the first thing that she asked. It was the wrong thing.

Things were going from bad to worse. And it was happening all of a sudden and all too quickly. She could roughly make out Ruby's voice from the phone on the floor. And it made Emma wonder how much of her side of the conversation Neal had been able to hear from the doorway.

His eyes narrowed on hers as he stood there, unmoving.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. Not overhearing a conversation. It was supposed to be her, sitting him down, being gentle but firm about what and how she felt. It wasn't supposed to be a surprise encounter on her end.

"I got off work early."

"You were supposed to be doing some overtime tonight."

Neal's eyes widened at that. He took a small step forward as he watched her.

"Is that why you're all dressed up, Emma?" The whisper was soft. His face scrunched in a way that showed nothing but pain and disbelief. "Were you going out tonight since I would be at work most of the night?" His shoulder lifted in a shrug. "You do look beautiful by the way."

It had all been for Killian. Was it just minutes ago that she was nearly floating at the thought of their night together?

"Neal," she whispered, watching him move all the closer to her. "What did you hear?" Because she needed to know what she was supposed to do.

She saw the wheels turning in his head. She saw the connections that he was putting together all on his own with the little that he had overheard.

"Were you planning to go out with Killian while I was at work?" She watched the clenching of his hands into fists at his side.

"Neal." She had nothing to combat the situation.

His face, as his eyes travel the length of her, looked ugly and disgusted,

"You're cheating on me? Killian? Are you… _cheating _on me… with Killian."

"Neal-"

"God dammit, Emma! Answer me!"

The fire in his eyes intimidated her. It wasn't supposed to be like this…

"_Answer me!" _The muted roar left his mouth the same time he crept towards her.

Emma didn't move. She felt the slack of her mouth growing wider as if she knew she was supposed to say something. But it was the anger that stop her.

And then it was the hurt. As her silence accompanied by only the shake of her head made him stop in his tracks. She watched as he stood stock still, his gaze locked on hers. And then she watched as his fingers fisted in his hair and he crumpled into a pile on the floor.

"Did you cheat on me with Killian, Emma?"

Her eyes blinked rapidly at the sound of his hoarse scream.

"I…"

It was seeing the sheer pain that did her in. She didn't want to admit it. Not like this. She didn't want to hurt him like this.

"It's not what you're thinking, Neal," she finally got out.

He didn't look up at her. His arms covered his head as he crouched down in front of her.

"I didn't _sleep _with Killian, Neal," she continued, her own voice hoarse with emotion.

He was slow to look up at her. The hurt was being obscured by the sheer madness in those eyes.

"I _heard _you, Emma. Are you really going to deny it? Are you going to _really stand there _and deny it?" He was slow to stand back up. There was a shakiness in his movements. But his eyes locked on hers. "You told Ruby… that…you love him. You fucking _love _Killian?"

He turned his head away from her, a growl thundering from his throat.

"Neal."

The lamp sitting on his dresser was pick up and snatched from the wall. The loud crash of glass was mingled with his roar. She watched as the shards of glass splattered and ran across the floor.

"Bitch."

Why hadn't she prepare herself for a volatile confrontation? Why hadn't this even crossed her mind?

Emma watched as he stalked back to the door. She watched as both hands grasped at that door and how he slammed it forcefully against the wall, the banging almost stinging her ears.

"Neal, wait." She scurried across the room so that she could catch up with him.

More banging on his way down the hall. Emma looked from him to the walls. At least one of those punches was surely going to go through the wall…

"Neal, wait."

He turned on her quickly, his eyes just as fierce.

"What did you do, Emma?" He was in her face this time, his heaving chest meeting hers. "What have you been doing, while I've been working… trying to _support us?" _Those fingers turned into fist again at the side of his face. "What have you been doing with _my best friend?"_

She felt her heart pounding out of her chest. It was the pain and the hurt that she had suddenly caused. It was the way he watched her with a fire blazing that made her hurt to.

Maybe she'd made the wrong choice. Maybe…

"And you stand there saying _nothing, Emma!" _Neal barked at her. "I trusted you! I trusted you with my best friend! And you _stand _there saying _nothing_ about what you have been doing!"

"I'm… I'm sorry, Neal."

His hands shot out to either side of him, slamming forcefully into the wall.

Emma took a step back, she moved away from the anger and the hurt.

"Say something else, Emma," he screamed at her.

"I… We didn't sleep together, Neal," she whispered, not quite meeting his eyes.

"Are you telling me you are _not _having an affair with Killian like Ruby said you were?"

It was an affair. They hadn't wanted it to be. They had wanted it to mean something more than just that. But now…

"No, that's not what I'm saying," He deserved to have her look into his eyes, so she did.

Neal's own gaze relaxed, taking a careful look at her demeanor.

"That fucking son of a bitch." The deep murmur was followed by a string of curses as he moved again. Neal stalked down the hall, disappearing into the living room.

_Damn. Killian. _This wasn't how this was supposed to come out. She hadn't warned him. And now Neal looked like he was on a rampage.

She heard the crash of what sounded like more fists to the walls. With a heavy sigh, she moved towards the living room herself.

Emma silently thanked whoever that the living room wasn't full of knickknacks. There wouldn't be a lot of things to break like the lamp in the bedroom.

"How long?" Neal swiftly turned around to face her once again. That turn brought him to pace back in her direction. "How long has this been going on? Did he come on to you? Tell me what he did, Emma."

He was trying to put it all on Killian…

"Killian… didn't do… anything," she told him with a firm shake of his head. "It wasn't Killian."

She saw the hard swallow that he took as he moved even closer to her.

"What are you-"

"It was me, Neal," she finally confessed. "Not Killian. I approached Killian."

It was raw pain that covered his face- that covered his entire self.

"Why would you?" His hand reached out towards her, falling just over her wrist. "Why would you _do _this, Emma?"

What answer did she have for him, as he held onto her as if she were his lifeline?

"Everything I did- everything that I do- is to make you happy," he told her, sounding truly perplexed at the thoughts running through his head. "I love you, Emma. Why would you do this?"

She took in a deep breath and held it for just a moment.

"It was about me. Not you."

"Killian?" It was achingly torn out of him. His best friend. "What was it?" His head shook emphatically as he watched her. "You say it was you, but apparently you weren't happy with me."

"It wasn't that, Neal," she whispered, stepping even closer to him. She was supposed to tell him that she loved Killian, but that's not what came out. "Neal, I do… love you."

The corners of his mouth turned up.

"That wasn't too difficult for you to admit, was it, Emma?" His hand fell from her wrist. "What in the hell is going on Emma? Really."

It wasn't so easy to be frank with him. Not the way she had always believed.

"We didn't sleep together, Neal," she said calmly, feeling anything but. "You have to believe me about that."

"But whatever you did it's something you consider as cheating?" he yelled at her, his eyes burning. "So why don't you stop trying to sugarcoat it and tell me what you did."

Her eyes darted over him. Everything he was experiencing was valid.

"I have feelings for Killian." It rushed out of her, even though she knew it pained him. "I've had feelings for Killian for a very long time now. I didn't know he felt the same way."

Neal's hands came up to hardly grip at his face. The expletives that left his mouth from underneath those hands were harsh and ugly.

"Like I said," Emma continued, wanting to get it out and over with, "we have not slept together. But I have to be honest with you, Neal. I do have feelings for Killian. And I can't help how I feel about him."

She hadn't expected the tears that sprung to his eyes. It only made her feel all the worse. Two years. Why didn't she realize how painful this was going to be before this moment?

"I trusted him with you," Neal mumbled from behind those hands. "You two were supposed to be friends- nothing more. I trusted you both. I trusted you two to be around each other. I never thought…"

"Then maybe that was the wrong thing to do," she whispered.

Neal's eyes narrowed on hers. "Are you honestly saying that I was in the wrong to believe in you? That it was because I _trusted _you that this happened?"

"I already said that it was my fault," Emma reminded him. "Mine. Not Killian's. Not yours. It was mine."

He shook his head again as he took a step back from her.

"I cannot believe you." He hung his head in his hands. She could see the tears as they fell from his face.

She would have rather dealt with the anger. Seeing the ache and the pain pouring out of him was almost too much for her.

"Neal." And it was breaking her heart. Two years. She had loved him in those two years. She had just fallen in love with someone else. Neal didn't deserve this.

"I'm sorry." It was a broken apology that hurt so much to make. Emma moved then quickly, moving closer to him. Her arms raised timidly, not knowing how he was going to receive her.

She was surprise when his arms wrapped around her in a tight hug. His quiet cry tugged at her own emotions, and she felt the tears brimming her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Emma held on to him tight. Everything she had done. He didn't deserve this. What she deserved was his anger, and yet he was holding her.

It was only a moment longer. The light cries became silent.

"I have to get out of here," Neal murmured thickly, pushing her away from him. "I can't do this right now. Not right now."

He was backing away from her, putting distance between them.

"Where are you going?"

"Are you worried I'd go after Killian, is that it?" Neal asked raspily.

It had been her initial thought…

"He's waiting on you, right?" His eyebrow shot up in wonder. "Was tonight going to be the night that you did it, Emma? Were you going to sleep with him while I stayed at work for some overtime?"

Her frown was deep. His words cut, even when she knew she had no right to feel that way.

"That's… not true."

"But fair to suggest, right?" Neal nodded his head at her. "Yeah, Emma. I'm done with this conversation with you."

He didn't say anything after that. He made a quick scan of the room as he walked passed her. He only stopped to scoop up his wallet and keys from where he'd left them on the couch.

"Neal." Because maybe she should try again…

His answer was a hard shake of his head. Nothing else.

And what else could Emma do about it? Her eyes blinked as she watched the door swing open and the shut loudly behind him.

_What just happened?_

_Killian._

She didn't trust the emotions and feelings that were coursing through Neal. His reaction had varied throughout. Would he…

Emma ran back towards the bedroom. It was where she had dropped the phone when Neal had surprised her. She had been talking to Ruby.

How long ago had that been? It felt like an eternity standing there. But it also felt as if everything had swooped down on her so fast and in a blink of an eye, without any warning at all.

The phone was where she remembered dropping it on the floor, face-up.

If Neal went to see Killian… She didn't know how prepared any of them were for that.

_Ruby?_

The seconds were still ticking away on the conversation.

"Why didn't you hang up?" she asked her.

"Emma? _Why _would I hang up? We were talking, then all of a sudden you were gone."

"Well… something came up," Emma told her slowly. "I need to make a phone call, Ruby."

"Oh my God, that was Neal that I heard, wasn't it?" Ruby asked excitedly. "Did he hear what you said about Killian? Is that were you were fighting about? Oh my God, Emma, are you okay?"

"Ruby, not now." Emma took in another deep and steadying breath. "I'll have to talk to you later."

"Are you sure? I can come over, Emma, if you want me to."

"No. No. Ruby, I really really have to get off the phone." She loved her friend, but she really didn't have time for the questions that she was asking.

"Okay. Just promise to call me back. There is a _lot _that we have to talk about."

"I'll… I'll talk to you later." Emma couldn't make promises like that. Her mind was somewhere else completely. "Bye, Ruby."

"Goodbye, Emma."

She had heard the reluctance in Ruby's voice. She knew that detaching herself from the situation was the last thing that she wanted to do. And it wasn't only because she wanted gossip. She was a true friend who had wanted to help.

But it was Neal and Killian who was occupying Emma's mind. For some eerie reason, she knew that his hurt and anger would lead him over to that apartment.

He was hurting enough as it was. She didn't want those emotions to influence what he'd do there.

Her hands were shaking, she noticed as she looked down at Killian's number.

It was all her fault. Everything was all of her fault. This was exactly what he had tried to warn her about. And now… now it was becoming out of her hands.

The phone rang and rang. If he didn't answer the phone.

"Hello."

It should have been a relief, but instead her head began to pick up speed again.

"Killian." It was shaky, and she felt her knees give out of her.

"Emma?"

She found herself on the floor, and pain creeping throughout her.

"Killian, he knows."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: This is a really sad story for me to write! Trying to balance the rights and wrongs of a relationship that came together under so unfortunate circumstances… Well, here's more angst for you!**

**.**

_Have you heard from him yet?_

_**No.**_

_I don't know where he could be. It's after midnight._

_**I don't know where he would have gone. If not here.**_

_I'm worried about him._

_**So am I.**_

_I'm on my way. Sitting here alone is killing me. _

_**Okay**__._

But _was _it okay? It had been midnight when she had begun texting him. It had been hours since she had first called him to break the news. And now... Killian was still waiting on either one of them to show up to his home.

The feeling was worse than he had even imagined. It was the brokenness that he had discovered in Emma's voice when she had called that first time. _He knows. _He didn't need any other explanation before his heart sunk in his chest, leaving a deep thud as it beat slowly.

It was even worse because of how Emma said he had found out. It shouldn't have surprised him. They were supposed to have been together that night. Emma would have been on her way soon after he had received her phone call. So it had not been the call saying that she was on her way, but instead the call that said that Neal knew. He had overheard a phone call she was having with Ruby. It hadn't been explicit, but it was just as easy to catch on to what the truth was.

Killian expected Neal to have presented himself to him by now. Although he wasn't looking forward to the confrontation, the fact that he had been missing for over two hours now only worried him all the more.

They had been friends for such a long time. Killian had royally screwed up. He was dealing with all of those fears and worries that he'd collected since Emma had told him she loved him at the bar that fateful night. Friends for more than a decade, and this is what it has ended over.

Never did he think for a moment that this didn't signify the end of a longstanding friendship. He knew it the moment he gave in to his feelings and to Emma that he was putting that all above his friendship with Neal. And now that it was reckoning day, it didn't make it any easier.

Killian moved quietly and restlessly through the apartment, Neal consuming his mind.

Where in the hell could he possibly be? It was a back and forth conversation with himself about going out and looking for him. But what stopped him was knowing Neal. He would come to him. He would want to have this out tonight.

It was then, while questioning that decision to just sit there and wait- and knowing that Emma was on her way as well- that he heard the commotion outside his door.

There was a rambling and some stumbling, feet hitting against the bottom of the door. It was followed by a soft banging of hands and possibly head to that door.

_Not Emma…_

Killian took in a deep breath as he moved slowly towards that front door. And then…

The doorknob, being grabbed on the other side, began to twist violently.

His lips pressed into a firm line as he tried to stop focusing on the heaviness of his heart.

He pulled his phone from his pocket as he moved. No messages. But he was quick to find Emma's name and shoot her a quick text.

_**He's here.**_

Killian heard the slide of the key go into the keyhole. It felt like a lifetime had passed before the knob turned slowly from the other side. The swing of the door was quiet and infinitely slow.

_Question answered: he's drunk._

He looked a bit disheveled, but he was on his feet which was a good thing.

Killian slipped the phone in his pocket, not waiting to hear back from Emma. Not when Neal turned his attention solely on him with a bit of a wry smile.

"Was that Emma?" he asked as that smile grew into a wicked grin. He didn't wait for a reply. Instead, walking straight into the apartment and closing the door behind him, he continued. "I… hope you don't mind." He held up his keychain by the single key that he'd opened the door with. "I used this. You know, the key you gave me in case of emergencies." He shrugged and his lip poked out as he watched him. "Like the key I gave you to _my _apartment for the same purposes."

Killian felt his eyes narrow on his friend. "Neal."

"It was a key to my apartment, but it didn't entitle to all the pretty things that you'd find inside," he said with a shake of his head.

Killian watched as he moved into the apartment. His eyes never left his.

This was Neal. He was trying to deflect some of the pain he was feeling by using sarcasm. But Killian saw the red-rimmed eyes. It wasn't all from alcohol, he knew.

"You deserve my apologies, Neal," he told him firmly. "I didn't want to hurt you. I _never _wanted to hurt you."

"Emma said that she loves you," Neal said quickly. "She said that _she _loves _you."_ His faced pinched and his eyes squinted over at Killian. "She said that she loves you. My _girlfriend _told _me _that she loves _you- _my best friend."

He was still making his way closer to him. The stammer in his steps had to be looked for, but Killian saw it.

He took in another deep breath and raised his chin just so.

"I didn't want this to happen like it did, Neal." He shook his head. "I never wanted to hurt you. But I also knew that it was inevitable."

"Was it Emma?" Neal asked, again quickly. "Did she come on to you and… try to seduce you, Killian? Because the more I thought about it the more I couldn't decide on which story seemed more likely: did Emma really come on to you like she said did, or was she trying to protect you when it was really you who had come on to her?"

"Does it matter who said what?" Killian asked with a frown.

Neal's eyes, guarded as ever, locked on his.

"I guess that answers my question. It was Emma." He gave a short nod. "Very chivalrous on your part, Killian. Offering to share the blame."

He was standing right in front of him now. Killian could feel the contact from the imaginary blow. Would it make Neal feel any better?

"I never thought I would see the day." Neal's voice was thick and raspy as he stared up at him. "That you would put a woman above our friendship. Especially when, in fact, she was mine and not yours. How in the hell could you do something like this, huh?" He shrugged and shook his head. "Are you telling me that _Emma _is more important to you than that of our friendship? Was it easy to forget the decade of our friendship _just _for the idea of sleeping with Emma?"

"It wasn't about that," Killian murmured, staring right back at him.

Neal's eyebrow's shot up instantly. "Oh, don't you _dare _tell me that you think that you are in love with her, too."

"Like I said, I didn't want to hurt you, Neal," he told him slowly. "Don't you think that I know how wrong this was? I tried not to react to how I felt about Emma. I tried. Don't you think there are reasons why things haven't went farther than they have already? We didn't sleep together. _Not _because the opportunity hasn't _arisen, _but because we didn't want to hurt you any more than we already had."

The anger was clear and present in every inch of him.

"You fucking son of a bitch."

Killian saw the punch coming, quick and hard. He didn't try to block it or get away from it. The right handed-punch landed square in his jaw. It was immediately followed by a left-handed punch to the other side of his face.

_God dammit. _Anger was a great adrenaline-inducer, he realized as those sound punches connected so thoroughly with his face.

"Damn." He felt the force knock him backwards. His steps propelled him to take a step away.

"_You son of a bitch!"_

This time, the slam of knuckles into his lips also brought contact of those lips to his teeth. The taste of blood was only brief, because the continuous smashing contact of fists to head, ribs, and abdomen made it difficult to concentrate on just the one aspect.

He should have defended himself, but it was the fact that _he _was the one who was ultimately in the wrong that stopped him. He had prepared himself for this reaction. And… _damn… _he could withstand the physical and verbal beating for as long as Neal could give it…

"Oh my God!"

_Emma? _

"Stop! Stop it right now."

The attack ceased all of a sudden. Killian didn't notice until then, as he opened them, that his eyes had been closed. He glance up to see that it _had _been Emma's voice that had broken the attack.

Her arms were wrapped around Neal waist from behind, pinning his arms down at his sides. The look of horror she shared between the two men was not surprising.

"Are you okay?" She was staring wide-eyed at him, fear evident on her face.

Killian stood up straight. His attention was drawn to the door, seeing that it had been flung wide open. He hadn't heard her come in, but was grateful that she was there.

Neal was still seething. He let Emma contain him, but there was still fury in those eyes. His chest was heaving as he did nothing but watch him.

"I'm fine," Killian murmured in answer to Emma. His fingers came up to cover his bloody and already bruising lips. "I'm fine."

Emma laid her head against Neal's back and she gave a stiff nod.

"Neal, are you okay?" she whispered. He watched how her eyes closed and how those arms seemed to tighten around him.

"I'm fine." His tone indicated something different as he watched Killian.

It should have looked right. It should have felt right. Emma holding onto Neal, protecting him from causing any further damage, was the natural thing. So why did it feel all wrong to him? Why was he craving her touch on him instead?

"This is not the time, Neal," Emma said. Did she hug him even tighter to herself? "You're not in any shape to be having this fight right now. And you're too upset."

He placed his arm over hers, but his gaze was on Killian.

"I may not have deserved _this, _but you sure as hell deserved _that."_

His busted lip seemed to throb even more at that particular moment, highlighting the truth behind those words.

"Neal, stop." Emma moved, coming from behind him to stand in front. Her hands ran along his arms, up and down, trying to soothe the pain. "You have every right to be bad, but you are… drunk. No matter how angry you are, fighting it out isn't going to make it any better. So we are leaving."

"We?"

Killian shared the unbelievable reaction with Neal. She wanted to leave with him? His gazed darted from one to the other.

Emma was moving all the closer to him.

"Yes." It was strong and determined. "We are leaving. Be angry with me. Be upset with me. Tell me that _I'm _the one you hate. But you're in no condition to be by yourself."

He stepped back, moved away from her.

"You didn't come here for me," he said as he took in the length of her. "You're him for him. Just like you have been for only God knows how long."

And she looked hurt. And Killian felt enraged. _Damn, the predicament before him._

"I came here for you," Emma told him. "Because I know you. I knew that you would find your way here eventually."

Neal shook his head, his eyes falling to some spot not quite on her.

"If you were here for me… Emma."

There was too much pain circulating the room. He was sure they all felt it…

"Let me take you home, Neal," she whispered.

He was slow to look back up at her. There was a pause as their gazes connected. And he was slow to nod, but it was a nod, so…

Emma blinked slowly, and she nodded her head. It was a fragile and precarious moment for them all.

Killian watched as they were both slow to move together back towards the door.

"Emma?" Her name fell from his bruise lips instantly, and he hadn't meant for it to. Was she seriously going to leave with him? It was as simple as that?

They both looked at him. Neal watched him with a tinge of anger and disbelief. Emma looked at him with some sort of wariness.

"Is this how we leave it?" Killian asked to no one in particular. "You come in here to punch my face in and then you walk out as if it is over?"

Neal's chin lifted in the air, watching him closely.

"I'm not done with you yet, old friend," he assured him. "Because I will get down to the bottom of this. If you two think that what you did is fine with me, it is not. But before I have my final say, you will tell me everything. Maybe… right now isn't the time. But I wasn't going to let a night go by before saying anything."

"Neal…"

"Let's go," he told her, cutting off any further conversation.

He wasn't like himself, Killian noted. That was understandable though. It was Emma who was a bit more confusing.

Killian watched as they made their way towards the door, Neal walking stiffly out and Emma behind him.

"Emma." This time it was a whisper.

She looked from Neal and then back to him.

"I have to leave with him, Killian."

A deep and heavy frown creased his forehead. "Why? Why do you have to leave with him?"

She tilted her head, looking at him as if she wanted nothing more in the world than to be able to read him.

"I have to try to fix this," she told him. "Maybe… maybe you were right, Killian. Maybe… I was… wrong."

He was quick to move towards her then, his heart beating fast for the first time during this.

"What does that supposed to mean?" The widening of her eyes made his own eyes widen in surprise. "Are you saying that you want to stay with him? You want… to end this?" Was she.,. "Are you serious, Emma?"

"I… screwed so many things up, Killian," she reminded him. She turned her attention outside that door where Neal had already walked off from. "If he can forgive me…"

"And what about me?"

She turned swiftly back to him.

"He's not going to forgive me for this, Emma," he told her. "But it's okay if he forgives you? You're okay with putting my friendship on the line and _me _being the complete loser in this- losing my friendship with him and losing this relationship with you? How is that right? How is that fair."

Her mouth opened slightly, her eyes falling over every part of him.

"That's not what I'm trying to do. I just want to _fix _this!"

"You're talking about leaving me," he countered, his heart now racing at just the thought. If he lost her… If he was left with nothing when that was his biggest fear… "If you leave then it means you're choosing him over me."

"Choosing-"

"It means that all this was nothing. That this meant… nothing to you."

"That's not true!" she said, pleading for an understanding. "Neal… we-"

"You told him the same thing that you told me," he cut in. "That you love me."

"I do!"

"I love you, Emma." It was fierce. It was true. It was easy enough to finally admit.

Emma's expression softened. There was a small smile on her face.

"Now?" And those eyes closed.

"I love you, Emma." Killian shook his head. He was close enough to grab at her arm. "So… don't… do this. Don't go with him. Stay… with me."

Her eyes opened then. There was a sheen of tears in those eyes.

"I can't… stay. I can't fix this if I stay. Neal…" She turned her attention back out into the hallway.

Neal had disappeared down the hall and out of view.

"Neal needs me right now, even if he doesn't want to admit it." She turned back to Killian then. "Let me try to fix this." And then she was pulling out of his reach, moving closer to where Neal had once stood and farther away from Killian. "I can do this."

She was choosing Neal over him. It was the way it was supposed to be. So why did it hurt so damned much? Why was it a bitter pill to swallow? Why did it leave him seething with a jealousy that he'd never felt before?

There was a definite sadness in her eyes as she continued her trek away from him. It didn't ease the pain or his disbelief of the situation. She was choosing Neal.

"I'm sorry… Killian." Emma was quick to turn away then, actually running down the hall and disappearing from sight.

It wasn't supposed to end like this. He wasn't supposed to have opened himself up to her in a way that left him vulnerable to being not only hurt and betrayed. Because no matter how much he understood his role in the wrong-doing, it didn't mean that it was any easier to accept his fate in being alone.

He'd essentially lost Neal in that night. He felt nothing but awful about it. But it was Emma that currently haunted his mind. The woman who had stolen his heart so long ago, and then gave hers to him so freely. It was Emma who he now mourned for.

_Damn._


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: My plea to you: don't hate Emma. She's been through a lot...**

**.**

"_I love you, Emma." _

_It was everything that she had thought she had wanted. And after hearing the words fall from his lips, she knew that it was the one thing that she had needed- those words from those lips as they were being declared to her. But…_

"_Now?" In this moment? In the middle of this huge mess that she had created? When blood dripped from his lip and bruises erupted from his face? Now?_

"_I love you, Emma." There was truth that rung from those words. Just the way she had always knew, even without the words. _

_Her thoughts tried to tear her into pieces. He'd finally given her what she needed, even amidst all of the trouble surrounding them. It was possible then that…_

_But… Neal…_

"_I can't… stay. I can't fix this if I stay." _

_Couldn't he see that? Couldn't he understand? It was her fault. It was all her fault. This whole scenario happened because of her. So she couldn't stay there and turn her back on Neal. She had to fix this, or they would always have this over their heads. She knew that Killian was hurting- physically and emotionally. But didn't he understand that Neal was hurting just as bad, if not worse, because the two people who were supposed to mean so much to him had turned their backs on him?_

_So she left. Because she had to. In this moment, it was Neal who needed her. Killian… just had to understand…_

_._

It was those same thoughts all night long. They replayed over and over in her mind as she slept restlessly. It was useless, trying to clear her mind of all the problems that had been created solely by her. Those thoughts, as well as the lumpy couch- how had she never noticed how uncomfortable this couch really was- made for a night of tossing and turning.

Emma tightened the blanket that had fell to her waist and brought it back over her shoulders. She didn't know what time it was, but it had to be too early to be get up.

Lying there, she sensed just how alone in the world she was right then. She didn't dare ask how this had all happened- how this had all fell down in complete shambles- because she already knew the answer to that. But her thoughts, now fully awake, turned to Killian. She wondered how he was doing while she lay there miserable as ever.

Did he understand? Having time to think about everything, could he see why she did what she knew she had to do?

Emma's eyes drew to the coffee table in front of her. He hadn't called. Hadn't texted. But neither had she. So what did that mean?

_Don't be angry with me…._

Yes, she was alone. And all she wanted was an ending to all these problems. All she wanted was to have the happiness that had been filling her life for that short period of time. With him.

_So he couldn't be angry…_

"You look like you had a hell of a night."

Emma didn't expect the deep and thick voice to cut through the silence of the living room from right above her head. Her fingers clutched at the sheet at the disturbance.

_Neal… Was she ready?_

She flipped over from her side and onto her back to see him hovering over the top of the couch. His face was grim, eyes turned down and his mouth a straight line.

How long had he been there, watching her? Certainly before the time she had awakened. She had not heard him enter the room. And for some reason, which should have been clear, she felt her heart pick up in pace in nervousness.

"I could say the same to you," Emma murmured. Nothing was clear. Every feeling, every thought, was unknown at the moment. It was a new day, but what thoughts and ideas and feelings did it bring with it? "I wouldn't have expected you to be up bright and early." She began to sit up then, slow and careful of each movement.

"You think it was a good night's rest in there, huh?" The sarcasm was dripping from his voice as his arms folded loosely over the top of the couch, but it was the only sign he had given either way.

Sitting up wasn't good enough, Emma noted, feeling the heaviness of her heart. She rose from her seat so that she could stand opposite of him on the other side of the couch.

Neal's eyes tracked hers, still silent as ever. Maybe he was regretting coming out here at all this early in the morning. Maybe he was having second thoughts on having round three with her right now.

Round three… Was she even ready for this right now?

When they had made it back to the apartment, there hadn't been a lot that was established at that time. Emma had been grateful- in some respects- that the trip had been silent. It meant that there was no more yelling at her. There was no more verbal accusations being slung her way. And when she was already in a poor emotional state- trying to make peace with her decision to leave Killian to go home with Neal- the verbal bashing had been close to crushing her soul. But, ultimately, it wasn't about what was easiest for her. It was about being what Neal needed. Even when he couldn't see that.

But, now, as his eyes drooped in a sadness while he watched her, it looked as if maybe it wasn't going to head towards that… just yet.

"How are you feeling?" Emma asked in a whisper. She watched him just as closely as he watched her.

Neal's head turned just a bit. "Still pissed."

_Hmm_.

"I meant health wise," she corrected for him. "No headache? Hangover? I don't know what-"

"I'm fine." Neal cut in. His hand rubbed across his face and he stood up tall. "I'm fine when it comes to that."

There was something eating at him, Emma could see that clearly. It only made her more nervous. She had always been able to read him. It wasn't so easy in this moment. Maybe it was because of her own issues and fears that were shadowing those abilities.

"So what is it then? What do you want?" And maybe it came out a little harsh. There may have been something building up in him right before her, but there was something building up inside of her as well.

"What do-"

"You came in here for a reason," Emma cut in. This was going to go the way she needed it to go. "You didn't have anything to say to me last night. Now that you've had time to digest everything, I'm guessing that has changed."

And fear began to creep up through her again. She wasn't sure if she was ready for the accusation. But she was wide awake now and ready to have this out in the open.

"I came in here because…" Neal took a step back from the couch, moving back and taking the full view of her in. "I wanted to see how you were."

It was in his eyes, a sense of remorse. But Emma wasn't sure if it was there just because she wanted it to be there.

"It wasn't a bad dream, you know," she whispered softly. "Everything that you think happened yesterday really did happen."

His smile was anything but genuine. "You think that I don't know that?"

"You hurt Killian." The memory of what she had walked in on came to Emma all of a sudden. Killian had done nothing but stand there and take the punches that Neal had doled out. And she knew the reason for it.

"I only paid him back for the hurt that he caused me," Neal said with a roll of his eyes.

"So you're proud of what you did?" The thought of that only hurt, causing a physical pain that ran deep through her body.

Neal's gaze found hers again, cold and hard.

"Are you proud of what _you _did?"

And the only thing that Emma could do was stare right back at him. She knew she deserved it. She wouldn't go so far as to say Killian deserved what happened to him, but the coldness of Neal's stare was warranted.

Emma swallowed the dryness of her throat as she blinked at him from across the couch.

"I'm not proud of how I handled the situation," she finally answered. "This was all because of me. It's my fault that Killian lost his best friend. It's my fault that you lost your best friend and your girlfriend."

There was a glint of something in those eyes now. Neal licked his lips and stumbled closer to her.

"You'd actually do that, wouldn't you, Emma?" It was dark and hinted to the sadness of the whole situation.

She didn't know exactly what he meant by that, so her eyes narrowed on his.

"You'd choose Killian. Over me. You'd actually want to be with him over me."

And her heart sped up even more than before.

"I _am _with Killian, Neal." It was soft. It was firm. It left no room for confusion. "And it's been that way for a while now." She shook her head slowly. "I made my choice a long time ago. But it's all my fault that I didn't come clean with you."

She watched as he stepped back, his head dipped down and his hands coming together to form a tight ball.

"You know what you are, Emma?" Neal shook his head then, but didn't look back at her.

"I can imagine," she said softly. _All her fault. _"I'm sorry, Neal. I didn't want… to hurt you. Nothing that I did was done carelessly or without thought."

His mocking laugh filled the air then, and he finally looked back at her.

"You're a…"

"I'm sure I'd deserve whatever is about to come out of your mouth, but please don't, Neal," Emma said quickly. There was a bit of queasiness taking over her at just the thought of the word he was so close to using.

"And I owe you to spare your thoughts and feelings?" His face scrunched up into question and disbelief.

"You don't owe me anything. I… just wish… that you could see it from my point of view."

"Why did you come back with me if you had already made your decision to be with him and not me?" Neal asked, quickly switching the topic.

Emma blinked at the change, her mind trying to follow his train of thought.

"You would have never have taken me back… after everything. So why are you reacting like this?"

"Are you sure?" And he was moving then, coming from behind the couch and towards her.

She didn't know what his intentions were. It made her nervous to try to define them at the moment.

"I'm sure."

He was close to her now, only some inches away. And it only made the nervousness grow. Could she have been wrong? _No…_

"Why'd you come back? With me?" he asked her again. This time, he was staring intently into her eyes, holding her gaze strong.

"I brought you home, Neal," she finally answered, "because it was the right thing to do. I wasn't going to let you wander around and end up God knows where. And if Killian had been thinking straight, then he would have known that that was the _only _thing to do."

He looked skeptical, his eyes finding the ceiling and holding there.

_Two years, and it had meant something._

Emma felt that deep-rooted hurt grow even stronger. It was there- raw as ever- that feeling of wrongdoing. And there was no way she could feel any worse in that moment.

"Neal… I know it isn't… easy…"

"Do you think that any of this is _easy_, Emma?" He still didn't look at her. "Do you think that letting you go and you being with … _Killian _is easy to do? You don't think that a part of me wants to be able to ignore everything that happened yesterday and just go back to the way it was?"

Emma watched him closely, not surprised, but a bit intrigued. She may not have wanted it to go exactly like that, but if he could not be upset with her? Yes, there was a part of her that wanted it desperately.

She took a small step back, increasing the amount of space between them.

"I loved you."

She guessed that sharing his sentiment wasn't the right thing to do in this situation.

"Everything I did was for us," Neal continued, moving closer to her once again. "Everything. I wanted to marry you, Emma. And this is what you do to not only me, but to us? You say you fell in love with my best friend? Well you know what that makes you, Emma? I mean, what's the point in not coming right out and saying it? You're a bitch, Emma. A total bitch. And I hope you get everything you deserve."

The words stung just as much as if he'd put his hands to her. She could do nothing but watch, in total dismay, as he turned his back on her and walked away. The metaphor was not lost on her as her squeezed in pain.

"I want you out of my apartment by the time I get off work tonight," he muttered on his way out of the living room. "I'll be picking up some overtime, if that helps any. I don't want any trace of you being here when I get back."

She guessed the pain could be increased, because that pain in her heart had grown at least tenfold.

It wasn't how Emma had wanted to end things with him, but the finality of his words were there. There was not going to be anything else she would be able to do to fix the situation.

As far as Neal was concerned, it was over. And, with the steady thrum of her heart, she knew it was something that she had to let go as well.

_I want you out…_

_I don't want any trace of you…_

It wasn't supposed to end like this. But, nevertheless, it was now over.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: So… this isn't the last chapter, but due to some major trepidation and all around bad feelings that this fic is causing for me, I do see the end in the next chapter or so. Yeah, the negativity is really getting to me.**

**Thanks to everyone for reading, liking, and commenting! I appreciate it more than you know.**

**.**

Emma listened as the phone rang, rang, and then rang again. She listened to how the phone went to voicemail. She listened to his voice, deep and smooth and easy as it prompted her to leave a message.

How many messages was she going to have to leave him before she heard from him? How many?

Killian hadn't answered her all day! He hadn't answered when she called from the apartment that morning, more than shook up by her conversation with Neal. He hadn't answered the call she made when she first got to work, needing the soothing words that only he would be able to give. And he wasn't answering her during her break, when her mind wouldn't let her rest from the tense day. He was avoiding her. He was upset and didn't want anything to do with her.

"Killian, call me back please," Emma whispered into the phone. "It's really really important that you call me back." She paused for a second, debating on if she should say more. But, no.

With a groan, she ended the call and dropped the phone to the counter in front of her.

"Hey."

The soft and cautious greeting made Emma turn swiftly around. She saw the timorous and precarious way Ruby made her way into the room. There was a look of real regret and worry painted across her face.

"Hey, Ruby."

She was quick in her movements then, crossing the room to make her way to Emma. Her arms were outstretched so that she could throw them around her shoulders.

The hug was firm, bordering on tight. And the feeling of being held had magical and healing powers. Emma felt the tears gathering in her eyes- could feel the sting. All day she had been strong. And now? Now those tears felt as if they would betray her and find their way to slip down her cheeks.

"I'm not even here today, and I am sorry for that," Emma sighed, holding her friend tight to her. She wouldn't cry- she couldn't cry.

"You don't have to apologize," Ruby assured her with a shake of her head. And that embrace became even tighter. "This all started because of me. I'm sorry, Emma."

Emma knew that Ruby did feel a bit of guilt about their phone call. But it wasn't her fault. The blame could be laid nowhere near her feet.

"It didn't start with you," Emma whispered. It was then that she let herself move out of Ruby's arms. She stepped back, bumping up against the counter. "It started with me. It's all my fault."

Ruby's big warm green eyes were as sad as ever as she watched her.

"Do you want to talk about it now?" she asked.

It was Ruby's approach. Last night over the phone, while Emma had been in the midst of having the rug pulled from under her, Ruby had been a gossipy friend who wanted the details of World War III. But the person in front of her was now the friend that she had needed: caring and cautious, worried and understanding. And besides the person in front of her, Emma felt like she was all alone. So…

"I've been trying to get in contact with Killian," she started slowly. "He isn't answering my calls or my texts."

It felt like forever since she'd seen him last. When she had ran away from him to go after Neal. When she wanted to make sure that Neal hadn't gotten into any more trouble than he had already put himself in. When she had chosen Neal over Killian…

She felt her breaths begin to come in hiccups. Those tears were back, filling her eyes and making her vision blurry.

"Emma, what happened?" Ruby asked with a shake of her head. "Did… Neal… did he go over there last night?"

Because Ruby didn't know any of the story beyond that of Neal finding out.

"He was beating on him when I got there." Emma swiped at the tears before they ran down her cheeks. But it had started. And once tears started…

"Killian beat up-"

"_Neal _was doing the beating," she cut in. The memory of hearing the Neal's shouts from the hallway burned in her memory. The foul language that fell from his mouth- he had never been that way before…. before she did this to him- had made her nervous. And when she had opened that door…

"Emma, I'm… sorry… but… how… how is that even possible?"

She understood, and if the circumstances had been different then maybe she would have laughed at that.

"Killian just stood there and took it."

There was a deep understanding in Ruby, Emma knew. Her hand reached out slowly for her, still cautious.

"Sharing in on the guilt," Ruby muttered.

_Taking ownership of too much of the guilt. It wasn't his fault. It was all hers. All hers._

"But… if you were all over there…" There was confusion marring Ruby's face as she watched her. "Then how can he not be talking to you? I'm assuming that the cops _weren't _called because your fears lie with Killian and not Neal. So… how can you _not _have talked to him?"

It made Emma's heart speed up. It made her, again, question every decision that she had made. Hadn't it been the right thing to do? Hadn't making sure that Neal was safe and sound the right decision? Even if there had been a part of her that had wanted so desperately to have his understanding and his forgiveness, there was even more of her that wanted to know that he was going to be okay after all the hurt that _she _had caused.

But Killian had nearly begged her to stay. He thought that she was choosing Neal over him. And that hadn't been the point. It was about taking ownership of the drama she had caused. It wasn't because she no longer wanted Killian. And that's the way he must have taken it.

He was avoiding her…

"I left with Neal to make sure he was okay." Emma took in a deep shuddered breath. Would Ruby understand? "Killian wanted me to stay, but… I didn't."

She stood there, watching her. Ruby's silence for those long seconds only made Emma wonder even more. Had she done the right thing? Everything in her had said yes, but…

"Oh." Another aching pause. "So… how is Neal doing?"

And it made Emma wanted to scream out in sheer desperation. Why was this her life?

"What, Emma?" Ruby asked, shaking her head.

Emma nodded and pushed herself into the counter from behind her.

"I'm over here fixated on Killian- needing him so _badly _to call me back- when I should be trying to find a way to move all of my belongings out of the apartment. _And _finding somewhere to sleep tonight."

"He put-"

"I deserve it."

"I'll… I'll have…" She shook her head, her eyes blinking as she thought. "Victor. I can have Victor pick up your things, Emma."

Emma watched, mesmerized and more than a bit in shock, as her friend pulled out her phone from her pocket.

"Ruby…" There was this emotional tug on her heart that made the tears all the more prevalent. "You don't…"

"Yeah, we do." Ruby looked up at her then. "You're wrong, Emma. He doesn't have the right to do this to you. You two have lived together for over a year now. He doesn't just throw you and your belongings out just because."

She blinked her eyes closed. "I wouldn't consider this as 'just because.'" She looked back at her, and there was such gratefulness in that look. "Thank you, Ruby."

Ruby only spare her a small smile. "And you always have a place with us, Emma. Always."

She didn't want this to be her day. She didn't want the breakdown and the tears, but she couldn't help the emotional overload due to the gratuity of her true friend.

Emma moved back into her arms, holding Ruby close. A lifeline. That's what she was right now. And it was so hard to let go.

Ruby held on tight, hugging her like she knew how much this meant to her.

"Hey, that cough is starting to sound awful."

Ruby's words confused her, and she moved back just a bit to look at her.

"What?"

She shrugged. "If you're coming down with something, Ems, then maybe you should take the rest of the day off."

"What are you…"

"I can take care of things here," Ruby told her softly. "I can rearrange some therapy sessions. I can see if… who comes in tonight- Donna. I can see if Donna can come in a little early." Her smile was smile. "Why don't you get out of here and take care of yourself? And I'll call you when Victor is on his way. Okay?"

Emma stared at her friend, completely in awe at that moment. She was amazing, her friend. And... she was being everything that she needed in that moment.

.

.

She wished that she had just pocketed the key from Neal's key ring before she left. It just hadn't a crossed her mind that Killian would have kept avoiding her all day long.

How had this become her life? How had she gone and lost… _everything _in a single night? Neal didn't want anything to do with her. He had forced her out of the home that had been theirs for an entire year. But that wasn't what hurt the most. It wasn't because he had retaliated. It was because she hadn't straightened everything out before it had to come to that. And she had no one to blame but herself.

And now Killian was avoiding her. Emma knew that he had been upset when she left with Neal that night. She knew that he felt that she had chosen Neal over him. But that wasn't the case. Not really. It had all made sense to her when she left. And yet now, knowing the consequences of it, she didn't know anymore.

Emma stood there, staring at that door for just a moment. Because if Killian didn't open that door and let her in…

If he continued to shut her out…

Why was she so emotional? Did she even have the right to have tears staining her cheeks? Was it even fair to have shudders racking her body like crazy _just _because she may have lost so many things that were important to her?

Maybe she was in the wrong for all of those things. But that was how Emma felt as she stood there in front of Killian's apartment door. And she knew that it was only going to get worse if she was turned away.

It was a flat and moist palm that hovered over the wood of the door for just a moment. It was the uncertainty that gave her pause before she laid that hand to the door. _Because if he…_

That hand formed a tight fist, and for just a moment longer it laid there. A knock that was a little less than steady finally sounded against the wood. And, as if it had burned her knuckles, she drew her hand back. Her hands flew to cover her face. She didn't like the feeling of being off-balanced. And there was nothing about her situation that made her feel anywhere near close to stable.

He wasn't going to answer. He didn't want anything to do with her. It was because of her that he had gambled a ten-year friendship in the sake of her name. And when he had asked her to stay- when he had essentially asked her to give up on Neal- she hadn't done that. She had followed her heart and had left him to deal with his issues on his own.

She thought she had imagined the turn of the lock. She looked back up, her eyes wide as she watched the door swing open. And she felt as if her heart was going to explode at just that gesture.

"Killian!"

Emma couldn't stop any of the knee-jerk reactions to having him in front of her. She found herself flying into the apartment and into him. It was like a rush of relief running through her as her arms wrapped around him, hugging this real person who was a part of her life so close to her. Her eyes closed and her face found and buried in that strong and soft spot there between his shoulder and neck.

"Killian." His name- _Killian-_ fell from her lips over and over.

She felt what seemed like hesitant arms encase her in a hug. And she didn't want that to break her heart. She didn't want any thought of him being caught off guard as the only reason why he would hold her. Because she needed…

"I'm sorry, Killian," she murmured against his skin. She couldn't get lost in that scent that was _him_, but it was the only thing she wanted. But when his arms tightened around her, she did let herself hold onto him even tighter.

"Emma, what-"

"Everything that happened? The way he found out? Killian, I didn't trust Neal to be safe last night. I _couldn't _have just stayed here and not care what happened to him. I _had _to leave. But that didn't mean that everything that you said didn't matter to me. It did. It meant _everything _to me. You finally said it. You told me that you loved me. So… don't stop loving me. Don't stop because I left."

"Emma, what are-"

"I've been calling you all day," she told him, burying herself all the closer to him. "All day long, And you wouldn't answer."

"Emma, I…" She felt his fingers slowly slip through the strands of her hair. It was a light hold, before it tightened on a mass and pull tight. "That isn't exactly true, Emma." And then, with a slight wince, he tried to step back- to step away from her.

He was trying to slip away, and she couldn't let him go. Not yet…

"I love you, Killian," she whispered fiercely into him. "I love you so so much. I never wanted anyone the way I want you. So don't tell me that I ruined everything. Because I didn't mean to ruin everything."

"I… love you, too."

It should have been reassuring and everything that she needed. But feeling him trying to detach himself from her still in that moment told her something else.

_I love you, too. But it's too little, too late. You made your choice when you walked out that door…_

If he said that… Emma's arms closed around him even tighter. She felt the tears, wet and hot, sliding down her cheeks again.

_All her fault. It was all of her fault…_

Killian's groan sounded full of frustration as he took hold of her arms. His hands held on firm, and he let them slide away from around his neck.

"Emma, stop crying." It was a soft command, but a command nonetheless. "Do you hear me?" His hands tightened on her arms and he gave her a little shake.

She blinked her eyes open. The sting of tears hurt, so she pulled one arm away from here.

"Yes." _She had heard him, but she didn't trust it._

"Now." Killian took in a deep breath and stepped away from her. "Do you _see _me? Do you actually _see _me, Emma?"

She took her own step back so that she could do so.

"I wasn't avoiding you." His covered those steps that had suddenly separated them in the space of two seconds. "Not on purpose, anyway." And his hands found hers, his fingers entwining with hers and bringing them up to his chest.

Emma's eyes searched his. And she saw. For the first time…

How had she missed it? She had been thinking solely of herself and not taking in everything that he had been through.

"I had one hell of a night that lasted way into today," Killian said softly, watching her closely.

It hadn't looked that bad last night, the remnants of the fight with his best friend. But maybe it was because she hadn't had enough time to focus on that part of it. But now…

Emma's fingers escaped the hold he had on her to lift up and touch the bruised cheek. The discoloring wasn't… the prettiest thing she'd ever seen. And neither was the swelling that had yet to fully go down on his bottom lip. She ran her fingers down to his mouth, only slightly stroking …

Killian sucked in a small breath and winced in pain from the touch.

"Damn." He rolled his shoulders in a shrug. "It still hurts."

"Are… you okay?" Because he did look awful.

He had been cleaned up- professionally it looked like.

"I'll be fine," he whispered, staring hardly in her face. "I spent the night here, trying to decide how bad everything was. I sure as hell wasn't meaning for it to be the main focus of my thoughts." And those eyes traveled down a path that told her everything.

"I'm sorry, Killian." Because this was her fault. She had reacted… the only way she knew how to. It didn't make the situation any better though.

He gave a stiff nod and held on to her tightly. "I didn't think anything was broken. Just bruised as hell. My face hurt, but it was trying to lie down that made me think twice about it. I couldn't sleep on my stomach or side, and when I was on my back it was still hard to breathe." He stepped back then and lifted his shirt.

"So I finally took myself to the hospital to get checked out," he continued. "Nothing was broken, believe it or not. Just a lot of bruising."

Emma looked at the tape that wrapped completely around his ribcage. She could only imagine what it looked like underneath that tape. _It was all her fault…_

"Neal didn't have a scratch on him," Emma murmured, mesmerized by the stark contrast in the two.

Killian groaned, his eyes finding the ceiling.

"Well, go ahead and rub my nose in it, Ems." His groaned turned into a moan. "You know what? Don't. Because it may not be broken, but there's no need to cause it any more pain." His fingers came up to delicately touch the injured spot on his face.

Emma's face scrunched up in deferred pain. And she should have been hurting.

"God, I'm so sorry, Killian." She wanted to hold him. She wanted him to hold her. But the stiffness that she had ran into had not been him being cold to her, but had been the physical pain that was caused because of her.

Killian looked back at her. He sucked in the right side of his bottom lip- the healthier looking side of that lip- and his eyes darted across her face.

"I thought you wanted Neal," he whispered darkly. "I thought you didn't even care. As long as you could _fix _things with Neal. I… begged you to stay, Emma. I begged you not to leave with him."

"I know what-"

"Because it seemed more important to you to… _fix _things with Neal rather than go ahead and do what you said _you _ultimately wanted. Which was to be with me."

So he didn't hate her. But he wasn't so happy with her either. Emma felt the quickening of her heart as they watched each other.

"You… saw him, Killian."

He was slow to nod. And he was slow to move away from her.

"I saw him. I saw him leave out of here and I saw how you ran after him." A careful hand went to cup his own chin. He was watching her so closely.

There was something that she couldn't read in his gaze. Or maybe there was so much fear inside of her because of that look that she didn't want to read it. All the anxiety that had been leaving was now coming back in droves.

"I told you, Emma," Killian finally continued. "Just what you wanted me to tell you. That I love you. And it wasn't enough."

_But it was enough!_

"I had to at least… try," she said, wide-eyed and in need of him to understand.

"And did you succeed?" The question ripped from his mouth immediately. And maybe there was a mutual amount of fear between them both.

_He couldn't have thought…_

"We got to the apartment and he went straight to the bedroom," she answered. "And slammed the door behind himself. But he was home. Safe. Just where he needed to be."

He was moving then, that ferocity plain over his face. A hint of fear was mixed in there as well as he grabbed at her waist.

"So what does that tell you, Emma?" Killian shook his head. "Are you done trying to _fix _things now? We all know that Neal didn't deserve any of this. We're both… damned sorry about how it happened. But nothing is going to make this any better or change what it is. Do you get that?"

She got it. That it was a whole lot of fear and hurt and pain that was mixed in those words. That there was a need that he had for her to understand all the sacrifices that had to be made because they chose to be together. There was a need from him for her to remember their past and not be overruled by seeing the effects of what happened.

And that was more difficult than she had ever thought it would be. But he was right.

Emma closed her hands over his firmly. Hadn't this been everything that she had wanted?

_Yes._

"I get it," she assured him with a nod. "It's over. Not the way that I wanted it to be, but it's done."

_I _am _with Killian. _Those had been her words to Neal. And now, standing in front of him, there was a bit of that burden of pain being lifted off of her. And it felt really really good….

"Killian?" Her hands tightened over his as she watched him.

It was the way that he returned her look. It was the shared moments that had brought them here. It was… everything that had led to _this_ right here. And maybe, for now, that was enough.

It was that thought that made her move then, clasping her arms around his neck and pulling him to her close.

"Damn." His body stiffened as the curse left his mouth. "That still hurts."

"Oh. Right." She offered him a small smile in way of an apology. "Sorry about that."

His hand was making its way up her arm. His eyes took a different path, taking in her face in a way that made her heart stutter. His fingers stilled there, at her elbow and…

"What the hell."

Killian's mouth falling softly over hers made her heart do something more than just stutter. It was gentle, careful. Firm lips that were bruised but still felt incredible against hers.

And for the first time, it didn't have the tinge of being forbidden.

This, as her hands slid cautiously up his chest, felt like one of those forever kinds of things. And, as far as she was concerned, it always would be.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who left positive and uplifting comments on the last chapter! They really made me feel a lot better after I got that upsetting comment. Like I said, the story isn't over just yet. There should still be about three more possible chapters.**

**S/N: I hope you will come around for my next MC fic that I'm planning and getting super excited about!**

**.**

**.**

She could get used to this.

Watching the way Killian dipped his head farther into the spray of the shower head, seeing the way he massaged his fingers deep into shampooed hair, Emma smiled to herself. _She could get used to this?_ That… wasn't quite right.

She stayed on task with one hand, running the towel over his back in small circles, while her other hand ventured off for more direct contact. Her fingers traveled from the small of his back- slippery and silky- up and over his shoulder blade. The feel of her skin against his, with the added bonus of the soapy lather, sent a deep-rooted ache throughout her.

It had been a full week. One whole week where she found herself in this thing that could finally be called a relationship. With him. With Killian. And…

She was more than just used to this. It was everything that she knew that it could be.

It was… easy? How had it become so easy? Their month of secrecy had offered an intimacy that she had cherished. They had learned so much- had experienced so much. But there had been limits. There had been these boundaries that had been incapable of overcoming at the time. So…

Emma hadn't known. She hadn't known what it would be like… to be held all night in his arms. She hadn't known what it was like to have his bearded cheek nestled right in the crook of her neck. She hadn't known what it was like to have his muscled furry leg wrap around her, pulling her tight against him. She hadn't known what it was like to wake up to that same enveloping warmth. To have his eyes take in every inch of her in a way that spoke volumes as to what this had all meant to him as well.

She hadn't known…

Emma watched how the muscles of his back worked while his arms raised to wash his hair. She listened to the low grumble of a groan as her fingertips roamed over his skin. Her thoughts were her own as she watched him.

The ease that had come from this relationship had turned into a routine of sorts.

He was the first to stand directly in front of the spray as it pounded down on them. He had a thing for screaming hot showers, so it was only natural that he took the first go around. And as he turned to face that spray, her hands had a way of doing double duty. She stood there, silently marveling at the piece of work in front of her as she washed his back. And maybe it had a way of making her heart do that stuttering thing.

"How have you avoided relationships for so long?" Emma asked, the awe of her own question apparent to even herself. Because, in her mind, he was the most perfect man.

She'd always thought- always knew somewhere down deep- that there was something uniquely special about the man. It was this experience here that had only proven it.

Emma watched as his head dipped even father into the spray, rinsing the remnants of shampoo from his hair. It was only then that he glanced over his shoulder, his eyes narrowing on her at her question.

"I haven't been _'avoiding' _relationships," he answered. It was with a slight grin that he turned around to face her.

_Small tub called for close proximity of bodies._

There was a definite appreciative glint in his eyes as he took every inch of her in from toe to head.

It was back, that deeply-seeded hunger from way down that he had a way of causing her to feel.

"I haven't been _'avoiding' _relationships," Killian told her again. His hand came up to swipe away the streaming water falling over his face. "You saw me with other girls, Ems. Things never got that far." Another smile split across his face. "As far as relationships, maybe I was subconsciously searching for 'the one' all this time."

Emma could help the smile that crossed her lips. But her eyebrows lifted in mock disbelief.

"Oh, please don't sweep me off my feet by saying you've enjoyed being a bachelor all this time while you were waiting on me to enter your life." And even as she said it, the thought still had a way of piercing through her heart.

But it was the way his arm slid slowly around her ever so carefully that made set a tingle shooting through her by that touch. It was the way his eyes darted across her face before finally settling on her own eyes, piercing through her.

_How?_

"Well maybe not _exactly._" Killian's shoulder lifted in a shrug. "But it does sound like an excellent story to tell, don't you think?"

_He was hers. And she never wanted it to be any other way._

"I've heard far worse," Emma countered. Her hand flattened out over his stomach, instantly loving the feel of warm skin and wetness. "I'm getting soap all over you again."

Killian's teeth scraped over his bottom lip. "It feels really good, too."

_God, it really did!_

"Switch with me," Emma murmured.

There was a smile of his face as his mouth fell down swiftly over hers. It was a quick kiss. An easy kiss that conveyed everything that they were together.

He continued to be distracting as she stepped around him to get to the front of the shower. Killian's hands found her hips, leaving her warm by the caress in his wake.

"Is it still too hot?" he asked her.

Emma watched as his long arm crossed over her to reach for the tap, bringing his body to hug up against hers.

The spray that hit her skin was now slightly cooler than it had been. But it had been the closeness of Killian that held her attention.

Her eyes drifted close, for just a moment. There was a wave of contentment and safety washing over her. It was too tempting to not push back. Her bottom pressed right back into him, finding all hard muscle.

It was only for a moment, they stood like that, unmoving. Body against body, holding on to one another. Killian's arm wrapped around her waist, keeping that contact of middle to middle. Emma's grasp on his arm should have told him that he had nothing to worry about. She had no plans of letting him go either.

"Mm, Emma." The murmur was right at her ear. His mouth settled right there, pressing a kiss to the soft skin.

"Killian?" Her hand tightened over his arm as she sighed.

Her eyes blinked open at the feel of his free hand flattening over her stomach. She felt the catch of her breath as that hand began its journey farther and farther down. His fingers encircled her navel before stiffly dipping down.

"Do you know what time it was when we got into the shower?" Emma asked him suddenly. She knew where her thoughts were going, and yet the need to press even deeper into him was too much to ignore.

She heard the sharp intake of breath close to her ear. And that hand, urging to continue the contact, helped to continue that press.

"Ah…"

"Neither one of us has time for this," she reminded him, albeit reluctantly. "You have to be at work and _I _need to go check out this storage situation."

Emma bit down hard on her lip at the feel of amazing fingers that were just… right… there. Those fingers pressed firmly against her and stayed, unmoving.

"You started it."

She would have laughed at the absurdity, but it was hard to not concentrate on…

Emma spread her legs apart only the merest of inches, offering easier access. If only he'd take it.

"How did _I _start anything?"

The arm that was wrapped around her tightened.

"Okay. Maybe it was me."

And that _did _make her giggle. Followed by a sharp gasp of surprise and pleasure as that finger found her open for him.

"Killian…" Her doubts began to seep away at the feel of him against her, in her.

_Okay. Maybe they did have some a little time…_

_._

_._

"This is just ridiculous," Emma groaned, plopping down on the bed at the same time she pushed her shoe onto her foot. "I don't even know what scenario is best." She took that time to look up at him as he stood in front of his closet. "I have stuff here. I have stuff at Ruby's. My trunk is full of some of everything. I just need to take everything down to this storage space until I find a place."

It was her desperation that made Killian look at her thoughtfully.

She was completely displaced. And he felt awful about that. It should have been a no brainer. There should have been one easy solution to the entire situation. Why didn't she see that?

"I know I must be like the biggest burden to them over there," Emma huffed. She was shaking her head as she buried her foot into the other shoe.

Killian raised an eyebrow. "A burden to who?"

She looked up at him then. There was a frown furrowing her brows.

"To Ruby and Victor," she answered as if it was a foregone conclusion. "They've taken me and my stuff in, and…" Her head shook again with a sigh.

Killian's laugh sang through the room. He couldn't help it. She looked every bit of serious, and he couldn't believe it!

"Emma, you're never over there," he reminded her slowly. He turned so that he was giving her his full attention. "You _say _that you've been living there for a week, and yet… you are never there."

Her eyes widened as she watched him.

"Well doesn't that make it all the worse?"

Her train of thought was lost on him. "How so?"

Emma stood up then, smoothing out an imaginary wrinkle from her pants.

"How about the fact that they let me and my stuff move in with them? But what actually happens is that when I'm not at work then I'm usually over here. So what they are doing is just babysitting all of my crap!"

_She was adorable. Even when she was frustrated._

"Then why don't you bring your things here?" he asked softly. Killian felt his heart begin to pick up speed at his own question.

Emma only met his eyes for a brief second before she turned away. Her hands slid quickly into her pockets as her gaze fell to the floor.

"I have enough of my things here already," she reminded him with another huff. "And… I don't… live here, Killian." She looked back up at him then. "I'm like a nomad right now. And that's the way it's going to be until I find my own apartment."

He watched the defeat that was so apparent in her. She had lost a lot as of late. So the fact that it was so easy to tell that there were aspects of those losses and changes that still hurt her deeply, only made his need to fix things all the more real.

With his eyes never leaving her, Killian made his way back over to her.

"Emma?" It was gentle. All he wanted was…

"What?" Because standing right there in front of him, she took him all in. "What?"

His hand was slow and careful as he reached for hers.

"You _could _live here," he whispered with only a tinge of hope and precaution lacing his voice.

It was the way her mouth snapped closed and her brows lowered even farther down.

"You don't have to be a nomad if you just settle down here for good," Killian continued when she was nothing but silent.

"Killian." Her blinked her eyes open wide, staring off just to the side of him. "I… can't move… in here."

His fingers squeezed her tight. She wasn't looking directly at him. So…

"Why? When…"

"Because." Emma looked back at him then. He didn't like the sadness. "Because… you… don't have to do that, Killian. You don't have to take me in just because of what happened."

Was he hearing her correctly?

"Just because?" He couldn't help but laugh again. "I wouldn't say just because. I would say that it makes sense more than anything else."

Emma was slow to shake her head. "I think it would be better if I had my own place. For now. We shouldn't… force ourselves into anything."

"Living together would be forcing ourselves into something?" If he sounded a bit perplexed, it was because he was.

Emma offered up a small smile, her green eyes shining up at him. She threw her arms around his neck so that she could draw him closer.

"Hey?"

_She felt good right there like that. _

"What, Ems?"

And his smile grew as she watched him. "This is supposed to be like one of those forever things, right? Because I love you like none other."

_Forever…_

"Yeah," he whispered, grabbing at her waist and holding firm.

"Well since it's a forever thing, then there is no need to rush. And… you _don't _have to take me in."

It was more than that. Killian knew it instinctively. There was a part of him that wanted to clarify the situation right then and there. If _this _was their next step, then how was putting off the inevitable the better choice?

It was thoughts of… he didn't even want to think about it, but the truth was there. _Neal. _There was still that need to come to terms with everything that had happened. She thought it wasn't enough time in between. She wasn't ready.

Then there was a part of him that understood so instinctively that there was no need to have the discussion now. They were together. They were happy. And if Emma needed the in between time, to clear her head and _focus, _then she would have it.

So maybe she was the smarter of the two. Maybe there was a part of him that wanted the happy ending to be now. Then again, they did have _forever._

"Well, until you find the perfect place," Killian offered, tightening his hands even more around her waist, "I think the situation is fine. You know that Ruby doesn't mind having your belongings at her place. And," one eyebrow rose just slightly, "it's very likely that the situation is appeasing to her. She's the good friend who has a houseguest who is never there to be the guest."

"Hey!" With mock annoyance, Emma moved out of his arms then, "Just keep that up. You know I can always go home."

Killian watched with a smile as she walked away from him, walking back over to the bed where the rest of her things lay.

"No, not just yet," he murmured, watching her closely.

Emma looked back at him over her shoulder, her eyes still alight.

"I have to get over there to that storage building," she told him again. "Then I have to go to work."

"Mm, I'll be home before you get here." And for some reason he wasn't quite ready to let her go. "That is _if _you decide to spend the night here." His steps lead him to stand right behind her. "Since, you know, you don't live here."

"Ha ha."

He heard the smile in her voice. And as he placed his hand firmly against her hip, he smiled himself.

"Ah… don't." Emma laughed, turning around in his arms.

_Emma._

She was absolutely everything that he had ever wanted. How had he become so damned lucky?

It had happened through a whole lot of sacrifice and a whole lot of pain. And, looking at her right then, he knew that it wasn't over.

"Don't… what?"

Her smile was easy as she looked up at him. "Don't you dare try to hold me up any longer."

Killian's fingers moved up, finding her soft cheek, running across the shell of her ear, and then fisting in her hair right above.

It was the softness that embodied her total being that let him know. In that moment, as they each held on so tight to the other's gaze, it was a lot more than the physical.

He had almost not had this. _They _had almost not had this. And what they had…

"I love you, Emma." His hand tightened in her hair, keeping his hold on her firm.

"Ah…" Her own fingertips ran across his shoulder. It was a light caress as she shook her head at him. "I remember a time- I really don't think it was that long ago- that you wouldn't say those words. Hm."

_When it had seemed nearly impossible…_

She'd meant it as a joke, but it was the truth.

"Emma?"

Those eyes were twinkling now. "Yeah?"

"You have a busy day ahead of you. You should go ahead and get started."

"That's what _I've _been saying!" Emma bit down on her lip as she pulled him down to her. Those lips captured his, kissing him once then twice.

The sacrifices had been great, but when this was the outcome- _were they sure that they had no more time?- _how could it not be worth it?

His fingers slipped into the silkiness of hair just once more.

There _was _no doubt.

Emma Swan was worth it.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Okay, I'm just rounding everything together to get to the conclusion guys.**

**.**

**.**

"It's going to be just few more minutes, sir," the cashier informed him with a face the read apologetic. "Sorry for the inconvenience."

"No problem at all," Killian assured him with an easy smile. He pushed himself off of the counter, quickly moving away.

It didn't matter that Emma had called the order in and was given a wait time of fifteen minutes. It didn't matter that _that _was closer to twenty-five minutes. What was a couple more minutes?

He scanned the small waiting area of the fast food Chinese restaurant. There was only one of those few booths that lined the wall that was empty.

Killian pulled his phone out of his pocket, walking over to the lone solitaire booth. He knew that Emma was at home (the smile that crossed his face was only for him, thinking of _home _and _Emma _all in one sentence). She was there waiting on him and dinner after a very long work day. He imagined an easy and simple meal with an easy clean up, followed by some cuddling. Yes, cuddling. Holding her close and snug in his arms for as long as they both wanted.

_They seem to be a bit backed up, love. I'll be home soon._

Killian sent the quick text to Emma before he slid into the booth.

It hadn't been a full minute before Emma's answering text came through.

_**I'm feeling authentic. Make sure they pack chopsticks!**_

It made him smile. His mind conjured up images of her in nothing but s mid-thigh length T-shirt, sitting there in front of the coffee table, and scooping up noodles between the two chopsticks.

_**Sometimes they can be skimpy with the soy sauce. Check that out.**_

_There's probably some of those things already there. Hence the reason why they are skimpy with passing it out._

He'd loved that this was them now. This casual thing that developed within a relationship. It had been a friendship first. And now…

There would never be a day that he wouldn't remember the how's and why's, but did it stop him from being happy now in this moment? No, it didn't.

The back and forth text conversation held his attention. A great distraction as he waited.

The ringing of bells, signaling of the door being opened, drew his attention for just a brief moment from his phone. His eyes lifted, curious to see the entrance or exit of one more customer.

At just the thought of his eyes not deceiving him, he felt a sudden a quick reaction to what he thought…

_Was…_

Killian felt the buzz of the phone vibrate in his hands.

_It was._

His eyes tracked the path that Neal made from the door to the counter, unbeknownst to him. There was still that instinctual slouch in his seat, keeping contact between the two nonexistent.

There had been a sudden quickening of his heart, could feel the nervousness spanning and reaching out throughout his body.

They hadn't seen each other since the infamous fight. There had been an amount of time that passed between then and now. Still.

Killian's fingers slid across the now normal-looking mouth that had taken longer than he had ever imagined to heal. Each breath reminded him of once taped up ribs. All at the hands on Neal.

It began as apprehension, seeing his ex-best friend- who had yet to notice him- standing there so nonchalantly. This was something that he knew could happen. Hell, had known _would _happen. They ran in similar circles. Lived in similar neighborhoods. It was more surprising that it had taken this long. Two friends- _three_ friends. Three _people_ who had shared a lot of life together would not be able to disappear so easily from the others' existence.

But it wasn't all apprehension. There was a sort of pain that began to run deep as well. Ten years. They had been friends for a decade. And Killian never thought he would see the day that it would end. Neal had said the same thing. Over a woman.

It was more than just a woman_._ If there was anything that he wished Neal could understand, it was that Emma wasn't _just _a woman. He wouldn't have risked (risked?)… He wouldn't have ended his friendship so carelessly and recklessly.

"Jones?"

_Damn._

Killian hadn't exactly came up with a final decision of how he wanted to handle the situation before his order was called. There was a part of him that believed it was too early- too raw- for a confrontation at this point. There were too many feelings, and he could only imagine what Neal would be feeling. And then there was a part of him wanted nothing more than to man up to the situation at hand. It was what it was. Emma and Neal had been in a relationship for two years. And now Emma and he were in a relationship, at the expense of Neal.

His eyes never left Neal's back. With a string of curses under his breath, he slid very carefully and very cautiously from the booth.

It was immediate. Maybe it had been the trigger of a common yet familiar name. Maybe it had been the sound of movement from behind. Neal did a quick spin around, bringing them face to face.

Killian saw the gambit of emotions running across Neal's face- saw it in his eyes, in his mouth, in the way he held his chin. All too quick to think about each one, but he could imagine.

It felt like the moment lasted forever, this standoff. Two men only feet away from each other. Neal's grim mouth set in a firm line as his eyes roamed him from head to toe. Those hands maybe itching to punch his ex-friend at least one more time, if seeing the clenching and unclenching as any true sign.

Killian wanted nothing less than a fight. Seeing Neal standing there in front of him, it wasn't that possible fight that he thought of. It was the years of friendship. It was all the trips and journeys that they'd been through. It was hand claps on the back and the easy grins of two pranksters. It was….

All of the good things that had been them and their friendship. A decade was a long time. He didn't have many friends like that. And, now, he was down one more.

"_Jones."_

Maybe they stood like that longer than he had thought. The call of his name broke some kind of spell, taking him out of his reverie and back to the present.

He felt the click of something inside him- something telling him to handle this. Killian's steps were firm and confident. There was no place for timidity or sadness. If Neal said something…

"Killian." The murmur was accompanied by a challenging bump of arm against arm.

The instant grab of that arm, yanking him forcefully into him, and letting him no without a doubt that it wasn't going to happen was the thought that came to Killian's mind. Just a thought. _Ten years… _

"Neal."

It was only a second more. Just one second. And then Neal gave him a simple nod. Nothing more.

Killian only hesitated for a breath. He knew that that physical contact was probably an instantaneous reaction in the same way that almost made him grab him. So he would let it pass.

But he wondered. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? He was sorry. _Sorry_.

His nod was even less significant than the other. But with that acknowledgement, he continued towards the counter.

The plastic bags that held the platters of food sat expectantly on the counter. There was only a brief acknowledgement from the cashier, an apologetic look on his face as he pressed the bags Killian's way before he turned his attention somewhere else.

His food was there. So he was supposed to turn around and…

"I'm guessing that _Emma _has an order of chicken chow mein in there somewhere."

The quandary from Neal hit Killian right in the heart as he turned to look at him.

He was standing just as he was before. There was a slide of his hand into his pocket and a smile that just wasn't right across his face.

"Along with some spring rolls maybe," he continued with a light shrug. "Did you remember to make sure to extra soy sauce for the fried rice? It would be a pain to have to run back out and get some, right?"

So he knew Emma. Knew what she liked. Knew how she liked it.

Was Neal trying to prove something with that fact? Because Killian knew Emma as well. And he was learning so much more about the woman who had so easily lead him into her heart. So the words didn't make him respond to that aspect of it.

Neal _did _know Emma. But apparently it wasn't as much as he had thought. Because it hadn't been a careless act. It wasn't about something tawdry and messy.

He hadn't been what she needed. Hadn't been what she wanted. Hadn't been what she truly desired. And Neal… he didn't get that.

His steps were slow as his eyes darted across his face. Killian swallowed back the lump that had threatened to close his throat.

It was everyone that was around them. This wasn't the place. Too many people. All strangers. And they had had their say.

They were close, shoulder to shoulder.

"Not here." It was meant to be heard by only him, and with a finality he felt coursing through him. "Goodbye, Neal."

And there was a sense of sadness for the one of the three that was left alone. There was a sadness for a friendship that was no more.

It should have been left at that. Was that just wishful thinking? Because Killian didn't feel alone as he walked the short path to the door. In fact, he heard the footsteps. He heard his breathing, shallow huffs coming from behind. He heard the rustling of his coat flapping with each step.

"Hey!"

The turn was automatic, leaving no room for thought or question. So was that burning sensation. An emotionally-charged confrontation was _not _his idea of a good night when he had Emma waiting at home for him.

Killian's smile was small and just friendly enough, but his hand tightened on the bag he held.

"Here's the thing," he practically purred. "Although the last time we met I didn't mind much that my face paid the price for your anger," his eyes squinted, "I unfortunately am not in the same mind frame. Sorry, mate."

Neal's hand went to swipe over his nose, hiding a grin from underneath. And if it hadn't been for the circumstances, then this would have been something that was quite them. The banter. The grins.

"You still have a whole hell of a lot of nerve," was the answered murmur.

He had the right to feel any sort of way that he wanted to, Killian knew that. But it wasn't going to change anything, so standing here and listening to it was nowhere near ideal.

"Was there something that you wanted, Neal?"

God, his best friend. Was he the only one who felt it? Felt the stab of pain because of everything that had happened? Well there was nothing that he could do about it now.

"Do you think you have the right to even look at me with any shred of remorse?"

He hadn't tried to look remorseful. He hadn't tried to look as if he was anything but what he was.

Killian was slow to shake his head. "I… wasn't the one who sought you out here, Neal. So…"

It was that same quick flash of anger that could be seen in Neal's eyes- just like last time. The only difference was the Killian's reaction to it was a far cry from what it had been like last time.

He got it. Goddammit, he understood what the situation must have been like for Neal. But he couldn't do anything about that.

"Listen," Killian said, watching Neal's step towards him. "All I can do is apologize. And I've done that. What I can't do is keep coming to blows with you over a situation that is over and done with. What I can't do is walk on eggshells because of what happened."

Toe to toe. That's how they stood. Eyes on eyes. Two men who had so much history and so much fresh pain between them.

Killian felt the still increasing heartrate. It wasn't out of fear. What was it?

Pain. Hurt. Hell, he _was _remorseful. Sorry that his happiness came at the hands of Neal's hurt.

"How about this, Killian?" he whispered quietly. "You- and Emma? You stay out of my way."

There was a promise in there that was hard to keep.

"Like I said." His gaze on him was steely. If this was the way it had to be… "I didn't seek you out. And as far as Emma."

There was a definite flash of something in Neal's eyes that should have been considered pain.

"I'm sure she will feel the same way."

Just the thought of Emma brought a new surge of anger in Killian. He had taken the beating- had expected far worse. But…

"No matter how much she hurt you, you didn't have to do what you did," he whispered. You didn't have to throw her and everything she owns out on the streets."

Neal shrugged. "It never made it that far."

"I could handle what you did to me," Killian assured him. "I damned well deserved it. I deserved even worse. But Emma." He was slow to shake his head. "Emma?"

"Emma deserved everything _she _got and a hell of a lot more!" The shout was full of pain and bitterness. But there was more, because he took a step back, his head ducking and a curse falling from his mouth. "I…wouldn't have… I wouldn't have thrown her stuff out." He looked back up suddenly, his eyes searching Killian's, and maybe for some understanding. "You know that. But… she would have _deserved _it if it had come to that."

It was with that look that Killian realized something. It wasn't a complete hatred that filled any one of them in the situation. Even Neal. But it didn't change the circumstances. There would never be a time where any of this was acceptable. In that way, they had all lost.

Killian took his own step back, the weight of the bag in his hand becoming heavy and noticeable once again.

There was nothing else to say. Nothing that was going to seem right. He watched his old friend, saw the flicker of indecision crossing over his face.

"You want to hit me?" It was a question, but could have easily have just been stated.

Another huge grin crossed Neal's face. "More than you'll ever know."

Killian nodded slowly, a complete knowing and understanding of his frank answer. He took another moment to look at was now his past- there was no other way to look at it. And then it was over. No more.

His eyes fell to the ground, a slight bob of his head. Then he turned his back on Neal.

The metaphor was not lost on him in those moments. And yet…

This time there were no footsteps that followed. There was no whisper of coat whipping and matching every one of his steps.

He chose not to question the hollowness that was invading him.

What had he expected? Hey, no answer or thought for that one either.

If he let it, the whole thing could have eaten away at him. And it was so very close to doing that. But no matter how and why it had happened, the fact was that the end result had him going home to Emma.

For now, he only had room in his head to think on that one. Even if he had to force all the other thoughts away.

.

.

"I am really curious to know what you are thinking," Emma said, sitting there with eyes only on him.

And that had made him curious. What? Had she seen something in him? Had he been so transparent?

And yet Killian didn't even know himself what it was.

Or maybe he did.

Emma's fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp, had magical properties that he didn't know if he would ever understand. But he didn't need to understand, as long as there was still magic there.

Killian liked the way she felt sitting on his lap. He liked the way her body fit so perfectly right there. He loved the smile that he recognized as her genuine and loving smile. A smile that was just for him.

So why did his mind drift? But of course…

Emma's head tilted, her eyes crossed the path of his face. There was only a small smile there, and maybe just a tiny bit of worry.

It was because she knew him. And that was a fact that made his heart blossom. Had let him know that nothing else mattered. That this- that _they- _were worth it.

Killian's hand smoothed over her leg, pulling her all the closer to himself. It was on the tip of his tongue, to share with her.

"What?" Emma's question, and her look of curiosity, was the final push.

"I saw Neal tonight." And as the words left his mouth, he watched for any signs. First reactions- looks and body language- were important.

He expected a stiffening and a need to close herself off. He expected an off-putting that would only cause him a sense of pain as well.

It had been difficult for Emma, and Killian knew that. Where he knew that she had always believed that the transition would be easy, it hadn't been as simple as that.

But she didn't tense up. It was quite the opposite. Emma moved her hands so that her arms could wrap around his neck. She settled even deeper into him, holding him close. And her eyes weren't sad, as he believed they would be, but still curious.

"You didn't tell me earlier," she reminded him quietly. "How did that go?"

"It…"

The movie of their recent lives played out in his mind in that space of a second as he looked at her. Those things lost and those things that were gained.

"It went," was his answer with a frown.

Emma's hold on him tightened, staying quiet for a moment.

What was she thinking? Sometimes it was a lot easier to put the whole situation into perspective. And other times nothing was able to do that.

He never wanted her to regret the decision. And with Neal finding out in the way he did, he knew that sometimes it was difficult not to have some odd feelings toward it. So…

What was she thinking?

"Hands to oneself?" Emma whispered.

Were her eyes looking for telltale marks as she watched him.

A shoulder lifted into a shrug. "For the most part, yeah."

There was a frown on her face now, along with another pause.

"Did you come out of it okay?" Emma rolled her eyes. "Other than feeling the need to keep it to yourself for so long?"

It was everything about her. Killian loved everything about her. He hadn't known what to expect. But the way she held him. The way she approached this whole thing with softness and care. He was in love with her…

"I came out of it better than I ever thought I would," he answered. His smile was sudden and driven by his heart.

Emma's head turned again. "And did Neal come out of it okay?"

That's when his eyes darted across her face, taking her in in every way possible.

"He came out of it okay," he told her. "He's trying. He's… Neal. You know?"

Neal. The all-around good guy. The guy who lived life easily and liked it that way, without so much of a care in the world.

"I know."

Maybe there was a bit of sadness in her acknowledgement- and Killian expected that. But he didn't expect for it to disappear so quickly, being replaced by a tiny happy smile.

"I'm glad."

"Emma?" It was sudden, the need to pull her close. His fingers moved to her face and slid across into her hair. It was a firm hold, bringing her close.

It was all worth it, right?

Soft. She was soft. And was sweet. And she was…

Emma.

"Emma?"

There was something about her. Something in the way that she looked at him.

She nodded, her eyes closing. "I know."

And when she kissed him, which was just as soft and sweet as she was, he knew that she did know. Without words, she knew.

So…

Yeah, it was worth it.


	16. Chapter 16

"Why are you even pretending?"

Emma's gaze struggled to tear away from her laptop screen, although Ruby's question was a bit jarring.

"What?" And when she did look up, she was greeted by a flop down on the bed beside her.

It made Emma smile, laying there next to her friend. She had kicked her feet up, swaying back and forth lightly. Those already big eyes of hers were being accentuated even more by the eye shadows and mascara.

"What?" she asked again, because so far all she had got was a big white smile pointed her way.

Ruby bit down on her lip as she nudged Emma's shoulder with her own.

"What are you doing?"

She was wary from… everything that was Ruby. Emma's eyes slid slowly back over to her computer screen that held countless rental properties of varying sizes, shapes, prices, and leasing agreements.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she asked, somewhat confused by her friend's line of questioning.

"It looks like you're pretending."

It was as simple and as matter-of-fact that it had Emma turned back to look at her.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't even know why you've been looking through all these ads- I can't believe that you've even been out there looking at these places- when you know exactly where you need to be."

Emma felt skeptical at Ruby's preciseness.

"Um… do you expect me to live here forever?" And she was confused even more so.

The way Ruby's eyes cut on her said cut the BS.

"You don't live here, Emma. The fact that you are here right now is because Killian is at work. And your twisted mind says that you can't be at home when he isn't."

It made Emma huff out a laugh, the absurdity of Ruby.

"So the fact that you're laying here looking at a new place to move is beyond silly, Emma," Ruby continued, ignoring the chuckle.

"You offer me your spare room and then you get upset when I'm here?" Emma asked lightly, her chin raising as she looked at her. "Killian was right."

Right about Ruby's thoughts of her staying there.

"Say whatever you'd like," she continued, turning back to the laptop. "But I'm not pretending."

"So what are you being, Emma."

The teasing in her voice wasn't lost on Emma. And yet it was a topic of conversation that she didn't know how to approach.

"You don't think it's too fast?" She threw Ruby a side-glance, curious of what her response would be. Although she should have known.

"I think it's what you guys want." Even from the position she was in, Emma could make out the devilish smile on her face. "So do what you want. And hey!" Her shoulder bumped into hers again. "Is this a committed relationship or what?"

It _was _a committed relationship…

Killian did something for her heart that even _she _had not anticipated. It was deeper than she had ever dreamed. And it wasn't about the high of secrets and games. It wasn't about the rush of something new and exciting. She had told him that way in the beginning. She wanted him wholeheartedly. And that was just what she had received. A one-hundred percent, all in Killian.

"Thought so."

Ruby sounded smug. She looked the part as well when Emma turned back towards her. Which only tempted her in giving her an eye roll and maybe even a poke of her tongue. But, instead, she offered her a smile.

"Still," because there was that piece of doubt that lingered.

Too fast, too soon… When had she become this cautious person? It must have been when she got everything that she wanted…

"Still nothing." Ruby's arm came crossed over hers. Grabby hands pulled at the laptop, dragging it closer to her. "So no more looking at apartments that are nowhere near needed."

It made Emma smile. She wasn't as confident as Ruby, but there was more of a sense of being _right. So right._

"Well before I hide my laptop away," Emma said, closing her hand over hers, stopping her immediately. "I heard the notification go off from my phone. So I need to check my email."

Ruby slipped her hands from underneath hers.

"That's fine."

That did earn her an eye roll. "Well, thanks."

"Well it was only a small sacrifice," Ruby said with a shrug before she began to sit up. "After you do that though, how about getting out of this room? Come in the living room with me and we can catch up on something on Netflix. You're rarely here, and I would love some ultimate girl time together. You'd never believe what kind of arm twisting I have to do to get Victor to sit down and watch a classic rom-com."

Emma glanced down at the clock in the corner of her laptop.

"I think I have just enough time to watch something before Killian makes it home."

There was a snort of laughter from next to her. And it made Emma smile as well. _Okay, she was planning her extra time to fit in the timeframe of when she could be with him again._

"I accept the fact that I love him, Ruby," she said, a hint of concession in her tone.

"Aw, it's totally adorable," Ruby crooned. She stood up from the bed then, but her eyes stayed on Emma. "When are you going to tell him?"

"Tell him what?" But Emma knew what. And she turned her focus back to the task at hand. Pulling up her email account, she was hoping for spam and nothing too important. Something that could easily be trashed and forgotten.

"When are you going to tell Killian that you will move in with him, silly," Ruby drawled.

Emma imagined that her pervasiveness was becoming tiresome to her friend. But she couldn't help it.

"I don't know. I'm not ready. I have to think about it some more."

There were three messages that were bolded in her email history. Three new messages. But it was the newest one that held her attention. The top one that drew her eyes like lasers. It was the one that made her entire body stiffen at what it meant.

"What is it?" Ruby asked slowly.

Emma couldn't look at her. She couldn't tear her eyes from the screen.

The timestamp was nearly an hour old. He had emailed her nearly an hour ago.

"_What_, Emma?"

It must have been her body language that had made Ruby nervous. There was a definite tension in her entire body that wouldn't go away as she her eyes tracked that line of information over and over again.

"It's from… Neal."

Name. Subject. Time.

"What?" The weight of Ruby crashed back down on the bed. "What did he say? _Why _did he _email _you?" And just as sudden was the invasion of personal space as her eyes tried to get at the screen.

_Neal Cassidy. I just need to talk to you. 6:07PM_

"I don't know," Emma answered quietly.

Why was he emailing her? They hadn't talked since that day he told her to get her things and leave. In all that time, he had never tried to contact her. She hadn't tried to contact him either. He was hurting. She had hurt him. Things had ended terribly. But there had been nothing that she could have done to make it any better. Why was he emailing her?

She hadn't seen him. But Killian had seen him. And Neal had not seemed to be in a forgiving mood at that time. Even if it hadn't come to fisticuffs, it had been far from a forgiving situation. So…

"Oh my God, what are you waiting for?" Ruby gushed from beside her. "Go ahead and open it and find out."

It was supposed to be that easy? Just open it and see what he has to say?

There were too many variables. The subject had said _I just need to talk to you. _Bur what the hell was that supposed to mean?

"_Emma?"_

Emma licked at her lips and only glanced at Ruby.

"I don't know what it is, Ruby. It could be anything. _Anything_. I don't know."

"Well that's why you're going to find out."

Emma turned back to the computer. It was just a second more. Seeing that line of information that hard her heart beating erratically. And then she jumped up to her knees, watching that screen even longer. At last, biting down on her lip, she moved to sit cross-legged on the bed. The computer came with her, sitting right in front.

And she still couldn't…

"Open it."

What could he possibly have to say? Ruby was right. _Open it. So…._

The length is what surprised her. She didn't think that she would open up the email and find one hundred words. So when it was more than three times that- almost four- she didn't know what to think.

Nothing stuck. It was the sheer magnitude of what was before her.

"What did he say?"

It was Ruby's whisper that made her skim through the words, picking up on little details. Before she went back up. Before she could read it through. And… it didn't make sense…

"Ruby?"

"Really, Emma?" There was a lot of frustration in that growl as she came to put herself right next to her. "What. Did. He. Say."

Emma blinked at the screen again.

_Neal._ It was all Neal.

"Oh. My. God."

She couldn't pay attention to Ruby's response. She didn't even know how _she _was supposed to respond. So she ignored her. Ignored the rocking of the bed as she bounced. Ignored the hand to her leg as she shook her. Ignored everything except for that note on her screen.

Emma had skimmed it. She had picked out key words. She had read the whole thing. And she read it again…

_It's difficult sleeping without you. It's hard not having you to hold in my arms. I thought that I was giving you my all. When I found out that you had an affair with Killian, it nearly killed me, Emma. I didn't see it coming. Should I have seen it coming?_

_I just wish that everything could go back the way it was. I'm not over you. I'm not over our life together. The life that you chose to change. There's nothing that I can do about it. Sometimes I wish I didn't react the way I did. I wish that I would have talked things out. _

_How could you have had feelings for him when you were with me? What was it that I missed, Emma? Didn't you love me? Didn't I see that it in your eyes every day? Even after the affair began? How could I be so dense and not see it?_

_I know he told you, but I saw Killian out picking up dinner. For you. You know what I thought when I saw him? I thought about how this all had to be some parallel universe because this isn't how it was supposed to be. I'm just glad that you weren't with him. The pain would have been unbearable to see you two together._

_Do you know what it's like to think about that? To think about his hands on you? To think about your hands on him? To think about him saying those words to you as if he means them? For you to say those words in the way you used to say them to me?_

_I loved you, Emma. I still love you. Everything that happened was out of hurt and anger and madness. But I love you, Emma. Two years and a future isn't so easy to throw away._

_I'll probably regret sending you this. Then again there is a part of me that couldn't rest until I had at least tried. _

_Killian is the friend. Don't get me wrong. I know what he looks like and his personality. I know that he was a good guy. But is he truly the one you want?_

_Think about it, Emma. Make me NOT regret this message._

_xoxo_

_Think about it? Think about it?_

"Do you _see _this, Ruby?" It was difficult to tear her eyes away from that screen, but she did it.

And she saw the way Ruby chewed at her fingernail, her eyes thoughtful.

"I see it." She looked up at her then. Maybe it had been difficult for her to look away as well. "Do you believe it?"

Emma understood the skepticism in Ruby's voice. It wasn't skepticism that squeezed at her heart though. It was total disbelief.

"No." Her eyes scanned her face. "I don't believe this."

Because it was supposed to be over. It was supposed to be done with. As far as she was concerned, it _was _over. So… was there anything to think about?

"Neal still wants you back," Ruby whispered from beside her. And there was awe in her voice. Awe and still that hint of surprise. "Are you… going to talk to him?" Her frown was deep as she watched her carefully. "To… set him straight?"

_I know that he was a good guy. But is he truly the one you want?_

Neal had questioned her relationship Killian. Had tried to put doubt in her head. Had wanted her to _think _about her decision. Her choices.

Emma shook her head. With a firm hand, she shut the laptop close.

"I haven't talked to him. And this?" She turned back to Ruby, looking her straight in her eyes. "This doesn't make me want to talk to him. For what?"

"To… tell him just that," Ruby offered with a roll of her eyes.

It only made Emma shake her head again.

"I want him to have closure," she murmured softly. "But the way things ended? And now this note with him saying that he wants me to think about changing my mind?" Her head shook again. "I don't think I can do it."

Emma watched as Ruby slowly slipped back off of the bed.

"What do you think? Is that the coward way to end this, Ruby?" As sure as she was in that moment with her decision, she still desperately wanted to know the thoughts of her friend.

That fingertip was back between her teeth as she looked at her. A raised eyebrow indicated a moment for thoughtful reflection.

"It's hard to say," Ruby answered with a shrug. "I mean, if Neal's mind is telling him that he wants you back, and your answer is a no, who knows what his reaction would be if you told him that? Then again, who knows how he'll feel if you just ignore him? I understand that you don't want to go back through the emotional upheaval of it all."

It wouldn't be smart. Would it?

"I don't want to go through with this." That was her answer.

Ruby shook her head. "Then there you have it." Her hands clapped together as in finality. But there was something more. There was an energy in the air that read weird.

If there was one thing that she didn't see coming, it would have been this. Neal wasn't the farthest thing from her mind, but she figured that it was over. After Killian seeing him in the restaurant, it only confirmed how things would be from that point on.

_Killian. _

She hadn't even thought about what his reaction would be. All she could do was imagine. Not angry, because he was as sure about them as she was. A little perturbed? Maybe. He'd react the way that she did.

"_Damn." _

"I agree."

Emma looked up then to see that Ruby was shaking her head.

It didn't help. It didn't make the situation any better.

It was supposed to be over and done with. And now it…

"Ruby?"

Skepticism was what was on her face. "Yeah."

"I just want to watch Netflix until it's time for me to see Killian."

When Emma finally stood up from the bed, she was met by Ruby with arms wide open.

"_That _is something that we can definitely do." And her arms tightened around her. "Come on."


	17. Chapter 17

"Ooh, look at this one!"

Killian couldn't help the way his eyes turned towards the ceiling at Emma's excited words. He was slow to stand up from the weight bench, finding her nearby. There was at least a small smile on his face as he grabbed the waistband of her yoga pants, pulling her against him. It was because he already knew. He _already_ knew what Emma had brought up on her phone to show him one more time.

"May I ask how we are going to finish this workout if all you do is keep checking your phone?" he whispered just above her ear.

Emma gave him a bit of a huff as she nudged against him.

"If one of us is okay to be lax for a moment it is definitely me," she told him with a smile. "Now, don't you want to look?"

"You're not even sweaty," he muttered playfully. Listening to her gasp made him smile again. His eyes dropped to her phone that she held up for him to look at, only slightly amused.

_Apartment listing. Of course._

"It looks gray and dull and it sits in a bad neighborhood," he ticked off for her monotonously.

And when Emma swiftly turned her head towards him with shrewd eyes, the only thing that Killian could do was laugh.

"I can't believe you."

"But… you kind of can, right?" And it only made Killian laugh harder, pulling her into his arms.

"I may not be all sweaty, but you are_!" _But it didn't seem to bother her as much as she may have wanted him to believe. Because she was immediately up on tiptoe to place a kiss on his lips.

Soft kiss. Lovely lips. A mouth that he couldn't get enough of. A mouth he never _wanted _to get enough of.

"So does it really look that bad?" Emma asked him softly, slowly moving just a fraction away from her.

Killian had barely glanced at the listing. But he knew it with confidence.

"It looks horrible."

Her eyes met his with wonder. But, again, it was an easy enough to read look.

"I have enough time to get in a good run before I have to get ready for work," she told him. "So how about we push ourselves this last little bit, hm?"

He could have scooped her up in his arms right then and there. He could have held her and kissed her and professed his love at the drop of a hat. But he didn't. He instead followed behind her to where she picked her choice of prime treadmills.

It wasn't her annoyance that he found so utterly adorable in that moment. No. It was the façade that she had continued to put on. Because he knew. He knew what their future held for themselves. He knew that she wasn't going anywhere. She was his just as much as he was hers. And it put a smile on his face.

It wasn't just the pretense of apartment hunting that made him smile reminiscently. And when Emma turned around to look at him- to see the silly grin crossing his face- and chose to poke her tongue out in that childish way that she was so good at, it only made him happier.

It conjured up thoughts of the email. It wasn't always good thoughts when his mind drifted there. But when those thoughts mingled with the really good ones of the future he saw with the woman in front of him, it only solidified what he knew.

.

"_It's your decision, Ems." He had strived to match his face to his tone. Because what he had said was true: it was her decision._

_And if Emma's sigh had been any indication, then she was more or less on the same page as he was._

"_I don't think that I should." She had looked up with him, her eyes wide and a bit of awe was there. "It was what he said. If he had said something else, then maybe. Everything did happen all of a sudden. Especially for him. But… it was more than just closure he was asking for."_

_That was for damn sure._

"_It was about being with him again." Emma had been slow to shake her head. "And I don't know if seeing him would be beneficial, really, when he has feelings like that."_

_It was the decision that he had wanted her to make. It was like a weight being lifted from his… his heart when she'd said that. It had let him know that she chose him. _

"_What do you think?" And her eyes had looked at him with question. She had looked at him as if his opinions mattered. She had looked at him as if it was the two of them in this._

"_I think… I want to punch him in the face." It was the most honest response he'd had since she told him about the email. It was the first time that he'd felt as if he could be that honest about it with her._

"_Because-"_

"_I get it," Killian had cut her off, knowing that she would have justified and put into perspective the entire scenario. But, in that moment, justification and perception wasn't what he had wanted. "Trust me. I get it."_

_She had been quiet, just staring at him. Before…_

"_I can take care of this."_

_It was the way she had looked at him. It was the way she stood- firm and resolute._

_It had been the partnership that wasn't quite new, but quite unique to them, that had made him trust in believe in not only her but in them…_

_._

"Are you ready?"

Emma leaned over to check the dash of his treadmill.

"I'm ready," he assured her.

Her little huff said that she wasn't sure about that. Her need to make a quick adjustment to the speed and incline of the treadmill confirmed his conclusion.

"Okay." It was her eyes. Bright and beautifully green and shining up at him that said she was satisfied.

"Well, I'm ready now, love," Killian offered with a raise of his eyebrow.

And when she offered a lift of her own eyebrow and a quick bite of her lip before she started her own treadmill, it made his heart constrict with a love he had not known. Not before her.

It was something that they could have missed out on. If they hadn't taken the leap… And that was a thought that was just as prevalent as thoughts of regret of hurting a friend. If he had to do it all over again…

Seeing her there- watching the grace and vitality and beauty of the woman beside him…

He would have chosen this life over the former every single time.

.

.

Her phone began ringing just as she pulled it and the charger from the base. Sparing it only a glance as she stuffed everything into her purse, Emma hesitated.

It was Ruby. Who had to know that either she was on her way or had realized that she was actually just outside of the building. She was only possibly minutes away from seeing her, so was answering the phone even worth it?

Emma only hesitated a second more before she gave in, only a little curious.

"I just pulled up," she told her, foregoing the greetings just in case. Her bag was behind her in the back seat. Emma twisted around, stretching her fingertips of her free hand to reach for it.

"I know." Did she sound a little irritated as well as quiet? "I saw you pull up. Don't come in yet."

It was her tone more than her warning that confused Emma.

"What are you talking about?"

She pulled back, sitting in her seat. Her eyes travelled the space of the parking lot until they locked on the building.

"Emma, Neal is here." Yes, definitely an irritated whisper. "He said he's here to talk to you before you start your shift. _But, _I will handle it. Just don't come inside until I do."

_Neal was there? _It made her track over the parking lot again. How could she believe that? Why would he come here? He came _here?_

About the email.

Because she hadn't returned his message. She had ignored him. She had instead went straight to Killian and told him. She had asked him his opinion on what she should do. And when he had left it in her hands, she had decided to stick to her first thought: to leave the situation be. Talking to Neal would mean continuously breaking his heart. And that wasn't her being cocky and self-assured that she mattered that much in his life. No. It was because of what he had said. Plain and simple.

And now he was inside of her job just waiting on her to come in. To have this talk.

Well, not just waiting. Because Ruby was being Ruby. She had her mind set on taking up for her friend. And her other coworkers were there. Who knew what they were doing in those same moments?

_Damn._

Emma felt the tension seeping through her body. _Think. Think._

"Ruby, it's not your job to handle Neal." It may not have come out as strongly and as confidently as she had wanted it to, but at least it was out. "What is he doing? Please tell me that he is being civil."

Was that Neal in the background? She couldn't tell if the murmuring of a deep voice were his or someone else's.

A coworker? Damn, there were residents there!

Why would he do this? The fact that she hadn't messaged him back wasn't good enough. Not when he showed up at her place of work!

"His being here dictates his inability at being civil," Ruby reminded her harshly. Emma could imagine that her eyes were narrowed right on his. She would be all business. "No matter if he isn't causing a disturbance yet. He says he needs to talk to you, Ems."

"Ruby…" There was only one way to take care of this.

The temperature was dropping. It was cold outside. It made her dread having to do this here even more.

"Send him out," she whispered into the phone.

"I told you to stay in the car, Emma, while I handle this!"

"Ruby! Send. Him. Out." She had to do this now while she had the audacity to do it.

Emma didn't like the person this situation had turned her into. She didn't recognize the woman who showed and felt fear in her heart. She had never been one to shy away from a confrontation- to shy away from giving her point of view on any situation. But it felt like everything that had to deal with Neal made her feel… not strong. Weak? No, that was not the right word. But… not strong. And she wanted that person back. She needed to be herself again. That meant facing this.

Ruby was hesitant in her answer. Emma knew that she didn't want them to talk. Especially in a scenario that was being forced upon her.

"Emma…" Ruby moaned. "You don't have to cater to him. Someone can call the police and get him out of here if he won't leave."

Her eyes fluttered closed at those words. It was being taken way out of context. That's not what she wanted. It wasn't what Neal needed. And it wasn't going to happen like that.

"Send him out before this turns into something that it should not."

There was a moment of intense silence. Where Emma felt the weight of her heart sinking in her chest and the heaviness of not only Ruby's breathing but her thoughts as well. Before…

"Are you sure?"

Emma knew why Ruby's words were slow and careful. She wanted to know if Emma had really thought this through. She wanted to know if this really was the best answer to the problem that lay in front of them.

And then she heard the murmurs from the other end of the phone. Ruby and- yes, she could make out the timbre of his voice…

Emma grabbed at her bag from behind her, bringing it up to her. She made her hands steady- had commanded the knowledge of what was about to happen. So she wasn't scurrying. She wasn't shaky. And when her eyes looked back out the window so that she could watch for any movement from the door, they were steady with not a shred of doubt.

She was moving swiftly. How long did it actually take for her to gather up all of her things before she felt she had everything all together? She didn't know. Sometimes it felt like seconds- that he would be here in a second. Sometimes she felt as if she had been dragging, actually taking long minutes to do the simplest of tasks.

Emma couldn't hesitate any longer. She glanced once more up towards that door- and she saw…

No- her heart began thumping immediately- she wasn't ready.

Neal.

She hadn't seen him since that morning when he told her to go. The morning she had left without reluctance, but not without regret.

Emma's hand found the door handle as she watched him. She watched as his hands slipped into his front pockets and his shoulders hunched over. And she knew that he saw her car instantly.

She didn't know if it was the firmness of her grip there on the handle or if it was the way she saw him now jogging towards her, but she felt the slipperiness of her palm now. She opened her hand wide, flexing her fingers and not thinking about the why of it all. And then she grabbed at it once more.

He was close. So…

Emma pushed the door open with a shove. She had gathered all her stuff in a pile to be taken with her, but she hesitated. She wasn't sure what to do. She didn't know how she was supposed to handle the situation.

It was with a frustrated sigh as her leg hung outside of the car that she pushed the bag and purse over onto the passenger side. Praying for sensibility in herself, she braved the chill and stepped empty-handed out of the car.

Based on the beating of her heart, seeing him walking towards her should have made her a nervous wreck. But it didn't.

For some reason, her eyes took in the figure that was running up to her. It had been quite some time. And yet, the man who would soon be next to her reminded her of the man that she had known for more than two years.

Emma watched with a bit of sadness as that jog became quick steps and eventually slow and careful steps.

Neal's eyes were on her as well. Maybe that's what had slowed him down. Maybe he was trying internalize her in the same she was trying to do.

The email came back to her just then. It was what he was going to want to talk about. And she wasn't going to have the answers that he was going to want to hear.

And, as those last steps brought him to her- where he stood no more than a foot away from her- she felt a sadness once again over the whole damned situation.

His face was blank, so what was he thinking as his looked at her?

Emma felt the widening of her eyes as she looked at the expressionless of his entire being. How? When she felt the tingles of nerves stretching over every single part of her?

"What are you doing here, Neal?" Finally. Something. And it was a soft whisper that still had a firmness to it. "This is… my _job. _I can't… I can't just stay out here and talk to you. And I sure as hell can't have you coming inside."

And then finally something from him.

It was because she knew him. She recognized the slight turn of his head and the way his eyelids almost lowered before he caught himself. She notice the slight turn of his lips inward. There was a hurt and a sadness there that he wanted to keep inside, but bits and pieces had slipped through.

"I emailed you, Emma." Neal's voice was gravelly as ever. Thick and quiet. And it had been a while since she'd heard it. His eyebrows raised in question then. "Did you get it? Because you never emailed me back. You didn't contact me in any way about it."

The contrast between this moment and the last moment she had seen him was so stark. But it brought back memories of their entire past.

Never let it be said that she didn't enjoy that time with him. But… it was over. Seeing him now- and knowing that in a perfect world he would be able to forgive not only her but Killian as well- only confirmed that things would never be the same.

Emma's looked past him for just a moment, the look of expectance on his face just a little bit too much for her. But when she did answer, she did so eye to eye.

"Yes, I got the email."

"Then why-"

"I didn't email you back or text you back or call you back because…" She searched for the right words as he stood there in front of her, looking intently at her as if he was searching for something. "I… didn't have the response that you wanted."

This time the sadness wasn't so easily hidden away. Neal's lips formed a single line while his eyes narrowed on her.

This. This right here. It wasn't what she wanted.

"Neal?"

She wanted to reach out to him. It wasn't the easiest thing to do, to let go of those last moments when he had been so unlike himself. When he had been nothing but nasty and hateful towards her. She hadn't held a grudge over it. She had understood. She wouldn't have deserved anything less than that show of anger. But it had left a lasting impression. One that she didn't know how to let go of…

When Neal's hand moved, it was with care and nervousness. There was a twitch in those fingers as they raised just slightly towards her.

If he touched her…

"Neal, I'm not going to be able to stay out here and talk to you," Emma said quickly. Her eyes stayed trained on that hand as it made its way even closer to her. Was he going to reach for her hand and it lay at her side?

"It was that easy for you, Emma?"

His whispered question hit her right in the heart. Because he was here and being vulnerable with her. She knew in that moment that he had not come so that he could be some disturbance to her life. He was here because every word in that email had been true: he hadn't yet moved on. And he didn't want to move on if there was a possibility for them to be them again.

So how…

Emma's tongue flicked over her lip as she watched him. He needed her. Well, he needed to have this conversation out. And he deserved it.

"Wait a minute," she said softly, backing away from him.

When he stayed unmoving, Emma turned around back to the car. She'd left everything inside. And if she did this now, she had to let them know.

Her phone sat on the top of her purse. With only a glance back at Neal, who she saw had moved a few steps closer, she found Ruby's number. She couldn't call her because she knew her friend. She would keep her on the phone and try to convince her of how she didn't owe Neal anything right now when he had showed up the way he had.

Emma texted her instead. There was only about ten minutes before her shift started. So she just needed Ruby to cover for her. To keep everything in check until she could get inside. And that was all she had said to her. Dropping the phone back onto the top of the bag, not waiting to hear a response that could have went any way, she pushed herself back out of the car.

It was the way that Neal was looking at her that made her feel a mixture of uncomfortableness, sadness, and regret. Because she read something that she thought was… hope? Maybe regret as well.

Emma closed the door as quietly as she could. He had moved even closer to her, coming around on her side of the car.

She glanced back towards the building that seemed so far away from where she was. The distance proving to feel like the distance between her and safety and security. And it shouldn't have been that way.

"Just tell me, Emma."

She turned swiftly back towards him. And he was watching her so closely.

She could see the need. But a need for what? The truth? Or for her to be with him again.

"What do you want to know, Neal?" she asked, meeting his eyes and holding his gaze.

He didn't answer immediately. His focus slid from her face to fall on each individual piece of her. Like it was his right.

Those were the things she tried to be comfortable with: giving him this moment, for however long he needed.

"I want… to know… how it happened. Emma." And then he was looking at her again. Sad eyes. Intent eyes. Greedy eyes that said he _needed _as much as he _wanted._

"I loved you, Neal," Emma started, because it was the truth.

Maybe it was the past tense of that love that made his face scrunch up. Maybe it was the fact that she acknowledged it at all.

"I don't regret our two years together," she continued softly.

"But… it must be something that you regret because you cheated on me." It wasn't harsh. It was a statement of what he considered to be fact.

Emma felt the tightness of her own face. There was tension of her mouth, leaving her lips to pucker just so.

She thought about what he said. What was the rebuttal to that statement?

"I met Killian." And it shouldn't have been as simple as that. It really shouldn't have been. So it made a knot begin to form and tie in her belly.

"You met my best friend," Neal muttered. He took a step back then. His head shook at the ground beneath them, and there was an unamused smile that lifted his lips.

Exactly why she'd had reservations about talking to him. He wouldn't be able to understand. They would be in this stalemate over the rightness and wrongness of the whole situation.

"You met my best friend, and that changed our relationship." Neal looked back up at her then. "You do realize that I introduced you to Killian within weeks of our meeting, right? And at that time you hadn't even had the chance to fall in love with _me._ So how can you say that meeting him is what changed things for us?"

Valid questions. Questions that should have been easier to answer.

"I didn't say I fell in love with him," Emma reminded him, striving for things to be put into perspective. "I fell in love with you, Neal. I did."

And there was that softening from him again. As well as that hint of sadness.

"I fell in love with you, too, Emma."

There was this space between them, and it was very much needed. Because she didn't see them as being on the same page. She could see in coming off of him, his feelings for her. And at the same time, he was asking for her to make him understand her feelings for Killian.

"You're telling me that you had a thing for Killian at the same time you were falling in love with me. You're saying that our relationship was nothing but a lie. When I thought that you were in this with me the entire time. That you saw a future for us. That one day we would get married."

"Neal." Emma had to stop him there. She hadn't thought about it in those terms. She had only seen them as being on this road that was stable and constant. Without changes or interference. It just _was._

"Are you _sure _you want to do this?" she asked him quietly. Because if they were going to have this out- right here in the parking lot to her job- she wanted to be able to get it all out and over with.

It was the way his hands dragged over his face so that only his sad eyes were visible.

"Do you understand that it's killing me not having you by my side anymore?" His hands clasped together in front of him, looking as if he was holding on for dear life. "Do you understand that I _don't _understand how I lost my best friend _and _you so suddenly? And I'm _pissed,_ Emma! I'm pissed off that there is not a shred of me that believes I will ever forgive Killian for what he's done, but I want nothing more than to forgive you and be with you."

And she did understand. But…

Emma's eyes fluttered closed and she could do nothing but shake her head.

"Which isn't going to happen,"

She looked at him once again after hearing his words. He knew. He knew that her heart belonged to Killian. And it was over no matter how much he wished it could be different.

"So… tell me so that I can move on, Emma."

Neal. He had always been the good guy. Always. He and Killian had those similar qualities. So what was the difference? Why had she strayed and fell in love with Killian?

Her eyes became cloudy with unshed tears. She wasn't going to cry. She didn't have the right when Neal was asking this from her.

"There was never a moment prior to that month before you found out," Emma started slowly. "There was always an attraction there on my part. Killian never gave me an inkling that it was mutual. Neither one of us said anything to the other one. Or to anyone else, Neal. And I did grow to love you and I did fall in love with you."

It was his sharp intake of breath that made her pause. To give him a moment to digest everything up to that point.

She didn't know if honesty was the best thing for her next thought. If she hurt him unnecessarily…

"I was… settling in our relationship," she whispered, feeling her own heart break just a tiny bit. So what was it doing to him, as his face twisted once again in sheer pain?

"I was content in our relationship. I was fine being with you when I had feelings for someone who I thought had no interest in me. And I'm sorry about that." Because she was. She was sorry she didn't confront the whole damned thing a long time ago. But there was no way to go back now.

"You wanted him the whole time." It wasn't a question, but a statement that fell from Neal's mouth. And she saw the pain spread across every physical piece of him. "You were using me- telling me that you loved me every single day. But it wasn't true. Not really. Because what you really wanted was Killian. So you did it." His eyes locked on hers at that moment. "You told him how you felt. That part was the truth. It wasn't Killian, but you. And…" His head shook once more. "And then he couldn't keep it in either."

The day that she went to Killian's apartment to confront him about ignoring her filled her head. It was him that she always wanted. It would always be him.

Their first kiss was still a bit foggy. Her only regret was that it had come on the heels of so much alcohol consumption. When it should have been a sobering and honest moment between them after all that time of keeping it in.

"I approached Killian," Emma told him again, keeping her eyes trained on his. "And then… there was no going back. It happened really fast."

How was this supposed to go? How was this _not _supposed to hurt _him_ like hell? Why was this the only way to help him get through this?

She wasn't going to go into details with him any further than she had already. She couldn't bring herself to telling him of an affair that had been far more emotional than it had been physical. She couldn't get into the fact that being with Killian had made her feel as if she could finally breathe. She wouldn't tell him that this forever thing that she had accepted with Killian had meant more to her in their brief time together than the more than two years she had been with him.

Emma watched as he began to back away from her again. His hand found his bearded cheek once again, rubbing at it fiercely.

"I'm… sorry… Neal."

"You love him."

When she thought that he was going to turn and leave her, he had made that statement. As if he wanted her to confirm it for him.

Emma knew that Killian had told him that they were in love with one another. With him standing there, small steps continually separating them all the more, made the admission to him face to face so difficult. But if she said it then maybe…

"I'm in love with Killian," she finally answered him, watching for every single significant nuance that changed in him. "My choice is him, Neal. I'm sorry that I hurt you with that. But I love him."

She didn't know what to expect from him. This wasn't a situation that she had ever been in before. Neal had surprised her to his reaction throughout every turn where he was concerned. So she didn't know what would be his next words- his next actions.

The toe of his shoe hit the step behind him, but the heel didn't. He didn't continue to step back. But she still didn't expect the quick turn where his steps fell forward quickly, rushing him back to her face to face.

Neal's hands slipped up on either side of her face, pulling her all the closer at the same time his body fell into hers.

"I didn't want to be over you, Emma."

His lips pressed against hers instantly, holding firm.

Emma felt herself stiffen at the feel of him against her. Two years. She had known this kiss for two years. And yet this…

It wasn't familiar. It wasn't… anything.

Lips to lips, firm and warm. But that was it. She didn't kiss him back She didn't let him kiss her any more than the physical presence of his lips to hers.

There hadn't been any doubt in Emma's head prior to that moment, but what it did do was solidify those feelings she had for Killian.

She wanted no one but Killian.

Emma knew the moment that Neal understood that fact, as his hands dropped away from her face.

Her eyes opened and she watched with a horror that stayed under wraps. She couldn't show it and make the situation worse than what it was.

"But it's over."

Emma nodded at his words, knowing that it wasn't an easy thing for him to admit.

"Goddammit." The muttered cursed was followed by a string of them, stepping farther and farther away from her.

"I'm sorry, Neal."

She could see it in his face: there was more that he wanted to say. She thought that it was only his restraint of not wanting to seem needy when he wasn't coming away with what he initially wanted.

So she didn't know what else to say. Nothing would seem right.

What she appreciated was that it was civil. That had been a worry of hers. What could they really take away from a conversation when they were coming from two completely different sides?

He didn't say anything else, and Emma understood. She didn't say another word as she watched him.

It was a look of regret written there. There was a look of sadness for a loss that he'd had no control over.

There was so much more that Emma could have shared with him, but now was not the time. Not when she was only yards away from her job and already late. Not when she had been ambushed into this scene with no time to prepare.

There was a part of her, while watching the way Neal stepped away from her and heading towards another direction in the lot, that wanted to make it better than it was already. But there was another part of her that felt that she had more than a little helped him on his way to being okay again.

Emma turned around to watch him for a moment longer as he got farther away from her. But she was looking back. Emma couldn't continue to look back at what was now her past.

Her eyes closed for just a moment- a moment in which she took a deep breath and moved on from everything that had just happened.

She turned around before she opened her eyes. And then she headed back to her car door.

Her work day was supposed to begin. For now- for the rest of this day- she had to put Neal and his hurt behind her. Mentally and emotionally, just as she'd done physically.


End file.
